If This, Then
by Bled Dry
Summary: If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing: timing. But timing is a bitch.
1. Prologue

**2007**

It seems when it comes to Edward Cullen, I've always played this ridiculous game of false logic: If this, then.

If he calls, then he's interested.

If he shows up at the Queen Vic, then he likes me.

If he sits next to me, then he's interested in something more.

If he puts his head on my shoulder, then he _like_ -likes me.

If he asks me to dance, then he'll break up with Tanya.

If he breaks up with Tanya, then he'll ask me out.

Now, it's _if he texts me, then._

But what do I want the _then_ to be?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Because if it's what I think I want it to be, then who am I? Because _that_ girl? I don't really like her.


	2. Crush

**Welcome back, loves! Beta Iris here. Our beautiful Bled Dry is out of commission for a while due to an injury. She wanted to post this weekend, though, so here I am.**

 **Bled Dry would like to thank Nic and Sri for their hard work and dedication. She'd also like to thank The Lemonade Stand for featuring _If This... Then_ in yesterday's Sneak Peek feature. She sends her love and appreciation to you guys for all of your support. **

**Because of her injury, Bled Dry won't be able to reply to reviews as quickly as she normally does, but she'll get to them as soon as she can.**

 **See you next weekend for Chapter 2. :)**

* * *

 **Crush**

-Smashing Pumpkins

You wrap your arms around

A feeling that surrounds

Like a liquid peppermint

 **December 24, 1992**

It's Christmas, and I'm hiding out in my room.

Okay, not hiding, but I finally, FINALLY have Gish. I need that in my ears right now. My Aunt Siobhan got it for me. She told me about going into the record store and asking for the Smashing Melons. The guy asked her if she wanted the Smashing Pumpkins or Blind Melon. He finally figured it out when she told him she was looking for Fish. Poor guy. Siobhan's only twelve years older than I am, but suddenly, that seems so old. How does she not know this? She's still working on her PhD. I know about the Pumpkins because of college radio. What is she _doing_ at school?

Oh! And I got a CD player.

And not just any CD player, but a six-change CD player.

It's been a good year. Charlie and Renee don't talk about it much, but I can tell. No one's called lately making threats. No mad rushes with Renee to drop off checks before the utilities get cut off.

Oh, yeah. And the presents under the tree went right out into the hall. Some of them I knew about, because Renee took me with her to try on all the clothes. She's watching my weight. I saw the looks when I put the size nines on the rack for the sevens. Then the fives. She hasn't said anything. When I get to a one, that's when she's worried, so I know when to stop shopping with her.

My phone's been ringing all day. Getting my own line was my first clue things were better money-wise. It was also when they started teasing me at lunch for being a rich girl.

I'm not. I'm so not, and they know it. Some of them. If they've been around long enough, they've watched the roller coaster. But we've merged groups somewhere along the way, the boys that wear kilts and the smart kids. I'm not sure when or how, but that's how it is now.

And it's those boys who make fun of me, which is bullshit. It's extra bullshit, because they date the West End girls, who live in almost-mansions and drive their _own_ cars. Sure, I drive to school every day, but that's only because the 'rents are working together now and I get Renee's old car. And I can't tell if they're really making fun of me, 'cause they sure do seem to like their girls.

I don't know boys.

They used to make my skin crawl. But something's happening lately. I wouldn't say I'm over it. It's been two years, though, and things are better.

Edward Cullen touched my knee the other day. This thing's been going on lately with our group at lunch; we bunch our fingertips together so they're touching and put them on someone's knee. Then we slowly spread them out and see who gets the willies.

It didn't work on me until Edward did it.

I didn't get the willies. I don't know what that was, but I want more of that feeling. It was nice to have a guy touch me and not want to throw up.

But he has a girlfriend. She's a West. He's Jake's best friend, and they're dating best friends. It's kind of weird, though. None of us has ever met them. Like ever. They go on double dates, but they never bring them to just hang out with us. I'm guessing it's 'cause we're not the kind of friends you bring your girlfriends around.

My phone rings again, and I contemplate not answering it. I really just want to get lost with Billy Corgan for a while, and I don't want to talk about what I got anymore. Last year, I got a sweater. I don't know how to talk about this year, yet. Don't get me wrong. I mean, this is totally cool. But I worry about what's going to happen when they have to pay for all this stuff.

It's still ringing, and I decide to get up and see who it is. I have call display and call answer, so if I don't want to talk to them, they can leave a message.

 _Cullen, C._

Holy shit.

I knock my stereo picking up the phone and the CD skips.

"Hello." I'm a little breathless and so not cool. I'm reaching to turn down the music at the same time as I'm picking up the phone, and I drop the receiver.

I'm so. Not. Cool.

"Hello?" I question now, because he's probably hung up.

"Hey, is Bella there?" He sounds like Edward but different. A little more formal. Nervous? Probably because he thought someone was hanging up on him.

"This is Bella." I wince. _Seriously?_

"Hey."

"Hey," I echo.

"Hey."

This is fun. "Sorry about that. I was trying to turn down my CD player, and I dropped the phone..." I trail off because I wonder if he meant to call me.

"What were you listening to?"

"Gish." I'm trying so hard to be casual. Oh, God. Am I trying too hard? "My Aunt's visiting from college, and she got it for me."

"Cool."

There's a pause, and I'm not sure what to say. I can't think over the sound of my heart pounding. What's happening to me?

"I love that album. What song were you on?" He's talking again. Good. I can answer this.

"Ummm..." I reach to grab the CD cover, and my hands are shaking. Shaking! "Crush?" I say it like it's a question. I'm so glad he called me and we aren't having this conversation face to face, because I feel the red take over my face as I say it.

"That's my favorite. Hold on?"

"Okay."

There's a noise on the other end. "I'm going to put the phone down for a second. I'm not hanging up. Wait there, okay?"

"Okay."

I hear the same noise as before and then a few minutes of what I assume is him moving around his room before he picks up again.

"Hey."

"Hey," I reply. _Oh, God. Not this again_ , I think.

"Okay. Go back to the beginning of the track and pause it, okay?"

"Okay." We sure seem to be saying 'okay' a lot. I guess that's twice the syllables of 'hey,' so we're getting somewhere.

"Press play on the count of three. One, two, three."

I do as he says, and I can hear the same song in the background on the other end of the phone.

"We'll listen to it together."

"Okay." I'm not sure what's happened to my vocabulary, but I lay back down with the phone pressed to my ear so I can hear it in almost-stereo.

We don't speak as we listen to the last half of the album together. When it's done, he tells me he has to go and hangs up as I'm saying goodbye.

This is the best day of my life.


	3. Venus as a Boy

**Welcome back, muchachas! It is I, Beta Iris. Our beloved Bled Dry's still out of commission. Her injury's actually gotten worse, so if you would please keep her in your thoughts and send along some healthy vibes, that'd be fantabulous. :)**

 **Bled Dry would like to thank Mina Rivera for the beautiful banner she created for _If This... Then_. She also thanks Nic and Sri for their usual awesomeness. She sends a massive thank you and loads of hugs for the continued support and reviews. **

**Because of her injury, Chapter 3 won't post for at least two weeks.**

* * *

 **Venus As a Boy**

His wicked sense of humour

suggest exciting sex

his fingers focus on her

touches, he's Venus as a boy

 **December 31st, 1992**

Alice's parents are away for New Year's Eve, so she's having a bunch of us over. Usually we hang out in Jessica's basement, but even though it's the exact same people and we're going to do the exact same thing, we're calling this one a party. There are whispers of booze, and Alice is nervous because her house _cannot_ be trashed. Her mom would kill her. Like, probably, literally kill her. There's something off about Alice's mom, but we don't talk about it. It's just this mutually understood silent oath we've made to each other. If we don't talk about it, it's not happening. We hide out in my room when things are bad there and in her basement when things are bad here.

I'm trying to find out who's coming and who's bringing booze. A few years ago, it would've been me. Not anymore. Tyler always brings cherry brandy and Dr. Pepper, but he's harmless. Besides, Alice is secretly mad for him, so that'll be fine. So far, it looks like it's just his crew drinking.

I'm also trying to suss out if Edward Cullen's coming. He hasn't called again. I'm assuming he'll be out with his girlfriend. That's what this holiday's about, isn't it? It's part of the Holy Trinity of romantic holidays: Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day. Not many in our crowd have paired up long enough to hit all three. I'm pretty sure everyone coming to Alice's party is single.

Alice and I have cleaned the house, and hidden her dad's homemade wine in the shed. She snuck a bottle, which we've opened to share with our frozen pizza. We'd planned on making something fancy, like something from a recipe book, but we didn't think about shopping ahead of time, so we're pretty limited in our selection. I don't want to drink wine, but I don't want to let Alice down. We've set the table and everything. I sip slowly and ask her about Tyler. I used to crush on him a few years ago, but Lauren started dating him instead. I got over him pretty fast after that. If you made a person out of my opposites, that would be Lauren. Not to sound too Holden Caulfield, but she's a total phony.

We're still eating when Angela arrives. She's newish to our group. She came in with Lauren, but she's nice. She must have the patience of a saint. She's also madly in love with Ben, who happens to be very close with Edward. I suspect that has something to do with Lauren's sudden interest in her and in our group.

I don't trust Lauren.

It's not long before Alice's kitchen has filled with most of our friends and I've drifted off with the rest of the overflow to the basement. Garrett got a guitar for Christmas, and he's entertaining us with the U2 song he's working on. He's the fourth member of Jake's entourage.

I'm sitting on the floor watching Garrett figure out "Running to Stand Still," and we all laugh with him as he fucks it up, which is often. He's asked me to sing along, but we can't get past the first few lines before he wants to start again. He looks up from where he's placed his fingers, to just beyond my shoulder, and his face lights up.

"Well look what the cat dragged in!" He says it like he's disgusted, but the bright smile behind his shaggy locks betrays him. He leaps up, and I turn around in my seat to see who he's so excited about. Immediately, I meet Edward's gaze. He smiles at me and manages to get in an awkward wave before Garrett's grabbed his hand and pulled him into a one-arm embrace. I raise my hand in greeting and then turn back around, because I can feel the blush creeping up. I quickly realize that now that Garrett's gone, I'm sitting on a concrete floor looking at Garrett's abandoned guitar on Alice's otherwise empty bed. I'm about to get up when Edward slinks down beside me.

He sits close. It's probably too close, but I'm not going to say anything. I turn my head to find him looking at me. He smiles and then looks to the bed. I have no idea what to say, so I just pull my knees up, rest my chin on them, and look straight ahead.

Minutes pass. I think. I can hear people moving out of the room behind us. I'm afraid if they leave, Edward will be able to hear my heart pounding in my chest, so I'm desperately thinking of something to say to him. He leans into me. It's deliberate, and I find myself leaning into him. I'm shocked at my boldness. I can see out of the corner of my eye that he's not looking my way. He leans a little more. "I don't think it's going to play by itself," he whispers.

I feel the corner of my mouth turn up. "No." I try to match his conspiratorial tone. "I think it might be playing dead so Garrett will put it out of its misery."

He pulls away from me, laughing as he stands. He moves with a grace you wouldn't expect from a lanky teenage boy. He reaches his hand out to me. "Come on. Let's get out of here while we can."

I'm not sure where he's offering to take me, but I take his hand. I'm pretty sure I'd follow him anywhere.

It turns out 'anywhere' is just Alice's kitchen. Edward's stopped to talk to Ben, and I find myself standing beside him, suddenly feeling like an outsider in my second home. I hate that he can knock me out of orbit so easily, but I can't bring myself to walk away. I'm feigning disinterest as he tells Ben that Tanya and Kate wanted to go home early, so he and Jake dropped them off and came here instead.

He's about to say something more when Tyler comes barreling through the room, a bottle of pop in one hand and questionable brandy in the other. "Who wants to pop my cherry?" He looks around but still misses Garrett's approach from behind. It's suddenly out of Tyler's hand, and Garrett's managed not only to open it but to take a swig before Tyler turns around.

It's not a long drink; he's barely got it to his lips before his eyes bulge. I'm afraid he's going to spit it out, and I move to get myself between Garrett and Alice's mom's pristine white walls, but he swallows it. "Dude, that's fucking cough syrup. You're drinking fucking cherry cough syrup!" Everything Garrett does is exaggerated. He's banging his chest and rasping for breath. Tyler grabs the bottle back and takes a longer swig before quickly following it with a Dr. Pepper chaser. He howls at Alice's kitchen light before leaving.

I know I took a step away from Edward, and yet he's standing beside me. Once again, he's a little too close. Garrett approaches us, still pounding his chest and making faces. I feel like I should take a half step away, because there's no reason to be this close. I hear Edward and Garrett, but I have no idea what they're saying. The wine I had earlier must've gone straight to my head, because I'm suddenly feel hot and dizzy; I need to sit down.

I reach out to put my hand against the wall, but Alice takes it instead. She pulls me out of the kitchen and into her bathroom. She's upset.

"Tyler's being an ass."

"A little," I agree.

She sighs and leans against the door.

"He's an ass when he's drinking, but isn't that everyone?" She nods, so I keep talking. "He's not always like this."

"No." She sighs again. "Lauren's here."

Ah, so that's the real concern.

"They aren't going to get back together. That was two years ago."

We're interrupted by banging on the door, so we quickly vacate. I love Alice, but she can get so into her crushes that she ends up squashed. I hope Tyler doesn't do that to her.

My dizzy spell seems to be over, but I stay away from the kitchen. The TV's on in the living room, and mercifully, it's empty. I grab _Encino Man_ from the top of the pile of VHS tapes and stick it in. It's already partway through, but I know it by heart. I'm not alone for long; Ben and Angela come in. Neither one of them looks at me, but they're holding hands. This is new. There's room for them beside me on the couch, but they move to the oversized chair in the corner. Ben sits down first and pulls Angela down onto his lap. They're staring at the TV, ignoring me and, despite their position, each other. I think I'm interrupting whatever they came in here to start.

I'm about to get up to find somewhere else to hide when I hear Edward, Jake, and Garrett enter the room. I look at them just in time to notice Jake elbowing Garrett and pointing in Ben's direction. They say nothing, but they keep walking into the room. I turn my attention back to the TV, because I'm feeling flush again, realizing it's got nothing to do with the half glass of wine and everything to do with an approaching Edward Cullen and the empty seat beside me.

For the second time this evening, he settles down beside me. He's pressed against my side, but this time, it makes sense as Jake and Garrett join him on the couch. He puts both of his arms along the back, and I adjust to make room for him. It doesn't seem to do anything, though, because the right side of my body's burning up as he leans into me.

I have no idea what's happening right now. I glance over at Ben and Angela, but they're still absorbed in the movie. They're absolutely still. I'm not sure if it's us that's making them so obviously uncomfortable or if it's the prospect of being alone together. I steal a quick look to my right, and Edward's wearing a pretty similar expression. I try to focus on the movie, but I can't. I'm hyper aware of the arm behind me that seems to be getting closer, as well as the body that leans against me more as Edward relaxes beside me.

There's a commotion in the hall as Tyler runs by, alerting everyone to the approaching change in year. Angela and Ben get up and leave the room, holding hands. I'm sure they're looking for a quiet place to ring in the New Year, and I want to give her a thumbs up, but she doesn't take her eyes off of Ben as he leads her away. Jake and Garrett get up to join everybody else in the front yard. Alice and I bought sparklers to ring in the New Year. I usually love taking to the streets, banging out the old and ringing the new.

But right now, I'm sitting in a quiet house with Edward Cullen pressed against me, and I'm not going anywhere.

"Stand up for a second." He breaks the silence, and I can hear Tyler counting down over the crowd outside and the movie in the room. He's just started at sixty, and people join in so each number called out is slightly louder than the one before. I don't move, but Edward stands up and, once again, extends his hand. I take it and let him pull me up. My heart's ahead of me, though, and I'm afraid it's going to leap right out of my throat if I open my mouth, so I don't. Edward's still holding my hand, and he maneuvers us so we've switched positions. He sits back down on the couch, but this time, he's leaning into the corner. He pulls me down, and I'm now registering that the crowd is shouting numbers in the twenties. Edward says nothing but pulls me against him.

I don't know what's going on.

I think I'm cuddling with Edward.

Holy shit. I'm cuddling with Edward Cullen. He pulls me closer to him as the crowd tries to sing "Auld Lang Syne," but no one really knows the words, so it dies down pretty quickly.

They enter the house, and Jake comes into the room. He's obviously taken back by us on the couch and raises an eyebrow at Edward.

"I've got to get home." He keeps staring as Edward untangles himself - we're tangled! - and doesn't turn away until Edward's past him. "Goodnight, Bella." Jake's words are clipped.

Edward pauses at the door and finally looks at me. He doesn't say anything, but rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders. Jake pushes him through the door.

"Goodnight." I call out to the both of them, and then I lay back into the couch.

Alice comes in with a lit sparkler for me, and we wave them around. She's dancing and twirling in the open space while I roll onto my back.

I watch the light streak in front of me until it reaches my fingers, and the light suddenly flashes out, all of its energy expired. But I feel it move into me, through the tips of my fingers and into the rest of my body. Something's lit inside of me. It's sparking and snapping, lighting me up, and I'm not as worried about it burning me as I should be.


	4. It's Oh So Quiet

**Hello! Sorry about the wait. I'm much better and should be posting somewhat regularly now. You guys were so awesome while I was recovering. Thanks for all your kind words.**

 **Thanks to the girls at The Lemonade Stand for getting this ball rolling with the Sneak Peak and for reminding everyone about it in my absence with the shout out from the Nursery.**

 **Sri and Nic read this first and I heart them.**

 **Iris isn't only my fantastic beta, but she's the one who made sure this got to you when I was a drooly, not typing mess. She's the bestsest.**

 **I've added song quotes to each chapter. Music will become more and more important in this, as it does when you're 17. If you don't like them, don't worry about them.**

* * *

 **It's Oh So Quiet**

-Bjork

it's. oh. so quiet  
it's. oh. so still  
you're all alone  
and so peaceful until...

you ring the bell  
bim bam  
you shout and you yell  
hi ho ho  
you broke the spell  
gee. this is swell you almost have a fit  
this guy is "gorge" and i got hit  
there's no mistake this is it

 **January 1, 1993**

Alice and I have the place clean by dawn. The last few stragglers stuck around long enough to help us. Angela and Ben carried the trash bag to the dumpster behind the variety store while Garrett restocked the wine closet and joked about what was taking Ben and Angela so long. That's the thing about this crowd ‒ we're good kids. There's no need to trash someone's place. We'd rather look out for each other, the little waifs and strays that find strength in numbers. Over the past few years, we've found our way together. Mostly we come in pairs. Sometimes, it's triads. The Jake foursome's a bit of an anomaly. He's popular with everyone, but until this year, he's never spent much time with people outside of his posse. Okay, that's not quite true. He's always dating from the cheerleader crowd; the super cute bubbly girls. They totally match the puppy dog thing he has going on. He's warm and friendly to everyone.

So it's a bit of a shock when he isn't.

And sometimes, with me, he isn't.

We sat beside each other for an entire semester of French, and I'm not sure we said two words to each other. He was dating Leah then. She sat in front of me, and they spent the entire class passing notes back and forth. Most girls liked Jake. I never really got it, but he knew how to work the attention. The guy's a serial dater, but he never stays more than six months with a girl. Somehow, they always stay friends. He's a zero drama dude, considering.

He's constantly flirting with everyone ‒ everyone but me. I like to think he responded appropriately to my don't-give-a-fuck-about-you vibe. Because I didn't give a fuck about anybody that year. Or any year, really.

I didn't until Edward started showing up.

I don't know where he came from.

Or maybe... That's not quite it.

Maybe it's that I don't know where _I_ came from.

Scratch that. I know where we came from. I was always here. I flitted from crowd to crowd. This interest, that interest. This casual acquaintance. That one. I think Edward and I shared a class from time to time.

But I'm not sure when he showed up on my radar. That's my confusion. It was before the knee touching. Because there was a reason we always sat together. Right? It wasn't just that those guys were always around, but suddenly, Edward was always around _me_. When he was at lunch, we sat next to each other at lunch. I always knew if something ridiculous was going on, I could look up to find Edward waiting for my reaction. Lately, though, he's just always around.

So where did he come from?

When did I notice him?

I can't pinpoint it. It's as if we were always a part of two distinct galaxies on a collision course with each other. Jake at the center of his… That doesn't quite work... Maybe I wasn't a part of a galaxy. I'm just space junk, aimlessly drifting and destined to be demolished once I entered their orbit.

It's lame that I feel that, like I can see this ending in shambles just because I can't control it. I can't measure it out. Quantify it. This isn't tracking calories and exercise. It's entirely different from not knowing if the utilities will be cut off. Or being pushed down onto a bed and told what's about to happen. It's so different from that.

It's so different.

But I'm panicking. I touched him. I let him touch me. And nothing happened.

Nothing happened, I remind myself. We sat comfortably on the couch. Sure we were touching each other, but we weren't _touching_ each other. We sat together. For five minutes. Max. He has a girlfriend. _He has a girlfriend!_

 _What am I doing? He has a girlfriend._

It takes five minutes to drive home from Alice's, and I spend the drive reminding myself this. _He has a girlfriend._

I'm fairly certain I recognize the pickup truck across from me at the four-way stop. It's moving forward as I pull up. The truck comes straight through, and it passes me just as I'm turning right. I watch in my rearview mirror, because I have a feeling something's about to happen. Sure enough, the truck stops and reverses enough to turn and follow me.

I pull into the drive, and I can't suppress my smile when Edward pulls up beside me. He gets out and leans against his closed door. I walk around and lean on my passenger door. Our feet nearly meet in the space between us.

I'm embarrassed of my house. Usually, someone makes an 'Oh, _you_ live in the mansion' comment. It's not a mansion. But it has three stories - because they finished the attic and called it a loft, a double car garage, and two living rooms. It's twice the size of most homes here, and I know it's a lot more than the low-income housing down the street and is the biggest home in the neighborhood. I know this, because Charlie wouldn't shut up about it when he had it built. Some developer friend bought what used to be the empty field in the forty-year-old subdivision and put a cul-de-sac on it. He purposely had the builder extend it two feet in every direction just to make sure it was bigger than the original design.

But Edward says nothing about my house. Of course he doesn't. One, it's behind Garrett's, so he's seen it for years. Two, Tanya and Kate are Wests. This is nothing. Part of me is comforted by this. The other part wants to look her up in the phonebook and drive by her house. I think I've just made plans for me and Alice tomorrow night

"You just getting home now?" He shifts a bit to gently kick my foot as he speaks. "Party animal."

"You know me..."

"Yeah. Wild times. Sitting by yourself, wheezing the juice." He's quoting _Encino Man_ at me. To make sure I get it, he does some more Pauly Shore hand gestures and noises, and I'm mesmerized because I've just noticed that he looks like Brendan Fraser. How did I not notice this?

"Okay, maybe I'm not great at impressions."

Oh, my God. I'm so stunned by my recent discovery that I've zoned out on what he was doing.

"No, it was great. Spot on. And I watch it at least once a week, so I'm pretty much an expert." I jam my hands in their pockets, because they're quivering as I put everything together. He's funny and gorgeous and flirty, and I want to date him. I actively want to pursue him. I want to lure him away from his West, and I have no idea how. I figure I've gotten this far by being me, so maybe I'll just stick it out and keep being me. Or this current version of me I present to the world. Not the real, messy me.

"Pauly Shore expert?" He has no idea how much my world's just shifted. We're just carrying on like it's nothing. Like I'm a totally normal seventeen-year-old girl who wants to date a seventeen-year-old boy. This is the closest I've felt to being a normal girl in two years, and I'm so happy I could... I could...

I could flirt!

"More of an _Encino Man_ expert with a specialty in Brendan Fraser." I shrug like this is no big deal, like I just hang out and flirt in front of my house all the time.

"Brendan Fraser expert? Where's that leave regular guys?"

"Well, I guess I can settle for look-a-likes." I wonder if he knows? Am I being too bold?

"Nah. You shouldn't settle. We should go to California, get the real thing." He's smiling, but I get the feeling he doesn't have any idea I meant him. "Road trip. Let's go. Right now." He moves to open his door, and he's extra serious, so I know for sure he's joking. "Wait. Do you need time to pack?"

"Pack? No way. There's no time to waste. Let's go." I'm surprising myself with how easy this is. I'm still leaning against my car, but he's opened the door and stands aside.

"Let's go then." He gestures into the truck's cab. "Hop in and slide across the seat."

I know we're joking around, and as I step forward, I wonder which of us is going to call chicken first. He puts his hand on my lower back as I go to climb in.

Damn it. It's going to be me.

"Oh, you know what? I've got to work tomorrow." I smack my forehead, step down, and then back up to lean against my car again.

"You do?"

"I do." I sigh just to emphasize how devastating this is. As if this is the reason we can't drive across the country together.

"Next week?" He hasn't moved, so he's only about a foot away from me now. I don't know how I'm still breathing. I'm surprised when my voice comes out even.

"Yeah. Next week for sure."

"For sure. Oh, you know what?" Now he smacks his forehead, mimicking me. "We've got school."

"That's right." I snap my fingers and draw out _right_ , as though I've only just realized.

"Summer?"

"Summer. Absolutely."

We're both grinning at each other like a couple of idiots.


	5. Change

**Hello again!**

 **Thanks again for all your lovely reviews and well wishes. I'm much better now, and should be returning to regular updates. I usually post on weekends, but I do occasionally deviate from the plan.**

 **This chapter is brought to you by my wonderful team. Nic and Sri pre-read this and the always amazing Iris betas.**

 **A note for you non-Ontario residents out there. I've decided to set this story in Ontario, Canada. There's a city between Detroit and Toronto called London and I've set it there. I like the play on being stuck between 2 places you'd rather be as a metaphor for the shitty teen years. It's also a city that tried to make itself in the image of a much more established London, and again, creating yourself from the things you value and think are cool are part of the experience of being a teen. There's a fork in the river that the city is built around so these kids go to the (fictional) Forks High School. I'm only telling you this now because our education system has some differences to the American one, and they are referred to in this chapter. Regular high school has 2 streams: Academic and applied. Students in the applied stream graduate in 4 years and usually went on to a college. College diplomas are usually 1 or 2 years in length and more job skill focused. Students in the academic stream spent a 5th year earning Ontario Academic Credits and then qualified for university. Universities offer degrees that are generally more professionally based.** **The 5th year was phased out in the early 2000s.**

 **The Bella in this story still has a September birthday so she is 17, in grade 12, in the academic stream.**

* * *

Change, Blind Melon

 _And oh as I fade away,_

 _They'll all look at me and they'll say,_

 _Hey look at him and where he is these days._

 _When life is hard, you have to change._

 **January 10**

Edward's called every day since Alice's party. Okay, I know it's just been a few days, but still. I'm not sure what we really talk about. We just… talk. It's way easier to talk to him over the phone. Usually he calls pretty late. Maybe it's because we're tired, like midnight phone calls have some sort of magic that make us feel more at ease. We've talked a little at school, but it wasn't as comfortable. Maybe it's just because I'm suddenly aware that everyone is around and I don't want anyone to figure me out.

I haven't called him yet, though. I don't know. It just seems like a big deal if I call him. It's because I know he's just calling because whatever. He just calls. We're friends. It's no big deal. But it means something if I call him. Because I'm not really interested in being friends. I mean, sure, that's great and everything now. But I'm angling for something more. I just don't know how to.

I'm pretty surprised when the phone rings at dinnertime. I'm alone most nights for dinner, so it's an easy meal to skip. Alice and I are going to the Queen Vic for milkshakes later, which is more than enough for a day. I'm guessing it's Alice telling me to pick her up early, and I'm worried something's happened at her place. If there's anyone who needs to get out of here more than me it's Alice. She's graduating this year and is heading to Toronto for college. She's got it all mapped out − a degree in fashion design and then she'll head to university for fine arts. I've got another year, and then I'm headed straight to University. I'm going to be a doctor − and not because I'm particularly excited about medicine, but because that's what smart kids do. Medicine or law, right? So I keep myself busy: sports, student council, volunteer work, work-work. I don't really have time for a boyfriend. I'm reminding myself of all this, because I see on the call display that it isn't Alice calling.

It's Edward.

And I have this sudden urge to ask him to come with us. It wouldn't be a big deal. We hang out all the time.

"Hey." This is how I answer the phone now, when I know it's him.

"Hey..." The voice on the other end is confused, because it's not Edward. "Bella?"

"Hey... Jake?"

"Yeah. I'm just chillin' at Edward's, and I decided to give you a call."

"Oh." This is weird. I don't know what to say to Jake. We barely talk. "Is Edward there?"

"I see that's how it is." Jake laughs. "He's playing Mortal Kombat with Ben. Wait... No... He's losing to Ben."

There's a bit of a commotion, so I can't hear things clearly for a minute, just a muted background ruckus.

"Hey." It's Edward now. "Sorry 'bout that." I'm not sure what he's apologizing for, so I decide to ignore it.

"You guys just playing video games all night?"

"Probably. I just want one more week of nothing before exams start."

"We've got a paper due in English, too. Did you forget about that?"

"No. I... uh... Actually, I finished that over Christmas break."

Well, that's interesting. Edward barely participates in class. I kinda had him pegged as a slacker like Jake, not an academic like Ben. Or me. I like it. He's smart, too. He just gets better and better.

"Well, Alice and I are going to the Queen Vic to grab a milkshake tonight, if you wanna come. I mean, you guys. Like, if you guys wanted to take a break." Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot. That was the least casual, most awkward invite in, like, the history of all time.

"Uh..." Edward seems to be responding to my awkwardness with his own. Oh, God. I've just made this so uncomfortable. He's never going to call me again. "I think we'll probably just stay here. When are you going?"

"I don't know. Like eight? Alice is going to call me when she's ready."

"Okay. I'll let you go then. See ya."

He's gone before I can say goodbye.

* * *

The waitress has just set our shakes down in front of us − chocolate mint for me, because I'm dying for it and breaking a three-day fast − when Jake bangs on the window beside us. I jump but then try to contain my smile, because while Jake's jumping around and making a fool of himself for our benefit, Edward and Ben are walking in the door.

I think I've got a hold of my casual I-can-handle-this-unexpected-guest-at-our-booth face by the time Edward slips in beside me. Jake darts in beside Alice, and then leans over the table and punches Edward in the arm. Ben's still standing, watching what's going on, before sliding in beside Edward, which forces him closer to me. Jake leans over the table once more and punches Ben's arm before settling in. He's saying something, but I'm not listening because Edward's moved closer to me still.

"I decided we needed a break."

* * *

"So, I'm guessing those guys showing up wasn't a coincidence?" Alice asks as we put on our seatbelts. The guys she's referring to are still visible as they walk to Edward's truck. It hasn't slipped my notice that he's parked just two cars up the road from me, and I wonder if that was on purpose or just parking space luck.

"They called earlier, and I told them where we were going. I didn't think you'd mind. Do you think I should've called Ang, too?" Angela and Ben are in the very early days of their relationship, which means they made out at Alice's party and then went to a movie together. "I hope she's not mad. Wait. You're not mad, are you?"

"No." Alice sighs, so I'm not quite convinced. "I just wish they'd brought Tyler."

"Well, I'm really glad Edward came." I look to Alice before I check my other shoulder and pull out onto the street.

"Oh, yay!" She claps, her momentary glum forgotten. "Now that you've said it out loud, we get to talk about the massive crushing that seems to be going on between you and Edward."

"It's a one-way crushing. Let's not forget Tanya."

"Why not? He seems to."

We both laugh. It's funny, because it's true.

* * *

I make Alice come with me to drive by Tanya's house. It's not the dream home I thought it would be. It's just a normal, nondescript house on an average street. It's only after I point it out that Alice reminds me they met at work, so she's probably not the evil princess I've imagined.

When I finally get home, the light on the top of my phone is blinking, telling me I have new messages.

I dial in to find I have two new messages. The first one is from 7:48, a couple minutes after I left to pick up Alice.

" _Hey, it's me. I decided we needed a break. I guess you already left to pick up Alice. Guess I'll have to ask to borrow the truck and see if you're already downtown."_

And even though it's been less than an hour since I sat pressed against him in the booth of an old-fashioned diner, my heart's racing, just like when his hand grazed my knee and I had to pretend the resulting shiver was just because I took the first sip of my shake. I want to spend time analyzing the message, but I'm curious about the second one. Maybe they're a pair and I can't make sense of this one without knowledge of whatever comes on the follow-up. I know it's from Edward, because I've already checked my phone log and I only had one new caller.

" _Hey, it's me again. I just got home. I, uh… I was just wondering..."_ Oh, my God. He's nervous. He's asking me something. Oh, my God! " _I, uh... I lost my Christmas present from Tanya. It's a gold ID bracelet. I'm wondering if I lost it the other night in your driveway. It says 'Love Tanya' on it. If you find it, let me know. 'Night."_

I delete the messages. I'm such a fucking idiot. Why did I think he'd like me? I turn my CD player on quietly − not too loud to wake anyone if they're already asleep, but loud enough to drown out the sound of what I'm about to do in the bathroom. The milkshake's sitting like a 200 pound weight in my stomach, and it needs to come out now.


	6. Icicle

**Thanks for coming back for another chapter.**

 **Thanks to Sri and Nic, (my ride or die bitch) for pre-reading. And of course, thanks to my beta, Iris. Officially the best in the fandom. I love you girls.**

* * *

" _Icicle_ "

-Tori Amos

And when my hand touches myself

I can finally rest my head

And when they say take of his body

I think I'll take from mine instead

Getting off

Getting off

While they're all downstairs.

 **January 15**

Nothing more's been said about the bracelet.

But that's because nothing more's been said.

It's only been a couple of days, and I'm wondering if I should call him. My previous worries about Tanya and what people will say don't seem to matter as much as I miss our late night laughs over nothing. We still talk. Obviously. It's just at school. We sit near each other at lunch. We walk to English together, our last class of the day. We don't sit together in that class. There's no time for talking there, because our teacher's doing all the talking for us.

He stops by my desk on the way out. There's a feel to this.

He's waiting for me.

I'm waiting for James to finish copying my notes from yesterday. There's no way James is going to pass this class, but he wants to play football, and the fucker will probably have his pick of universities to choose from. Sitting beside James is the penance I pay to be in a class with Edward and no other friendly distractions. I love our friends, but it's kind of nice to have something that only the two of us share. We've only got a week left, and I feel like I wasted the entire semester of Edward alone time.

James shoves my notes across the desk with a grunt, and I don't bother to put them away properly; I just tuck them in the front of my binder.

Edward's still there.

I should ask what classes he has next term. Why haven't I asked him about his schedule, yet?

We walk out the door together. I'm surprised to see Jake leaning on the lockers across from the classroom. We've a week left of class, and he's never done this before. I look to my right, and Edward looks as surprised as I am. He apparently wasn't expecting this, either. If Jake's noticed our confusion, he isn't letting on.

"Hey, Bells!" Um… Bells? "It's a freaking blizzard out there. Think you can drive us home?"

"Suuurrre…" I sound definitely not sure.

"Cool." He claps his hand onto Edward's back and pushes him toward their lockers, which are in the opposite direction of mine. "We'll be at my locker. See you in a few."

I say nothing, because I'm a little awestruck. Jake has this way of taking charge of things that take me by surprise. He's not much taller than I am; if I had to guess, I'd say 5'8. I think he's rocking some sort of Napoleon complex. By contrast, Edward's well over six feet tall and seems laid back as anything. Jake's loud and extroverted, and I'm learning that Edward's on the shy side. I suspect he's a bit like me that way, and it's probably why we have an easier time on the phone.

Alice is already at our locker. We're assigned our own in September, but there seems to be no point in us maintaining two, so we share. She's already packed up and has her coat on. She raises a single eyebrow, a genetic trick I envy. "You have a look on your face."

When you spend all of your free time with someone, they get pretty good at sussing out your moods. You also get pretty familiar with their unique turns of phrase.

"Have you looked out the window?" I'm still going to try to deflect her. I know it's pointless.

"Obviously." She gestures to the end of the hall, where we usually can look over the football fields, but today it's just a giant white rectangle. "But that's not your blizzard face. This," she rolls her eyes and sighs, "is your blizzard face. I'm seeing... nervous apprehension. Possibly masking some excitement. What did Edward do?"

Now I roll my eyes and give her a little hip check to the left so I can get to our combination lock. I'm ignoring her as I shove all my shit into my backpack. I'm not working this weekend, so I can study for finals. I've not been getting as much done as usual, because I'm spending peak study hours on the phone with a certain someone. Maybe it's a good thing he stopped calling.

When I finally emerge from my locker, she's staring at me again, a single eyebrow still raised.

"Your face will freeze like that." She doesn't even flinch as I extend my finger and try to force it down. As soon as I'm not touching her, it springs back up. Seriously. I so wish I could do this. "He did nothing. But we're giving him and Jake a ride home. Jake's request." I glance at her as I casually walk away. She's immediately by my side.

"Um… Just so you know, I will _not_ be double dating with you guys if Jake's my date." Alice hates Jake. She went to elementary school with those guys, and she loves all of them but Jake.

"Relax. It's a ride home. I promise I won't make you date Jake, because then I'd be all alone." I pout a little. "Who's going to date me?"

"I'm not even dignifying your baseless self-depreciation. Shotgun." She hooks her arm into mine, and we pull each other to the other side of the school, where Edward and Jake are waiting for us.

They're leaning against lockers across the hall from each other. Garrett's joined them, and it appears I now have a full car. Jake makes a move to approach us, but Alice holds her hand in front of her to stop him. "I already called it. Don't even bother. And for future reference, I'm always her right-hand man − in the car _and_ in life. You got that?"

I almost stop in my tracks, because Alice isn't aggressive. That was downright hostile. And uncalled for. Man, she really hates Jake.

Not much is said as we walk to the car. Jake, Garrett, and Edward are behind us. I'm wondering if they regret asking.

The parking lot has cleared out pretty quickly. I'm thankful for this as I put my little car in gear and pull forward through the empty space in front of me, Jake, who's taken the seat in the middle, pops his head between me and Alice. "Whoa! You drive a stick? That's sexy." He relaxes back, and I say nothing. I assume he's being sarcastic, but he doesn't sound sarcastic. I'm confused. I glance out my rearview mirror. Jake winks at me, and I look away.

I think Jake may have just flirted with me. That's new. I look in the mirror again. He's smiling at me. I shift my eyes to Edward, who's sitting behind Alice. He's staring out the window. His eyes aren't on me at all.

The ride home is pretty uneventful. Jake and Garrett joke around. Alice and Edward say nothing. I'm mostly focused on staying on the road. Even with the crap weather, it only takes a few minutes until we're in their neighborhood. The four of them live within blocks of each other. Unfortunately, Edward's street is the first we come to. Jake speaks up as I'm slowing down. "We're all going to my place−"

"Actually, I've got a game tonight." _A game?_ "Just drop me at home."

"Seriously, man! You still playing hockey is getting old. House league sports are for kids. When's Tanya going to make you a man?" Jake laughs like he's told the best joke ever, and Edward's out the door before I've even put the car in neutral.

I want to tell him house league hockey's sexy.

But I'm a little too stuck on Jake's comment about Tanya making him a man.

* * *

I study most of the weekend. On Saturday morning, Renee and I go grocery shopping. We're both trying to stay out of Charlie's way. His mood's on the downturn. The good times never last around here, but Renee and I are world class champs at the illusion.

When I come home, my phone's flashing in the corner, letting me know there's a message for me.

 _Hey, it's me. Studying. Needed a break._

Before I lose my nerve, I pick up my phone and dial the number. Despite never calling him before, I have it memorized. It's appeared in my caller log enough lately.

"Hello?" It's his mom, I assume. I didn't think about him not answering the phone.

"Oh. Hello. Is Edward there?"

"I'm sorry. He's gone out. May I ask who's calling?" She has a slight British accent, which makes her sound lovely, but I suddenly realize I'm not Tanya.

"It's Bella."

"I'll let him know you called Bella. Does he have your number?"

"Uh… Yes." Oh, God. Should I have said no? Is he going to have to answer to his mom now about why a girl who's not his girlfriend is calling the house?

"Okay, Bella. I'll tell him you called."

I thank her and hang up.

I try to study, but my mind wanders. Renee and I had lunch together. I love when she's around and I can't say no, but it's weighing on my mind now. I decide to kill two birds with one stone and pack my gym bag with my bio notes. I can do what I'm doing now on the stairclimber. I'll be way more focused if I can move my body.

* * *

I should be focused on my notes as I do my time on the stairs, but I can't. I'm thinking of Edward and Tanya and sex. Until Jake brought it up yesterday, it never crossed my mind, but now I can't stop imagining it. They've been together for eight months. It probably should've happened, right? I never thought of them like that before. But what Jake implied is that they haven't. And I guess that makes sense, too, because they're hardly ever together. And most nights, he's on the phone with me, not her.

They aren't having sex.

He's probably never had sex.

And I realize something else. I want to. With him. I want to get it over with. I mean, I want to get past the past. I want a do-over.

And I realize this means I may have to tell someone. I'll have to tell him, because he should know he's my first and not my first.

Stop.

This is stupid. I'm getting way ahead of myself. I hit the stop button on the machine and grab my notes.

* * *

I get home to an empty house and have a quick shower. I have a fleeting thought of sex with Edward while I'm in there, but I'm not ready to do anything about it. I realize how ahead of myself I was getting. If I still can't touch myself, I don't know why I think I can touch him.

Back in my room, my phone's flashing, and once I check my caller ID, I'm back to thinking about him.

 _Hey. My mom said you called. Sorry I missed you again. I'm out till later tonight. I'll call you when I get home. Bye._

I can't focus. I feel like I'm so behind on my studying, but the words just mix together on the page. It doesn't matter what subject I try, because it's all nonsense. I hate how out of control I feel. I head back downstairs. I'll watch _Encino Man_ once and then get back to it.

* * *

I've managed to put a few good hours in when I hear Charlie and Renee come in. He's singing something unintelligible as he comes up the stairs. He goes by my door, but Renee stops and knocks.

"Bella? Honey?"

"Come in, mom."

"Hi, honey. How was your night?" She sways a little on her feet, and her words slur slightly. They've been to dinner.

"Good, mom. I'm just studying." I want her to go. I hate her like this.

"Okay, honey. Did you get dinner?"

"Yes," I lie.

"Okay, honey." Jesus Christ. Enough with the fucking honey! "Have a good night."

She closes the door behind her as my phone rings.

"Hey." I answer like this, because I know it's him.

"Hey. How was your day?"

"Meh. I spent the day studying. So as good as that can be, I guess. You?"

"Pretty much that. Then I had hockey tonight."

I remember yesterday and Jake's teasing. "Twice in a row?" I didn't even know he played hockey until last night.

"What? Oh, yeah. I got the day wrong." There's something to his tone that lets me know we aren't talking about this anymore.

I think about what I wanted to tell him yesterday, that playing hockey's sexy, but I don't.

"So you spent the day studying, eh?"

"Pretty much."

The conversation flows the way it does when we're on the phone together. He doesn't say where he was when I called in the afternoon, and I don't ask. I don't want Tanya's name to come up. It never has in these calls, outside of that message, and I'd like to keep it that way.

We've been on the phone for an hour when he reminds me I should be studying. I agree, but then he starts to talk about his game tonight. He's pumped, because he got a hat trick.

"Oh, yeah. I was going to let you go."

"You were," I agree. But I don't want to go. It's late and I'm tired, but I've missed these conversations.

"I won't ever let you go now that I have you." His words are almost whispered, and I don't know how to respond. Maybe it's a joke. He starts to talk about his game again, like he didn't say anything at all.

It's all I can think of after we've finally said our goodbyes and hang up.

It's what I think of when I let my hands wander under the blanket and then under my PJs.

It's an echo in my mind when I take a little part of myself back.


	7. Come As You Are

**Dear readers, I fell a little behind on replying to all of your reviews. I've had one of those weeks.**

 **All the thank yous to my wonderful team: Nic, Sri, and Iris.**

* * *

Chapter 6

"Come as you Are" ‒ Nirvana

Come as you are, as you were

As I want you to be

As a friend, as a friend

As an old enemy

… No I don't have a gun

 **January 19**

I've just spent the first half of lunch in a student council meeting, and now Alice is waiting for me outside the cafeteria.

"Before you go in there, I need to tell you about what just happened." Alice stops me from walking in and keeps her hand on my arm. I know it's not going to be good news.

"So Lauren was sitting beside Edward and kept saying, 'Admit it, admit it, admit it. I know you do!'" Alice imitates Lauren's sing-song teasing eerily well. "Edward didn't even look at her. He just stared straight ahead. After a while, she gave up and left."

I don't like where this is going.

"He really looked upset, so I sat beside him and asked what that was all about." She squeezes my arm before letting go. "He said she wanted him to admit that he liked you."

 _Fuck._ My stomach falls out, and my knees shake. How did this get so out there? No one even really knows about our late night phone calls.

Alice is looking at me with sad eyes. She takes a deep breath and continues. "So I asked him if he does ‒ pleasedon'tbemad – and then I realized what I'd said and told him he didn't need to answer. It's not my business."

Alice's eyes tell me there's more. I don't want to ask her if he answered. I know by the look on her face that if he did, it's not the answer I want to hear.

"He said, 'I'm not interested. For now.'"

And strangely enough, I'm not surprised. It's not what I want to hear, sure, but it's what I expect.

"I told him right away that wasn't fair. You can't just 'for now' that shit!"

Alice is getting herself all worked up in my defense, and I need to let her know it's okay.

"Alice, it's fine. I know he's not into me. It's okay. I'm okay with us just being friends." She doesn't say anything else and walks with me to the library. She doesn't even try to get me to go into the cafeteria.

* * *

By the time fifth period rolls around, I've thought about this way too much. I don't want to see him, because I really don't know how to react. I decide to head to class and act like I have no clue. After all, I wasn't even around when it happened. There's no way he'd know I know.

I'm okay with my plan until I see Lauren sitting with Jess on the floor near my locker.

And then I snap.

I stalk toward her, and the stupid fucking grin she's wearing starts to slip away. I think she may realize she's about to be dealt with. I want to smash her face into the sole of my Docs so hard that I don't even trust myself to take another step.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" I'm close enough to her to speak in a reasonable volume, but I yell at her in the quiet hall instead.

"Oh, Bella." Her voice is too sweet. "I was only trying to help. Don't be mad."

"Just stay the fuck out of my business." I want to say more, but I realize she's already won. He doesn't like me, and she got that info. She's a fucking cunt.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I even thought that word!

* * *

I'm only a few minutes late for English, and I even manage to smile at Edward as I make my way to my desk. I throw myself into taking notes as our teacher drones on about _The Great Gatsby_. This guy can make anything suck.

Edward's at my desk again after class, and I'm relieved. We're friends. We're just friends.

"I don't suppose I can catch a ride home…"

There's a little voice in me that says I should say no, either politely or bitchy, but I should shut this down.

"Sure. I'll meet you at your locker."

* * *

He's not alone. Of course he's not. Neither am I. When I told Alice we were giving Edward a ride home, she gave me the eyebrow but didn't say anything.

The drive home's easier tonight than it was on Friday. The roads are clear, and Jake gets out at Edward's place. There are no comments about my driving being sexy or winking from the back seat. Alice doesn't kill either one of them.

But I know her well enough to know she isn't happy.

"Bella…" We're in her driveway, and it's the first thing she's said since I told her we were driving them home. "I think Edward's a good guy, but he's friends with Jake, who's a certified asshole. Be careful."

"Alice." I make sure I turn around, so I can make eye contact and convince her I'm telling the truth. "I have a small crush on Edward. He has a girlfriend. He's not dumping her for me. I'm fine."

I'm not fine. But no one, not even Alice, needs to know that.

* * *

My phone rings, and I almost don't even bother to check the call display. I know by the time who it is.

Or who it _should_ be.

Because instead of Cullen, C appearing on my display I see Black, B.

It's a school night, and it's too late for them to be together.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bells." What's with that name? Who does he think he is to just start calling me Bells like that? "It's not too late, is it?"

"No." I don't say anything else, because what's there to say?

"So you'll never guess who I just got off the phone with."

"Santa?"

He laughs that big fake laugh, like the one in the back of my car when he was teasing Edward about Tanya.

"Good one. Nope. Lauren."

 _Great_.

"Santa would've been better."

"You're telling me. I just had to listen to an hour of her complaining about you."

 _Fuck._

"About me? That's weird."

"Well, not really since you yelled at her in the hall today."

"Oh, that wasn't yelling. You should call her back and tell her I can show her what yelling is tomorrow."

Jake's laugh is more genuine this time.

"I'm not saying she didn't deserve it. That girl's something else. But maybe you overreacted?"

I don't know what to say, but I can agree. I overreacted for someone who isn't interested in Edward. Instead, I shock myself.

"How is this so obvious to everyone?" I sigh, maybe even whine, as I flop back on my bed.

And then I smack my forehead. Why the fuck am I talking to Jake? Of all the people I could confess all this to, he's really the last person I should trust. He's Edward's best friend, and until last week, he wasn't even all that nice to me.

"Do you mean you liking Edward?" He doesn't even wait for me to confirm it. "It wasn't obvious to me at all. I had no clue until this weekend, when everyone started talking about it.

I want to ask him so much. Who's everyone? What were they saying? But I don't interrupt, and he keeps talking.

"Look, I thought Edward started liking you a while ago. I've known him all my life, and I know how he acts when he's into a girl. And he's been into you for a while now."

"A while?" What's a while? Why's Jake telling me this?

"Yeah. Since before Christmas."

Oh. My. God. He's into me! He's been into me for a while? I haven't been imagining this?

"Look." Jake's voice changes. He's serious now. "He's not in a position to do anything about that."

What's 'that'? Am I 'that'? Are his feelings towards me the 'that' he's in no position to do anything about? Why?

"Do you know what I mean, Bella?"

"Yeah." But I don't. I have no idea what that means.

* * *

I'm buoyed from the information Jake provided last night. It's enough to give me the confidence to show up in the cafeteria. Edward's already at the table, and Lauren's nowhere to be found.

Until I sit down.

I'm at the far end of the table beside Garrett, who's across from Edward. Lauren sweeps from seemingly nowhere into the seat Ben's just vacated and a few people down.

She wastes no time before she attacks. "So, _Ed_ _ward…_ " She whines his name, and most of the people at the table stop their smaller conversations to turn to her. "You'll never guess who was mad at me yesterday."

His eyes quickly dart in my direction before he shrugs his shoulders and looks down at his plate of fries.

Lauren doesn't take the hint.

"Bella." As she says my name, I feel all the eyes at the table land on me. They're waiting for me to react. I'm waiting, too. I feel like the in control person I've constructed for the world to see could crash around me at any moment. And Lauren doesn't want to be on the receiving end of all this quiet, hidden rage.

"She yelled at me in the hall! Swore at me even. Can you believe it?" She puts her hand on her chest and blinks innocently.

Edward's still eating fries, head down.

Garrett turns to me. "I can give you the name of a guy. He wants to get into the hitman business."

I smile like this is nothing. Like my hands aren't under my thighs so no one can see how much they're shaking. "Thanks. But I'd like the satisfaction of doing in myself." In turning to look at Garrett, I can see the rest of the table. I'm slightly satisfied most of them are shooting daggers at Lauren, but she's continuing on, oblivious that she doesn't hold any power in this group.

"I mean, can you believe that Edward?"

Edward stuffs the last of his fries into his face and lets his hand fall to the table. It's not quite a hit out of anger, but the resulting sound finally stops Lauren. For a second.

"I know, right? I was _so_ shocked, too."

Edward swings his leg over the bench and grabs his tray. Garrett follows him.

"Lauren," Mike speaks up. "You should probably go sit over there." He points to an empty table near the garbage and recycling. The rest of the table laughs, but I notice Jess is glaring at me. I'm not sure when she and Lauren became so close, but it's obvious by her reaction she's the only one at this table who's taken her side.

I fiddle with the tab on my Diet Coke and make no move to slide closer to the rest of my friends. I'm still looking down when I feel the bench shift as two bodies slide in on either side of me. I know the two of them have returned, and instead of taking their previous seats, Edward and Garrett have now flanked me. Edward's straddling the bench, so I feel his legs brush against me… followed immediately by a poke in my rib cage. I'm sulking so I don't look right away, and then there's another poke.

Edward's looking at me expectantly, and I have no idea what to do. He pokes me again. "I'm just going to keep doing this until you smile." It looks like he's as good at pretending the hard stuff doesn't exist as I am. I'm relieved we're both going to act like the past five minutes didn't happen. He continues to poke me. I don't want to smile, because he's told me that's what would stop him. His finger moves toward me slowly, his expression daring.

I don't smile. I try to look like I'm the most bored girl in the world.

But instead of poking me, he tickles me just above my waist. And not only do I smile, but I laugh ‒ not because I'm particularly ticklish, but because I'm so happy.

"I knew I could break you." He goes to tickle me again, but I swat his hand away with my left hand while I move the fingers of my right over his knee like he always does to me. He exaggerates his response, pretending to shiver and letting out a quiet, "Woo."

We smile at each other. I'm aware this is the most 'us' we've been in front of people, but I'm too happy to care.

"Thanks for cheering me up."

"No problem." He leans a little closer to me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No!" I nearly shout it, because I'm so surprised he asked. I'm so not ready to talk about it. How does he not know what's upsetting me? It was, like, five minutes ago!

Edward looks a little taken back, and then I wonder if I missed my chance. But there's no way he wants to talk about _that_. He told Alice just yesterday he doesn't like me that way. I don't need to hear it straight from him today. I know he knows, and he knows I know he knows. That should be enough.


	8. So What'cha Want

**Thanks so much for sticking with these dumb kids. Aren't you so glad you got through high school?**

 **My wonderful team were really there for me this week. They make this better and pump my tires. Nic and Sri, thanks for your input. Iris, you are doing so much and still you ask for more. Love you girls.**

Chapter 7

"So What'cha Want" ‒ The Beastie Boys

 _I said where'd you get your information from huh?_

 **January 20**

I still drive everyone home after school. I think it's just become a thing. I don't go straight home. I head to the gym and run around the track until the only thing I can focus on is my breath. I find my rhythm and fly around the track. Running is freedom. Running is a reward. I didn't kill Lauren today, so I don't have to punish myself on the stairs.

I lose track of time while running, so I'm a little late meeting with my trainer. Volleyball tryouts are in a few weeks, and then I move right into soccer season. I'm hoping the meeting with the trainer will give me an edge. Captaining both teams is on my mental checklist. I want to go to McGill in Montreal. It's expensive and out of province, but between my four years of saving and a scholarship, I'm hoping to get there.

Because it's so far away from here.

* * *

The house is empty. There's twenty dollars and a note to grab myself some dinner with it. I'm not going to undo what I just did at the gym, so I grab an apple and the money and head upstairs.

Given what happened today, I'm a little surprised Edward's left me a message. Or maybe not. I don't know. I think I maybe missed an opportunity to talk to him about what happened, but I need to let these feelings go. I need to focus on school and sports and scholarships. No distractions.

I hope he's called to tell me he doesn't like me. Then I can get past this.

" _Hi, it's me. I'm just studying for our English exam, and I was wondering if you wanted to come over and study with me. Or talk to me… on the phone. If you want to. But you're not home."_

Um…. That isn't telling me he's not into me. That's an invitation to his house. A fucking awkward-as-fuck invitation. As though he were nervous.

He invited me to his house.

To study.

But he was…? Was he? Maybe he was nervous, because he wanted to talk about today.

 _Hey, dummy. He doesn't like you. It's just studying. Get over it._

But I'm dialing his number anyway.

"Hello?"

It sounds like Edward but… formal. I don't want to take any chances.

"Hello? Is Edward home?"

"Yup."

That's Edward. But then he's silent.

"You called?"

"Yup."

Okay. If this is what we're doing, then this is what we're doing. I say nothing more, and neither does he. I sit in silence. I will not give in. I don't know what this is, but I'm increasingly annoyed.

"Well, I've got a game. Bye."

And he hangs up.

I feel like we've had our first fight, but I missed it.

I need my other half. Before I can let myself get upset over what's going on, I give her a call.

"Hey, Alice! Do me a favor. Call my machine, check my message, and then call me back. I need your input."

"Edward?"

"Yeah. I need you to interpret it for me."

I let my phone ring four times, and it goes silent. Alice has my code. She's done this for me before, although it's never been to figure out a boy's message. After about a minute, Alice calls back and I immediately answer. "Well?"

"He invited you to his house. He says it's to study, but he sounded way nervous."

"Okay. That's what I thought, so I called him back." I tell her about the disastrous return call.

"Maybe he wanted to talk to you about what happened today, but he lost his nerve when you called back."

"Ugh. That's what I think, too."

"I know I told you to be careful, but if he wants to talk to you face to face, I think it's good. That's pretty brave."

"Maybe. Alice this is stupid. This crush is stupid."

"Oh, honey," she gently coos. She knows how close I am to crying. And I don't cry. "It's not stupid. You're a smart girl; you don't do stupid things. This isn't all one-sided."

I grunt. She doesn't know the stupid things I've done. I'm not smart. Not always.

"Thanks, Alice. I'm going to shower, and then I've got to study."

"No problem. You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I really am."

If I say it enough, I can make it true.

* * *

It's nearly midnight when the phone rings. I heard the 'rents come home, but they didn't come and check on me tonight. I don't even check the call display, because I want to get it quickly ‒ not because I'm particularly worried about waking anyone up, but because I'm confident it's Edward.

"Hey!" I nearly answer with, Yup," but if he's calling first, I'm not going to be like that.

"Hey, Bells!" It's not Edward; it's Jake. And he sounds really happy. "How's my best woman-friend?"

"I… don't know?" Who the fuck is he talking about? And why is he so damn giddy?

"Ha ha. Funny you. You know you're my woman."

I do? I am?

"I think you're supposed to tell Kate that." I have no problem reminding Jake he has a girlfriend. I'm vaguely aware I'm a big fat hypocrite, because if Edward had said that, I'd be flailing right now.

"Pshaw. Kate. I'm breaking up with her."

"You are?" He is? Does that mean… "What does that mean for the great foursome?"

"Are you not so subtly asking me about Tanya and Edward?"

I hate how he can read me so easily.

"Look, I've already told you. He likes you more than just a little, but it's not enough to break up with Tanya. I don't know what they have, but it's something, and he isn't going to end it." Jake has a way of saying something really harsh in the right tone of voice. I don't feel like he's trying to hurt my feelings. I like how straight he is with me. "Listen, I'll talk to him for you. He should pick you. You're so much nicer than Tanya. I like you way more."

I laugh, because I'm relieved and because I'm happy he's offered it himself.

"I like you, Bella."

"Of course you do. I'm your best woman-friend."

"Yeah." Jake laughs, too.

I'm glad we're getting to know each other better. I'm starting to rethink my opinion of him. He seems like a genuine guy, and right now, that's really refreshing. And I'm glad he's in my corner.

* * *

 **January 21**

Ten minutes before my English exam, I pull up behind the school. I'm nervous.

I'm feeling confident about my prep for the exam; it's seeing Edward that has me in knots. I wonder how he'll be today, if we'll even talk.

Even though the door to the class is open, he's waiting out front. He looks at me, but he looks a little sheepish, too. I'm not sure if I should walk by him or stop.

"You ready for this?" I'm the only one in the hall, so I guess I'm stopping. I'm not going to ignore him if he speaks to me.

"It's English." I roll my eyes. "I'm totally ready to write some bullshit about the hero's journey."

His eyes widen and dart to the door. He looks a little afraid to be caught bad-mouthing the course content. All the work I did this morning to convince myself to stop this crush evaporates as I'm struck by how good he is.

I decide on the spot to give him until the end of February. He may need some time to end things with Tanya the right way. I can give him time.

* * *

Alice is waiting at my locker, and we trade tales about our exams as we grab our coats and head to Jake's locker. There's a much bigger crowd than usual. Ben, Angela, and Jess have joined the three boys.

"It's my favorite ladies!" Jake yells as soon as we're spotted. He pretends to not notice Alice with her fingers in her mouth, gagging beside me. There's only one more day of exams to end the semester, and by the way they're acting, most of them finished today. I still have math tomorrow, so I'm not ready to celebrate yet.

Angela runs to the hall and hugs us. This isn't like her, but she whispers, ‟We need to talk," puts her arm around me, and clues me in to what this is about. She's giddy, but what good has ever come from those four words?

"We're going to see _Aladdin_." Angela wedges herself between me and Alice. She's different since she started dating Ben; a little louder, a little more confident. "You guys should come."

I know I should be home studying my ass off, but Edward meets my eyes and raises his eyebrows invitingly.

"I could totally take a study break right now. I'm in."

Angela lets out a little squeal before launching herself back at Ben. Alice and I exchange a quick what-the-fuck? glance, which turns into a grimace as we realize they're kissing two feet away from us.

We step away from them, and this time, Jake laughs when Alice pretends to gag.

"So who am I driving?" I try not to look at Edward, but I do. "You guys? And we'll let those two take care of themselves?" As soon as I make the suggestion, I realize I left someone out. "Jess? How should we split these yahoos?" I think it's a pretty smooth cover. Jess has her own car. I just hope this doesn't mean Lauren will be coming.

"It's already arranged!" Angela has come up for air and weighs in from behind us.

"Jess will take the boys, and I'll go with you and Alice!"

I'm a little disappointed with the arrangement, but I think Ang has done this on purpose. My ears are still ringing with her whispered message.

I'm barely out of the parking lot, trying to ignore Angela bouncing in the passenger seat beside me, when she finally explodes.

"Do you trust Ben?"

"What?" I'm totally confused.

"Before I say anything else, you have to tell me if you trust Ben."

"Of course I trust him. He's a great guy. What's going on Ang?" She's way too happy to be worried about Ben's loyalty.

"Good answer. Remember you trust him when I tell you what I'm about to tell you."

I glance in the rearview mirror to see Alice and her trusty eyebrow.

"Okaaay…"

"Edward likes you."

"What?" I didn't squeal that did I?

"Ben says Edward likes you!" Because Ang is definitely squealing.

"Did Ben say that? Or did Edward tell Ben that?"

My question takes the bounce out of Angela.

"Why does that matter?"

"Jake's already told me he thinks Edward likes me, but Edward hasn't said a word. And he's still with Tanya."

"But Ben's sure."

"Angela, I really love how excited you are about me and Edward, but‒"

"No! I just told you something awesome. You can't 'but' that."

"Look. Edward has a girlfriend. I'm not going to get in the way of that. I'm not that girl. I hate that girl. Besides, my little Christmas crush has downgraded to a harmless flirtation."

Alice quirks her eyebrow at me. I wink at her. She knows I'm full of shit, but I need to get the rumor mill under control.

* * *

I'm not sure how it happens, but Edward and I end up sitting together. He's got long legs, so he takes the aisle seat. He stretches one leg out into the space in front of him, but the other one presses slightly into mine. He can't sit still, though. His leg bounces against mine, and popcorn nearly spills from the giant bag we're passing down the line. I take a small handful ‒ six kernels ‒ and pass it to Edward. As soon as it's back in my hands, I feel his hand on my knee, spreading his fingers and giving me shivers. This time, I do spill popcorn and Edward laughs.

"I owed you from the other day." He blinks big puppy dog eyes at me, and I swat his arm.

The lights dim, and I sink down into the seat. Edward follows. His leg has settled down, probably because I've pressed mine against it. It's not quite the cuddling we did at Alice's party, but it's… something.

I've seen this movie seven times already. Edward's been with us a few times, but it's never been better than tonight.

As Jasmine and Aladdin lean into each other and take in the scenery on their magic carpet ride, Edward leans into me. I'm not sure how ‒ I mean, I know I didn't start this ‒ but my head is somehow on his shoulder and his head is resting on mine. We're in the exact same pose as the couple on the screen in front of us, and I'm dying.

Maybe I am that girl.

And I seem to be really happy about that.

Scratch that.

I'm fucking ecstatic.


	9. Rid Of Me

**I DO try to post every Sunday, so apologies for being a little late this week. I guess the good news is less time to wait for the next chapter ;)**

 **Special** **thanks this week to the Fic Sisters who featured this story over on their International House of Fan Fiction page. I'm so honored.**

 **All my love goes out to my team; Sri and Nic - my prereaders, and my wonderful beta, the amazing Iris. 3**

 **So, le** **t** **'s see what happened after _Aladdin..._**

* * *

Chapter 8

 **Rid of Me**

-PJ Harvey

Tie yourself to me

No one else

No, you're not rid of me

Hmm you're not rid of me

...Don't you wish you never met her

It's still early when we get out from the movies. I can't help but smile as Edward, Jake, and Garrett naturally walk to my car to get a ride home. It feels like a victory, but I can't explain why. It's not like I'm actually winning anything. And who's it over? Jess?

I drop my boys off at their respective houses and head to Alice's. I need to get to studying, but it's early enough that I follow her in. I can spare another hour and a half to watch _Encino Man_ before I dive into my calculus.

Alice starts the movie, but when she comes back to the couch, she sits facing me and gives me the eyebrow.

"What?" I think I know what, though.

"I feel like you aren't telling me everything."

I sigh. Because maybe I'm not. But the parts I'm leaving out are so hard to say out loud. "Not really. We talk most nights. It's so easy when we're on the phone. I feel like there's something there."

"Oh, there's something there all right. You two were PDAing more than Ben and Ang tonight."

I wrinkle my nose, because ew. "We weren't that bad."

She eyebrows me again. My heart beats just a little faster remembering his head on mine for the last few minutes of the movie.

I just roll my eyes. "We weren't."

"I wanted to have this big talk with you about how Edward seems to have a physical relationship with Tanya and an emotional one with you, but after tonight…"

Alice trails off. I don't have a rebuttal to that. She's actually nailed it. When it's just me and Edward on the phone, I feel… I can't even explain it. It's just so easy when it's the two of us. And that ease is beginning to bleed into real life.

For once, the movie can't hold my attention. I lean over, pick up Alice's phone, and dial into my messages.

I have one from just a few minutes ago.

"Hey, you. It's been nearly 45 minutes since you dropped us off. You better be studying. I'm just going to keep talking until you get tired of me and pick up. I'm sure you're madly going through some equations or something right now, but you want a break. Come on. Pick up the phone. You better be studying. You told everyone you were studying, and now where are you? I'm starting to think you're not home. I hope you're just really focused right now. I'll let you go. Call me back."

I'm laughing softly and shaking my head as I save the message. "I'm just going to call Edward back, okay?"

The thing about Alice is that she doesn't judge at all. "Sure." She pauses the movie as I dial the number.

As Edward and I talk about our exams, I'm aware Alice is listening in beside me. I think it's good she can see this.

And then I'm so glad she's beside me so I can grab her hand in reaction to the question Edward blurts out in the middle of our talk about our last few exams.

"So, do you want to do something this weekend?"

Alice sits up and presses her ear near the phone so she can listen in as I answer, "I don't know. Sure." I hope that came off as casual. I'm not sure if he just means all of us and I'm overreacting to this.

"I don't know what everyone else is doing, but we can do something."

Alice squeezes my hand and pulls her head back so I can see her mouth 'Oh, my God' at me.

"Yeah. That sounds great."

"Okay. I've got to get back to studying. We'll talk later?"

"Yeah. Later."

I hang up and look at Alice with wide eyes.

"That sounded date-y." I'm glad she said it first.

"It did."

"And you agreed. Good girl."

"Do you think he's still with Tanya, though?"

Alice looks thoughtful for a moment. "I haven't heard anything, which is weird. But I only know that Jake and Kate broke up because you told me. It's possible they've broken up and he just hasn't said anything. I'll make some inquiries for you."

I head home and try to study. I really try. But my mind keeps wandering to my maybe-date with Edward.

* * *

I want to call Edward, but I leave it. I put my energy into preparing myself for my last exam, and I take an extra shift at work Thursday night.

I'm loading the warmer with frozen loaves of bread and trying to make sense of what's going on. I think, maybe, it's possible he likes me. As I check off the list of breads to prepare the bakery manager has left me, I'm mentally checking off the signs that Edward likes me:

He stands very close, even when there's no need to.

What my friends say.

What his friends say.

The stupid little things he says.

New Year's Eve.

 _Aladdin_.

The only thing I can counter any of this with is a single name:

Tanya.

Is she still in the picture? There's no way he'd ask me out on a date if he had a girlfriend. He's a good guy.

Tanya's continued existence as his girlfriend wipes out anything that indicates he likes me. It's entirely possible he sees me as nothing more than a friend. Everything that he does that I see as flirty could just be him being comfortable with me. He could just see me as a sister.

I've managed to temper my excitement enough so I'm not at all disappointed when I get home to a solid light on my answering machine. No calls. We both have our hardest exams ahead of us tomorrow, so I don't call him, either.

* * *

I can't help but walk past Jake's locker. It's in the same hall as the doors to the student parking lot. I may have timed my arrival, though. The morning exams, which included Jake and Edward's French final, should've just ended.

My boys are at Jake's locker, just as I suspected. I'm not sure when the three of them became my boys, but I realize this isn't the first time I've thought of them that way.

"Hey! There's my woman!"

Instead of looking at Jake, who's calling down the hall, it's Edward's reaction I notice. Clearly this is the first time he's heard Jake call me that.

"Whatever." I roll my eyes. I don't want Edward to think it means something. "How was French?"

"Brutal."

"Great."

Jake and Edward answer at the same time.

"I've gotta make some sacrifices to the French gods tonight. If I flunk that exam, I won't get the credit. That means one more year here."

Garrett's laughing. "You know you aren't getting out of here that easy. There's no way you're heading to college next year. You've got at least one more year with us."

"Fuck that shit. Why would I stay here when there's a whole world of college girls waiting for this?" Jake points his thumbs at himself. I laugh, because I really don't see what other girls see in him.

Garrett and Jake continue teasing each other, but Edward has my attention now. We look at each other, but neither one of us makes a sound. I'm wondering if I should ask about tomorrow night, but I'd rather not in front of people. Instead, I just wave goodbye and head to the library.

* * *

I work all day Saturday, which is great because Saturdays are the busiest and I barely have time to think at all. As much as I want to spend my whole shift daydreaming about seeing Edward tonight, I can't. People have cakes they want decorated and bread that needs to be sliced.

But once my shift is over, the whole drive home, I can't stop wondering what'll happen tonight. Will it really just be the two of us?

I'm home just after six and fly to my room. The solid light surprises me. He didn't leave a message? Going through my call log leaves me even more depressed. Nothing. He didn't call. The only person who's called me today is Jess.

Fuck this. Fortune favors the brave, right? I've called a few times now, so I'm a lot less nervous when his mom answers. "Hello, Mrs. Cullen. Is Edward available?"

"I'm sorry. He's working this evening. Is this Bella?" she asks but doesn't wait for me to confirm. "I'll tell him you called."

"Thank you." I reply super chipper, but I'm feeling anything but.

I'm about to head into a downward spiral until I remember that he never said Saturday. He just asked about this weekend. That includes tomorrow. I've got another day before I can beat myself up over this. While that may be true, I know sitting around by myself will only end up with me wallowing in thoughts of Edward. I call Jess back and agree to go to her place to watch movies. Ben and Ang are already there, so it'll be the perfect distraction.

Alice and I are making arrangements for me to pick her up when a beep lets me know I've got another call. "Hey, Alice. I'll be there in five. My other line's going. It's probably Jess wondering where we are."

"Sure. I'll start walking. Find me on the street."

I don't even say goodbye to Alice before I switch lines. Jess can be a huge pain in the ass when she wants to. "Hey."

"Hey." It's Edward. Oh, my God. It's Edward. And I've just made plans. "You sound really busy."

"Oh, sorry. I'm just on my way to Jess' place to watch movies, but I've got to get Alice first."

Oh, no. Have I made a huge mistake? No. We didn't have definite plans. I'm not going to wait around for him.

Maybe I should've waited before I made plans, though. We did make sort of plans.

"Cool. Ben called and told me he was going, too. I'll see you there."

"Okay. Sounds great!"

If I wasn't in a hurry to get to Jess' place before, I sure am now.

Alice is waiting for me at the end of her street, and I quickly fill her in on the not-so-far-date situation.

We let ourselves in and head straight to the basement. Jess lives with her older sister. Their mom used to live with them, but she went to Vegas with her boyfriend and maybe married him. Jess shrugs her shoulders when we ask about it. I don't know if she really doesn't know or if she just doesn't want to talk about it. In any case, they came back from Vegas, and she moved into his place. She told the girls they could keep living in the house, though, so that's something.

Edward isn't here yet, but the basement's pretty full. This is what we do; we hang out in basements and watch movies. Sometimes we pick great movies. Tonight isn't one of those nights, though. Ang and Ben are sitting on the floor, leaning against the little couch, which is still empty. The big couch actually faces the TV, so it fills up first.

I'm careful to sit in the middle of the little couch behind Ben and Ang, because I know there's someone else coming and I know where I want him to sit. It's not long before a single set of heavy feet come down the stairs. I don't even have to turn around to know who it is; the butterflies in my stomach have already alerted me.

The basement is dark, but my eyes have adjusted much more than Edward's, so I get a chance to watch him. He pauses at the bottom of the stairs and looks around. I'm not sure if it's me he smiles at or just that there's a place for him, but it doesn't really matter, because he's giving everyone a little 'Hello' wave as he makes his way to me.

"Hey," he whispers as he lowers himself to the couch.

"You made it!"

"Yeah. I left my girlfriend at home again. I'm stressing again." I laugh, because what the fuck am I supposed to say to that? And what does he even mean _I'm stressing again_? Is he telling me he's stressed out, or is he telling me he doesn't hang out with her? "I told her I was going out with Bella again. She wasn't impressed."

What the fuck am I supposed to say to _that_?

Nothing, right?

There's no right fucking answer to this.

I'm still kinda laughing, because I have no other technique to deal with this. I can laugh, or I can flee. And I'm kinda stuck right now.

The phone rings, and I've never wished we were at my place more than right now so I'd have a reason to not be here. Instead, it's Jess who gets up. A moment later, she calls for Edward from her bedroom.

"It's Jake," she announces as she walks past him.

It's not unusual for Jake, or any of us, to call around to see what's going on. What is unusual is to hear Edward's voice raised. Jess kept her bedroom downstairs when her mom moved out, so he's close enough for us to hear bits, though we can't hear details because the door's closed. Then, pretty clearly, we do hear, "No! That's not what I'm doing!" There are a few more muffled, angry words spoken before Edward re-enters the room. Everything about his posture's changed.

"Everything okay?" Garrett calls from the big couch.

"Yup," Edward replies, but his tone of voice lets everyone know that it isn't.

He comes back to his spot beside me and huddles down. He's sitting a little closer this time.

"You really okay?" My voice is the barest whisper, because his shoulders are touching mine. When I turn to look at him, he also turns, and our faces are only inches apart.

"Sure am."

And he gives me that crooked, sheepish smile as he knocks his shoulder into mine, and I'm done for.


	10. Doll Parts

**Hello wonderful people. I'm a bit behind on my reviews, life's been a bag of dicks lately, but I read and cherish each of them. This week's lyrics give a lot away. But maybe I think that because I know what's coming :)**

 **Thanks to my team: My pre-readers Sri and Nic and my amazing beta Iris. You girls are my everything.**

 **This chapter is dedicated to my real life Alice. We were supposed to run away together to Cuba this week. Then real life happened. As I said, it's a bag of dicks.**

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

"Doll Parts" - Hole

Yeah, they really want you

They really want you, but I do too

I want to be the girl with the most cake

He only loves those things because he loves to see them break

I fake it so real I am beyond fake

And someday you will ache like I ache

 **January 24**

Given the promise it seemed to hold, Saturday night ended uneventfully. Edward and I didn't say much more to each other, and though we sat close, there was no _Aladdin_ -level cuddling. When the movie was over, everyone went off in the cars they came in, with the exception of Garrett, who went home with Edward instead of Ben and Angela, because let's face it; Ben and Ang probably had a dark parking lot in mind, not home.

As Jess sees us off at her side door, we all casually commit to coming back again tomorrow. We have a few days off before the start of the next semester. We may as well waste them. I'm not sure what this means for Edward and I maybe being alone, but given his Tanya admission, I'm pretty sure nothing's happening.

I hit the gym after work, shower there, and take a little bit of time with my appearance. I'm later to Jess' than I mean to be. Edward's already here.

"Bella!" Jess calls from the living room. "Emily called. She's allowed out of the house. Can you go get her?"

Emily's super sweet, but her mom is crazy strict. We used to hang out all the time, but her mom put an end to that. She thought I acted like I was in my 20s, not seventeen. Weird. Some parents would like their kids to have mature friends.

"I'm on my way. Give her a call and tell her it's me. I don't want to knock on the door." I turn to walk back out the door when there's someone else reaching past me to open it. Edward's opening the door with one hand while his half-on jacket hangs from the other shoulder.

"I'll go with you."

This is the first time we've ever been alone.

In person.

I don't know what to say.

I guess he doesn't either, because we sit in silence the whole ride to Emily's. She runs to the curb as soon as she sees my car and slides into the back seat.

"Thanks, Bella. Hey, Edward. You're in a super good mood! Thanks so much for coming to get me! I can't believe I'm actually allowed to do something…" Emily keeps talking, and I keep making appropriate sounds in appropriate places, but I'm thinking about Edward's good mood.

By the time we get to Jess' place, everyone's moved down to the basement. The lights are on, so they've at least waited for us to start the movie. I'm surprised to see Jake. I'm sure he wasn't here before. Edward sits beside me for the duration of the movie. Rather, I sit beside him, since he sat down before me. He's off-the-charts fidgety. His hands keep moving off his lap and hovering in the air, and then they're back to his lap, where his fingers drum against his thighs to a song only he hears. We're watching another terrible mystery, with the kind of sex scenes that invite all sorts of mocking from teens who've probably never had sex. When Garrett comments about the impossibility of safe shower sex, Jess lets us all know she's done it but that it's totally overrated. _Thanks, Jess_.

When the movie's finished, Jake makes the suggestion we go to McDonald's. I'm happy to have a break from the soft-light, sexy-lingerie, crime double feature Jess has selected for us. Edward has his dad's truck tonight, so our usual driving arrangements are a little off. We've unceremoniously divided ourselves into boys and girls. I swing by Alice's so she can grab some change. Emily's so happy to be let out of the house that she keeps us entertained the whole way there. We're all pretty shocked when she confesses she's got a crush on Jake. Alice voices her displeasure, as does Jess. I'm curious, though.

"What is it about Jake that you like?"

"He's so nice. I think he likes me, too. He's pretty flirty."

"He's like that with everyone." Even though it's exactly what I expected Alice to say, it's Jess that speaks up.

"He's friendly with everyone. But he makes me feel special…" Emily trails off dreamily. I hear myself in her, and the cynic in me cringes.

"Jake needs to keep his nose out of other people's business."

I'm about to agree with Jess, but Jake's been helping me out lately. Maybe his interference isn't so bad after all. But what's he doing with Jess? I'm suddenly suspicious. "What's Jake doing?"

"He's calling me, like, every night, and he's like, 'You like him. I know you like him. I see the way you look at him.'"

"Who?" the three of us ask together, in varying degrees of distress.

"Edward." Jess rolls her eyes at us.

The way she says it, so dismissively, knocks away my worry. Jake _can_ be a nosey idiot. "You know, if you did like him, I'd have to kill you," I joke with her.

"I liked him before you did!" she snaps back.

Well, that explains Lauren and Jess in the cafeteria last week. But also, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck.

Emily's pretty oblivious to what's just been revealed, and she keeps waxing on the virtues of Jake as we pull into McD's. Any positivity I was feeling tonight is quickly evaporating. This is where Edward met Tanya. She's since transferred to a different location, but I still have this feeling of heading into enemy territory ‒ not to mention the sudden enemy in my midst.

Because we stopped by Alice's house, we're way late. The guys already have their stuff and have a table to themselves. Alice and I grab a drink and a large fries to share, and head to the table next to the boys. Edward comes over right away. His wallet's on the table. Alice spies it and asks to look at it.

The first thing we see is a picture of a teen girl. She's pretty.

"Is this Tanya?" Alice asks what's probably obvious.

Edward glances my way before nodding. I have zero desire to look through the pictures in his wallet, so I take myself to the bathroom. I know I'm probably giving Jess my seat across from Edward, but that feels like the lesser of two evils here.

When I come out, Edward's back at his table, and Emily and Jess are sitting with Alice. She mouths 'sorry' at me as I sit beside her. I shrug my shoulders.

I'm not just worried about Tanya anymore. Now I have to worry about Jess, too.

* * *

We all head to the basement, but I'm behind everyone on the stairs. Edward goes to the spot at the end of the couch he was sitting on before, but before I have a chance to claim my original seat, Jess is in it. I have no choice but to sit beside her or Jake. I choose Jess.

I can't even watch them without being obvious, since we're on the little couch and I'm between them and the TV. I'm grateful for every single one of Jake and Garrett's stupid comments, because it means I can look in their direction and steal glances at Edward and Jess. They're not sitting as close as Edward and I were.

At one point, I catch Edward's eye, and he gives me that little shrug before swinging his legs over the end of the couch to lie over the middle. Over Jess. She looks like the cat that swallowed the fucking canary. I want to shove my hand down her throat and pull it out, but I know not to let it show.

I glance down at Edward. His head is half off her lap, and he looks really uncomfortable. He's looking at me, and as soon as he has my eye, he makes a face.

The this-isn't-what-I-was-trying-to-do-but-oops-now-I'm-here face.

I want to laugh at him, but I don't. Instead my hand moves to his hair, and I brush it out of his eyes. I've wanted to do this for so long. It's strange how I get the courage to now that he's lying across someone else's lap.

My hands keep exploring his hair. It's in that stage where he's not just missed a few cuts but you know he's growing it long. As my fingers reach the end of his locks, he tilts his head further back, arching toward me.

This continues for a few minutes until he gets up. He grabs a coke from the table and moves to sit beside Jake.

I can feel Jess glaring at me, but I watch the TV intently. She can choke on that fucking canary.

 **Thursday, January 28**.

I haven't heard from Edward since Sunday night. I haven't called him, either. Alice has a crazy theory that Jake's gotten Edward to stop calling. I don't even bother to ask her why. Alice thinks everything is Jake's fault lately.

I don't call Edward, though, because maybe this break will do me some good. I'm aware how stupid I'm being to let myself get deeper. He's still hasn't broken up with Tanya, he knows I'm into him, and now I have to worry about Jess. I need this time away.

Because when we're together, it's getting too hard. It's too hard to ignore this attraction I have to him. I feel this invisible pull; I need to sit beside him, and I need to touch him. If I get another chance to be alone with him, I'm not sure what I'll do. It's unbearable. I don't know how to stop this.

Classes started again today, and even though we don't have anything together this term, we still have the same lunch.

So I'm pretty disappointed that we're halfway through our break and he's still not around.

"I bet you're looking forward to Edward coming home this weekend," Ben says as he slips in beside me.

"Coming home?"

"Yeah. He's been visiting his cousins in Montreal all week. Didn't you know?"

"No." We talk about a lot, but maybe it's a lot of nothing, because I had no idea he had family in Montreal. I suppress a smile as I realize there could be a future for us, even if I go to McGill.

Well, I guess this break has done me no good.

"He's going to end it." This Ben says to me as he leans in. He's very quiet; I'm not sure I heard him correctly.

"End it?"

"This stupid thing with Tanya. He's going to end it. He's got nothing good to say about her anymore, and that's not like Edward."

"Well, it's not my business what he does."

"I think it's going to become your business."

 **February 1**

I'm not sure when Edward came home, but he's in the cafeteria today. As I'm walking toward the table, Angela approaches. She hooks her elbow to mine and turns us to walk to the food service area. I know by now that this is Angela's code for "We have to talk."

Angela says nothing, so I'm forced to wait for her as she picks up a tray and gets in line.

"I see a break up in someone's future," she sings at me.

I roll my eyes at her. "Yeah, Ang. Ben told me the same thing on Thursday."

"But do you trust Ben?"

"We've been through this already."

Angela puts her tray down on the metal counter to grab my arm. "Look. I can't give details, but something happened between Edward and Tanya. They _will_ be breaking up soon."

There's something about the tone of her voice that tells me to take her seriously.

"What happened?"

"I really can't say, but Edward just doesn't care about Tanya anymore. Ben's 100% sure Edward's into you. It's a fact, Bella. Okay? Fact."

Angela removes her hand and moves down the line.

I stare after her for a moment before I follow.

Who am I to argue with facts?

 **February 6**

Edward and I have spoken a little throughout the week, but he's been at work most nights. Earlier tonight, I dropped him and Jake off at work before I started my shift at the grocery store. The guys are working until midnight, and as soon as my clock turns to twelve, my phone rings. McDonald's.

"Hey, you need a ride home?" There's only one reason this number would be showing up.

"Bells! You read my mind!"

Oh. Edward got Jake to call and ask?

"I'll be there in a few minutes. Are you guys ready?"

"I'm ready. Edward's gone already."

"You just got off." How did Edward get out of there so fast?

"We weren't busy, so they let him go a few hours ago."

"Okay, then. Are you ready?"

"I will be when you get here."

* * *

True to his word, Jake's already waiting out front.

"Close your eyes," he says as he opens the door.

"Why?"

"Just close them."

I do.

"Now hold out your hand."

"Why?" I open my eyes. Jake's already sitting in the car.

"Hey, cheater. Just close your eyes and hold out your hand."

"Okay…" As soon as I close my eyes, he grabs my hand and drops something in my palm. "What is that?"

I look at the white bead in my hand. It's hard to make out what it is, but it looks like-

"It's a fish head. It's from my necklace. See?" He fingers the beaded necklace he always wears. "I took one off for you."

"Thanks?" I'm really not sure what to make of this.

It's 2 a.m., and Jake and I are still sitting out front of his place. The conversation's gone from me convincing him to ask Emily out to trying to get information about Edward.

Jake finally tells me he's going to ask out Heidi. She's a super cute cheerleader and a year younger than us. She completely fits his M.O., which I tell him.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You have a type, Jake."

"Yeah. Women."

"Tiny, perky, blonde women. I'm surprised you haven't been out with Heidi before."

"Been out with? No." They way Jake says it makes it clear there's something more to it.

"Been with?" I finish for him.

He looks at me and winks. "In a way."

"Oh, my God! Did you have sex with Heidi?" I swat his arm. Poor Emily.

"Nah. But…"

"Oh, no. You have to clarify this." There's a reason I want to know about Jake's experience, because I'm hoping it will give me some insight into Edward.

"Okay, but don't tell anyone. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Just before I started dating Kate, Heidi gave me a blow job at a party."

"What?!"

"Yeah. I went out with Kate, because I'd been interested in her for a while, but that's run its course. I'll see how things go with Heidi. It's all about the thrill of the hunt. You know what I'm talking about."

"No, I don't." I really don't. And this time, I'm not afraid to let Jake know.

"Sure you do. That's what's going on with you and Edward. You like the hunt. If he were available, you wouldn't be all hung up on him."

I can't deny I'm hung up on him, but Jake's so wrong.

"No. I _hate_ that he's with someone. I hate this."

"Uh-uh." He shakes his head. "You're a catch, Bella. You could have your pick of any guy, but you can only see Edward."

Jake's so wrong about all of this, but he continues.

"What you like is this pursuit. You want to get Edward to like you, don't you?"

"Yes, because I want to be with him."

"I think you just like hunting him."

"You don't even know what a big deal it is that I want a boyfriend, that I'm pursuing him at all." The words are out of my mouth, and I regret them immediately.

"What do you mean?" Jake sounds so sincere that I think about answering him and being truthful, but the porch light goes on and the front door opens. Jake's dad points at Jake and then at his watch.

"Shit. We'll talk about this later. Okay?" Jake opens the door and hustles out. He waves at his dad and then ducks his head back into my car.

"I'll talk to Edward again. I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

He bangs on the hood of my car as he closes the door and runs into his house.

I wonder what he's talked to Edward about before.

I hope it wasn't hunting.


	11. Me And A Gun

**This chapter was a hard one for me, luckily I have an amazing team to get me through it. Nic and Sri pre-read and make sure there's no drama lama that doesn't have to be there. Iris betas this when she should be in a dark room taking care of herself. She's a dedicated, wonderful, darling person.**

 **Once you're done here, check out Sri's meet the mate contest. You still have a little time to submit too!** **Fun Meet the Mate Fact: As I mentioned in the sneak peak at the lemonade stand, the first third of this story is heavily ripped from my own life. This night happened to me. The guy in the theater that shrugs us off? I ended up meeting him nearly two years later. It's worked out for us, we celebrated out 17th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago.**

 **This chapter contains references to a sexual assault. It isn't overly detailed, but I've structured the story so that this chapter sits on its own and can be skipped if you want. I feel the need to remind everyone that no matter what, the only person responsible in a sexual assault is the perpetrator. It is NEVER, EVER the victim's fault. If you need to talk to someone about your own experiences the RAINN organization is a great place to start. Talk to someone when you're ready. Heal in your own time.**

 **It's not your fault.**

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

"Me and a Gun" - Tori Amos

You can laugh

It's kind of funny, the things you think

at times like these

Like I haven't seen Barbados

so I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing

Does that mean I should spread…

 **February 6**

We're all going to retro movie night at the university tonight. Almost all of us, anyway, Edward can't go. He's working. Again.

We're kind of an obnoxious crowd as we head into the small theater. There are a couple of guys sitting in the back row, but there are about twenty of us taking up the first two rows.

Like I said, we're _all_ going to retro movie night. You can't say no to Ripley kicking some alien ass on the big screen.

I'm sitting between Jake and Alice. It's still tense when they're together. They're jostling for my attention throughout the movie; the devil and angel on my shoulders.

Our obnoxiousness continues through the screening. Half the guys here with us also work at the grocery store. Our summer softball team is called the Paxtons. As in, Bill 'Game over, man. Game over' Paxton. They're here to worship. The guys behind us say nothing. In fact, we hear them laugh at Mike's enthusiasm a few times. On my way out, I catch the eye of one of the guys. I give him a shrug, which I immediately realize is me channeling Edward. He smiles at me and waves it off.

My car is full leaving the theater, but my tour through the neighborhood empties it out fast enough. The route I took tonight means I'll end up dropping Alice off before Jake, which sucks because I need some time with her. I thought about asking her to sleep over, but Charlie's on his way down, and I'm not sure I want her around when he's punching holes in the wall. I drop her off and tell her I'll see her tomorrow. She waves to me and then flips Jake off. He doesn't seem to notice.

Jake's street is only a few blocks away from Alice's, and as I turn onto it, he tells me to pull in front of Ben's house. "If my parents see you pull up, they'll make me come in." Ben lives just before the curve in the crescent that takes us to Jake's. "And I want to finish our conversation from last night."

I'm equal parts nervous and excited. _Did he talk to Edward?_

"Did you ask Heidi out, yet?" I'm not sure if I'm ready to have him tell me something negative about Edward, so I deflect for a moment.

"Nah. I gotta take my time on that, work it out. I told you. Thrill of the hunt."

"Oh, yeah." I roll my eyes. "Thrill of the hunt," I repeat, mocking him.

"Hey, now. Don't make fun. You know you like it, too."

"I told you I hate it. I _hate_ this part. I just wish he'd break up with Tanya so I can go out with him." Wow. That's a confident statement.

"Bella..." I know by the tone of his voice that Jake's not joking anymore. "I don't think he's going to break up with her."

I feel myself slump a little in my seat.

"I know Ben's telling you all sorts of shit, but I don't think he knows anything. I think it's wishful thinking. We all want him to go out with you. I've told you that before. I'd pick you over Tanya any day. He's loving the attention from you, but he's not dumping her."

I take a deep breath.

Jake has no reason to lie to me.

I think he sees I'm a little upset because he shifts the conversation right away to something light and jokey.

It works.

We've been sitting in the car and chatting for nearly an hour when Ben pulls up. He looks our way and waves, but he looks pretty surprised.

I voice my surprise when he doesn't come over to join us but heads into his house instead.

"It's nearly one, and he's probably just coming in under his curfew."

"Oh, yeah. I forget people have curfews."

"Wait. You don't have a curfew?" Jake's completely taken back.

"I don't think I've ever had a curfew."

"Are you serious? You're so lucky! I'm going to have to sneak in tonight."

"Do you have to be in by one, too? You live a few houses away. I'll totally have you there in time." I pull my seatbelt across my chest, but Jake grabs my hand.

"Nah. I sneak in all the time. I'd rather be here with you."

I let go of the seatbelt and pull my hand away from Jake's in the process. His hand hovers for a moment between us, and I have the faintest flicker of a thought.

 _Jake's interested in me_.

But the thought's gone as quickly as his hand. That's ridiculous. I'm so not his type. This friendship we have is strictly platonic. It's why I feel so comfortable talking to him about Edward.

"So what do you think Ben was doing that made him so late?" I ask, because I need there to be not be silence right now.

"Angela," Jake answers without missing a beat.

"He wishes!" I don't want to betray Angela's trust. I know they haven't ─ yet ─ but they've been close a few times.

Jake's looking at me like he's trying to get something from me. "What?"

"Nothing."

But he's still looking at me. "What?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering... You know that Heidi's given me a blowjob, but I don't know anything about you."

"There's nothing to know."

It's a lie.

"There's no way that's true."

"I haven't even kissed anyone."

That's true.

"What?! There's _no way_ that's true? What are you hiding, Bells?"

Jake's laughing. And then he isn't. He's seen the look on my face.

"What are you hiding?" This time, his voice is gentle.

I want to tell him. Some of it.

"It's nothing. Really. I mean, I've dealt with it, but it fucked me up for a little while."

"Holy shit, Bella. I didn't mean to joke around. I had no idea. Were you..." He pauses for a second before finishing. I know the word he's struggling to say.

"Yes. Kind of. I don't know."

I struggle to say it, too.

"What do you mean?" There's no judgement in his voice, just concern.

"A couple of years ago, I went to a party with someone from work. She was home for the summer from school, and I was pretty excited to be going to a college party. But it turned out to be a shitty house party near the store. I didn't want anyone to know how young I was, so I accepted the drinks as they came. Victoria was pretty hammered, too, but we had a pact to look out for each other, so I wasn't as concerned as I should've been."

I don't say anything else. I'm hoping Jake'll put it together.

"Something happened, didn't it?"

I nod. This is the most I've ever told anyone. Alice doesn't even know this. I feel like such a fucking idiot that this happened to me.

"It's not your fault, you know. Even if you were drinking."

"I don't even know. For sure. What happened." My sentences are broken. I'm lying. I know. I just don't like thinking about it. There's what happened, and then there's the narrative I've created in my head. But I want to keep talking about it. Now that it's coming, it's all coming.

"Victoria and I got separated. Someone said they saw her going into a bedroom with a guy. We had a pact, so I went looking for her. I didn't know that the same person who told me where she was supposed to be followed me up the stairs. He closed the door behind me, threw me onto the bed, and told me he was going to fuck me."

There's silence in the car as I gather my thoughts. I'm glad Jake's giving me space to not talk.

"I don't really remember anything else. Everything else, I see from above. I was terrified. It's a hell of a way to learn your fright reaction is more dominant than your fight or flight."

"It's not your fault, Bella," Jake whispers into the car. I've turned my head away from him. It was easier to say it out loud if I didn't have to see him, if I could just say the words into the night.

"I didn't even say no." I don't want to talk about why.

"It's not your fault, Bella." He says it more firmly now.

"Do you want to know the worst part?" I turn to look at him now. "He drove a Camaro with a fucking snake painted on the hood."

"That... wasn't actually the worst part, was it?"

"No." But he doesn't push me to say anything else.


	12. Only In Dreams

**Thank you everyone for your words of support after last week's chapter. It took me a long time to be able to talk about what happened to me, and it was only after I heard other women discussing their own assaults. Their words gave me courage and I feel like I owe it to those brave women to keep the conversation going. For those of you who shared your own stories, and those of you who are not yet ready to talk: I'm sorry. It's not your fault.**

 **This week's chapter is brought to you by my wonderful team: Nic and Sri, who read this first and challenge me to be better. And Iris, who keeps this double spacing loser as a client. And friend.**

 **Thanks to my cheerleaders at The Lemonade Stand for recommending me this week. And some extra love to Nic, who reread Goodbye Peter Pan** **and sent some new readers my way.**

* * *

"Only In Dreams" − Weezer

You can't resist her

She's in your bones

She is your marrow and your ride home

February 13

It's official. I miss Edward.

I see him every day at school. Unless he's at work, we still talk almost every night. But it's not just Edward; it's EdwardandJake. They're suddenly joined at the freaking hip. Every day this week, they've been together when one of them has called.

It's not that I mind Jake. He's managed to worm his way into being one of my closest friends. But I want Edward. I _want_ him. There's this little pain that sits on my chest when I think of him, which is _always_.

And Jake's different when he's with Edward. He's loud and the guy that annoyed me for so many years. And Edward's different, too. He barely gets a word in. Right now, they seem to be a package deal, and I like them so much more as individuals.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and there's still no word of a break up. Despite Ben's assurances otherwise − "Be patient, Bella. He isn't a monster. He won't dump her in the days leading up to Valentine's Day." − I'm starting to think that maybe Jake's right.

Jake has no reason to lie to me.

Of course, neither does Ben.

I flop back onto my bed, but then I'm immediately out of it. Charlie's on the rampage in the living room. I'm halfway down the stairs, ready to get between him and mom, before I can hear what he's going crazy about.

Hockey.

Okay. Crisis averted. For today. He's drinking more again. Today, it's hockey that's lead to a beer bottle being thrown against the wall. We aren't far away from it being dinner, because whoever cooked it for him hadn't read his mind, and he didn't want _this fucking shit_. He wanted some _other fucking shit_. I don't know why she stays. Well, I sort of know. When things are good, they're really good. But the bad? It's too bad. I'm hoping when I'm done with school, I'll be able to get far away from here and she can come live with me.

For now, I head back into my room and press play on my CD player. I haven't changed the CD in there for a while now. Every time I press play, I'm back in the movie theater with my head on Edward's shoulder.

I must've drifted off to sleep, because I'm startled and a little disoriented when I hear the phone ringing.

I press pause as I pick up the phone. Although the Cullen name shows up on the ID, I'm not sure if it's going to be Jake or Edward.

"Hello?"

"Hey. How are you?" It's Edward's voice. I sigh slightly; my defenses are down in my hazy state.

"Sleepy, apparently." I hope he just thinks I was just yawning. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Sorry. I can let you go. I just thought you'd still be up."

"Nah. Sleep's for suckers. What time is it, anyway?"

"It's nearly midnight."

I sit upright in bed. It's nearly Valentine's Day. And he's on the phone with me. Does he even realize?

"Is Jake there?" I'm so used to them being together that I just assume that's the case. But Edward's silent long enough that I'm wondering what I've said wrong.

"No. I can let you go so you can call him." Edward's voice reminds me of the day we had the fight of silence.

"No!" I practically shout at him. "No. I want to talk to you. I was making sure it was _just_ you."

"Oh... Okay." His voice is warm again. I love his voice late at night. It's deep and just a touch quiet. I can picture us huddled under a blanket together, trying not to let his parents know he's managed to sneak a girl into his room. "Did you have any good dreams?"

"I may have," I tease. The truth is that I'd been dreaming of him, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

Was I?

"Tell me about it."

"It was in the eighteenth century." I laugh, because it sounds so ridiculous when I say it out loud. "I had on one of those crazy dresses and the tall white wig. I was getting married, but I hadn't met my husband, yet. I was terrified."

"Bastard!" Edward exclaims.

"What?" I'm confused. Am I the bastard? Is he watching TV?

"The guy who marries you in your dream. Bastard."

I'm at a loss for words. In the dream, it was him. But I feel like telling him that would be a little heavy handed.

"It's all right. The guy ended up being just my type."

"He's still a bastard." Edward's voice is even quieter.

I'm at a bigger loss for words. What does he mean?

"So…" He drags the word out. "What've you been listening to lately?"

I could lie and say something cool, something approved by a guy who's looking to start his own band. But there's something about late nights with Edward that makes me feel at ease.

"The _Aladdin_ soundtrack."

"I'm going to start calling you Jasmine."

"Jasmine?"

"You're my princess Jasmine. You're a little _Aladdin_ obsessed."

"Than what does that make you?"

"I don't know. Apu, I guess."

Wow. Weird. That was not what I was expecting at all. I was kind of thinking he was going to cast himself as Aladdin, not the sidekick.

"It's past midnight now," he says, suddenly breaking the silence. "Happy Valentine's Day."

His voice right now… There's a huskiness to it. Maybe I'm imagining it, but it's crazy fucking hot.

He _knew_ what time it was when he called. And as the day shifted from the mundane 13th to the much-hyped 14th, it isn't Tanya he called to wish Valentine's greetings to.

This time I know my sigh is audible. "Happy Valentine's Day, Edward." My voice is a breathless whisper. I've fallen hard for this boy.

* * *

February 14th

Jess is having everyone over. We're watching anti-Valentine's Day movies. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope to fucking God it isn't softcore thrillers like last time. We don't need another night of Jess telling us what sex positions are really possible, because I'll combust.

Even though Edward and I stayed on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, the subject of exactly what he was doing for the day never came up. Jake's at Garrett's, and they hop the fence to get a ride. I watch them from my bedroom window and then head downstairs. When I open the door, Garrett extends his hand. In it, he's clutching an icicle.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Bella!" Said icicle is now thrust in my face as Garrett throws an arm around me in an awkward hug.

"Excellent! Thanks so much." I take the icicle in my mitten-covered hand and then give Jake a quick hello wave. Once we're in the car, I rest my icicle in the ashtray. Jake takes my hand, pulls my mitten off, and deposits another fish head bead into my hand. It's a little reminiscent of the first time he gave me a bead, but this time, he keeps a hold of my hand. I have to pull it away to drive.

By the time we're at Jess', my icicle's gone. Only a small puddle of water remains in the ashtray. Garrett leans in to inspect the fate of his gift.

"It melted." He puts his hand on my shoulder as he delivers the news. "There's a lesson there about love for you, Bella." Garrett gives my shoulder a pat and lets himself out.

* * *

We're still hanging out in Jess' kitchen when Edward lets himself in. He looks _good_. Yes, he always looks good to me, but today's different. He's dressed up.

Of course he is. It's Valentine's Day, and he's not single. Jake's already mentioned that Edward's absence must be because he's with his actual girlfriend.

But he's here.

The guys all whistle as he comes in. The jeans are very Edward, but the button-down shirt, tie, and suit jacket are a departure from the band tees and plaid he's usually in.

"Whoa, man. Looking good. It's pretty early to be calling it a night, though. Things okay?" Mike's the one to ask what we're all thinking. At least, it's what I'm thinking.

"Didn't Jake tell you? I took my mom out for dinner. It's her birthday, too… I told Jake to tell you guys I'd be coming over after that."

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" It's so bitchy and out of my mouth before I've even finished the thought. I certainly didn't mean to say it out loud. My face warms with embarrassment. Everyone's turned to look at me, then to Edward, and then back to me. Behind me, I hear someone let out a low whistle. I think I'm the one who just said what everyone was really thinking.

Edward's eyes widen slightly, and his mouth opens a few times to answer, but nothing comes out. He looks like a fish out of water, and I hate myself for doing this to him in front of all of our friends. He ends up just nodding, and I look away. Jake's smiling and winks at me, like I've done the right thing. I feel anything but.

There's pizza in the kitchen, but I'm not having any. I'm aware Edward's already taken himself downstairs. Jess tried to follow him, but Alice − bless Alice − swooped in and engaged her in a conversation about Jess' favorite topic: Jess. I owe her.

Garrett and Mike head downstairs, and I go with them. I need to talk to Edward, but maybe it's best if I don't do it alone. He's sitting on the crappy couch in the dark. The guys head to the other one and turn on the TV. I sit beside Edward.

"Sorry." I go to put my hand on his leg, but just before I touch him, I realize I shouldn't. My hand hovers awkwardly for a few moments before I quickly pull it away.

He says nothing, but leans in and bumps his shoulder into mine. I look at him, and he shrugs.

"You don't… You're not wrong."

"It's not my business, though."

He just shrugs at me again and turns to look at the TV. After a few moments, I feel him bang into my shoulder again. I turn to look at him, but he's acting like he's totally absorbed in the TV.

"What's up?" I ask.

He looks at me, eyebrows raised in mock confusion. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

I turn to watch TV again, and almost immediately, his shoulder knocks into mine. I whip my head around, but he's back to his not-at-all-convincing, TV-watching pose.

"Seriously?"

He turns my way, once more feigning innocence, but this time, he deliberately bumps his leg into mine. I know it's deliberate, because as soon as he's done it, he gives me a what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it shrug and smiles.

"Oh, so this is how it's going to go down, is it?" My hand darts out to poke him in the ribs, and when he grabs it, my other hand reaches to tickle him. He squirms and grabs that hand, too, and before I know it, we're wrestling on the couch. I'm laughing and trying to get my hands free. I've managed to kneel on the couch so I'm leaning over him. My hand finally slips free, and I move in to tickle him, but I lose my balance. Suddenly, I'm on my back and Edward's over me. We each have a free hand, which we use to tickle. It turns out we're both pretty ticklish, so we're squirming and laughing and end up rolling off the couch onto the floor.

The fall, and the audience watching us from the stairs, ends the wrestling. I'm now lying on top of Edward. The hands that were once grasped, and therefore weren't free for tickling, are still together, but they've evolved to something less aggressive. People step around us on their way to their seats. I go to get up, but Edward wraps a leg over mine. I raise my head off his chest, and I feel his leg squeeze mine once more as he shakes his head. He reaches up to the couch no one's sitting on and grabs a pillow from the end. He puts it under his head and turns to look at the TV. His free hand rests on my back, and I lower my head to his chest again. I can't see the TV for shit, but there's no way I'm going to move. It strikes me that he's an awful boyfriend, but I don't hesitate to stay where I am. It'll be different when he's mine.

 _When he's mine._

I know it's an inevitability we're crashing toward.

Of course it's too good to last. The last few people head downstairs, and we need to get up from the base of the couch. I sit at the end, and Edward squeezes in beside me.

We're still holding hands.

* * *

Because it's a school night, we only watch one movie and head home before midnight. Edward drove himself. I assume he's going to drive Jake home, but he doesn't offer. Jake and Garrett join me in my car. Garrett immediately opens my glove box and starts going through my tapes, quickly finding what he's looking for. As I back out of the driveway, U2 blares from my speakers while Garrett sings loudly beside me. It only takes me a minute to pull in front of Jake's house. He says nothing while getting out − not that we'd be able to hear him with the music blaring the way it is − but he bangs on my window and motions to roll it down.

"We need to talk!" He shouts it at me, and I don't know if it's anger or if it's just to be sure he's heard.


	13. November Rain

**Thanks to my fab team: Nic, Sri and Iris. You guys rock.**

* * *

"November Rain" - Guns and Roses

When I look into your eyes

I can see a love restrained

But, darlin', when I hold you

Don't you know I feel the same?

February 19

For all of Jake's crap on Sunday night, he hasn't said anything to me all week. He and Edward are still always together, and I'm over it.

Which doesn't mean I'm over Edward; it just means I'd like to talk to Edward one on one. I'm kinda glad Jake hasn't tried to get a hold of me. I feel like I'm just going to get another version of the shit I got from Alice. She's right; wrestling, cuddling, and holding hands with a guy who has a girlfriend isn't okay. Away from him, I get that. But I'm making terrible choices when he's around. I'm giving him until the end of the month to end it with Tanya, and then I'm giving up.

I'm giving myself this pep talk as I sit in Edward's driveway. I've never actually been to his house before. I know Jake's already here, 'cause he was here when Edward called and invited me over. Ben's car is out front, but that's it. Small crowd tonight.

Edward told me to just walk in through the side door and head down the stairs. Even if they weren't right in front of me, I'd know where to go based on the noise. This may explain why they're always together now.

All of Edward's crazy work hours make sense when I see what he's obviously bought himself recently; I've spent enough time with these guys to know a Strat when I see one. They've been drooling over Fender's iconic guitar for ages. Garrett's here, too, which is kind of a surprise. He's also brought his guitar and stands in front of the mic. Jake completes the trio behind a drum set. Ben and Angela are heckling them from the couch. It's deserved; they suck. And that's coming from me. I love my boys, but they need way more practice.

Once I'm spotted on the steps, Edward pulls the guitar over his shoulder and heads in my direction. I'm caught by surprise when he pulls me into a hug. The "Don't be stupid. Keep your distance. He has a girlfriend" talk I gave myself on the way over here is squeezed out of me. This feels like something — like I'm coming over to my boyfriend's band practice — and Edward's somehow become even more attractive to me.

I'm embraced by Jake and Garrett in turn after Edward steps back. This is weird, and now I feel like I'm missing something. I catch Angela's eye, and she looks just as confused as I feel.

Totally expecting them to get back to it, I sit beside Angela on the couch, but Jake sits down beside me. I guess I'm not going to see them play. I'm more than a little relieved.

They chat about Edward's new guitar and Jake's drum set. It turns out they bought them together and Jake's parents refused to let him in the house with them. Edward's parents didn't mind storing them in the basement. As long as their band practices weren't happening when they were home, they were fine with it. Maybe even a little more than fine. Edward's dad had his own band back in the day, and it was him that had taught Edward to play. I fall a little more; his relationship with his parents is so ideal, so the opposite of anything I know.

Edward disappears upstairs to grab cold Cokes from the fridge, and Jake gets up to root through the Cullen movie collection. As he's selecting candidates for tonight's viewing, Edward hands out the Cokes. He finishes with me and then sits down in the space Jake just vacated.

Jake hasn't noticed, yet. His back's to us as he loads the VCR. When he turns around, he looks at Edward and then to the big empty chair Edward was sitting in. Instead of heading to it, he walks toward me and Edward.

"I was sitting there," Jake points out.

"You were." Edward shrugs and puts his feet on the coffee table in front of him.

I don't know where to look. I can feel Jake's eyes on me, but I don't know what he's expecting. He knows how I feel. I'm not going to send Edward away.

"Jake, man, go turn off the lights and sit down. We got some Tom Cruise making left turns to enjoy." Garrett rescues me — all of us — from the brink of something awkward.

"Yeah, baby! _Days of Thunder!"_ Jake responds. He no longer seems concerned about the seat. But I watch him out the corner of my eye as he moves to the light switch and notice he flips it with his middle finger.

* * *

At some point in the movie, Edward's put his head on my shoulder and our hands have somehow migrated together. I have another soundtrack I'll need to buy and listen to on repeat. Edward gets up as soon as the end credits start playing and turns the lights back on.

"Sorry, guys. I gotta kick you out. I'm working breakfast in the morning."

"Is that so you can go to the dance?" Angela asks. I know about the city-wide McDonald's dance. She's going with Ben. They asked if I wanted to go with them, but that means I'll meet Tanya. No, thanks.

Edward nods.

"Bellaaaa." Angela drags my name out, and I know what's coming. "You should come with us! Jess is coming." She looks at me meaningfully. I wonder when that happened. I know it must've been recently, because she would've told me the minute she knew. "Jake invited her. You should come, too. We're all going together."

"No, thanks. I'll pass. I don't need to be the fifth wheel; you and Ben, Jess and Jake, and then lonely old me."

"Oh, God, no!" Jake bellows. "I'm not _taking_ Jess. She's not a fucking date! I just told her she should come along with us. Come with us. It'll be fun."

I'm not sure how much fun I'll have watching Edward and Tanya be together, but maybe this is exactly the kind of thing I need to see.

"Sure. I'll go." I can't bring myself to look at Edward. I think I've just put him in a terrible position. I know I shouldn't feel bad about his behavior, but I also know we've spent the past two movie nights secretly holding hands. I follow everyone up the stairs, and the guilt over my behavior is weighing heavy. I deserve this. I deserve how much it's going to hurt watching them be a couple.

"Hey, Ben." Jake calls to him as we're walking out the door. "Can you take Garrett home? Bella and I are going to Strange Angels for some dessert. See ya, Edward!"

I turn to say goodbye, but Edward's already heading back downstairs.

Jake doesn't say anything until I'm off Edward's street. I don't really want to go out for dessert with him, because it means we're finally going to have the talk.

"Pull in there," he says, pointing at the elementary school parking lot. "We need to talk."

I sigh, because this means we aren't going to make it to Strange Angels before it closes at midnight.

"I thought you wanted dessert," I say as I pull into the lot. It occurs to me Jake may have had an ulterior motive for telling everyone he was going to take me to a trendy downtown cafe. That sounds pretty date-y. And he did sound a little too happy when he said goodnight to Edward.

"You are so weak!" he yells as I put the car in park.

"Excuse me?" My head whips around to face him. This isn't what I was expecting. If I wanted someone to yell at me and point out my flaws, I'd have stayed home with Charlie.

"I saw you two. Why do you let him treat you like that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I deny it, but I _do_ know.

"You don't know what I'm talking about? Bullshit. But I'll tell you anyway. Edward's head on your shoulder for the entire movie. Do you know how much it hurts me to have to watch the two of you like that?"

Whoa. Stop.

"What do you mean, 'how much it hurts'?" It's the same thing I thought when I realized I was going to have to watch Edward and Tanya together tomorrow night.

Because I'm head over heels for Edward.

Why would it hurt Jake to watch me with Edward?

Jake's still looking at me with wounded eyes.

"Look," he sighs. "I like you. I don't want to see you get hurt. Everyone can see that Edward's into you. But he's just going to end up hurting you. He has a girlfriend, Bella. He's just going to take what he can from you, but he isn't going to break up with Tanya or he would've already."

Jake's right. I know he is, and it's taken the argument right out of me.

* * *

February 20

I've been a nervous mess the entire day. Trying to come up with something to wear tonight, I've emptied the contents of my closet onto the floor. _Of course_ this is the weekend Alice is in Toronto with her dad to check out colleges. I really could use her right now.

In the end, I settle on jeans and an off-the-shoulder top I got for Christmas but haven't had an occasion to wear yet. I'm just finishing up with my makeup when I hear the doorbell ring. Charlie and Renee are still at work. There's been some emergency, which isn't all that rare, and given the mood Charlie's been in this week, I'm glad he's not around.

I'm not surprised Jake's the one at the door. He called me three times today, but I just let it go to the machine. He never left a message, and I didn't bother calling him back.

"Hey." I greet him as I move right past him. I don't want to talk to him right now. I'm sure he's going to give me a warning to not be weak with Edward tonight. As if. Tanya in the flesh is going to be enough of a cold shower.

By the time we get to the hall that's hosting the dance, I'm an even bigger mess. My hands are shaking, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw up. Every possible scenario's played on a repeating loop. I've thought about everything from Tanya confronting me to Edward, Tanya, and wildly inappropriate PDA.

What I haven't thought about is what's happening right now: Edward greeting me with a hug like he did last night. I'm a little terrified Tanya's going to attack, so I end up just standing there with my arms at my sides. Jake approaches Garrett, who seems to be here with Edward.

"Hey, man. What are you doing here?" Jake pulls Garrett into one of those man handshake-hug things.

"I think Edward got stood up. He called me half an hour ago and asked if I wanted to go with him."

Edward lets go of me, and he and Ben are talking behind me.

"Don't get your hopes up. She's going to have spies everywhere." Jake's back at my side, taking my coat from me and dispensing advice.

I already know he's wasting his breath. I'm weak when it comes to Edward.

* * *

We've been here for a few hours, and the more I learn about Edward, the more I'm in awe. Not only is he one of the only guys that dances with us, but he can actually dance. He doesn't even take a break. I, on the other hand, have been pulled away from the dance floor to the surrounding tables by Angela.

"He won't even tell Ben what's going on. I don't know if she stood him up or if he cancelled. It's all a big mystery!" Angela's perhaps even more excited than I am that Tanya isn't here. I'm aware the music's changed tempo, and we're into the first round of slow songs tonight. I can't help but look in Edward's direction.

And he's heading this way.

"I'm all sweaty, but when I dry off, do you want to dance?" He's asking me to dance!

I somehow manage to say yes, and Edward sits beside me. Everyone else seems to have found a partner, so it's just the two of us. The first slow song bleeds into a second.

"I think I'm dry enough." Edward stands and motions to the dance floor. I follow him out and notice Jake heading in our direction.

As I walk past him, he grabs my elbow. "You want to dance?" Jake's already pulling me toward him, but I step back.

"No. Edward's already asked me."

"Okay… So long as he's the one who asked you."

I don't reply, but I'm pissed. I don't know who the fuck Jake thinks he is right now.

My hands are shaking as I put them on Edward's shoulders. I wonder if he can tell. He puts his hands on my hips and steps a little closer. With each shuffling turn we take, we end up closing the distance between us. I've noticed that Jess and Jake have ended up beside us. I'm expecting something to happen, so when my arm's pulled off of Edward's shoulder, I'm strangely not surprised. Jake's laughing and making faces. For some reason, he thinks he's hilarious. He's the only one. I put my hand back on Edward's shoulder, and Edward moves a little closer. Every time Jake pulls at my arm, Edward ends up closer. On the fourth time, Jess loses her patience, punches Jake's arm, and walks away. I'm pretty sure I heard her call him a jackass.

Once Jake walks away, Edward pulls me to him and bends down so we're cheek to cheek. I pull my head away a little, but Edward doesn't move. I'm worried about spies. Apparently, he isn't. By the time the song ends, our faces are touching again. I'm such a nervous mess that I practically leap out of Edward's arms at the end of the song and move back to the tables. Jess is standing there, ready to pounce.

"Edward, do you want to dance?"

He shrugs and then follows her back to the dance floor. I'm left with Jake. "Come on." He pulls on my arm one more time.

I want to tell him where to go, but I also want to spy on Edward and Jess, so I follow Jake to the dance floor. He doesn't bother Jess the way he was pestering me, and I'm not sure if it's because he learned his lesson or if he was trying to accomplish something before.

I keep Jake at an arm's distance.

I'm happy to see Edward does the same with Jess.

* * *

We're all sitting around the table. The dance is nearly over, but no one's quite ready to go, not when there's the potential for more slow dancing. I immediately recognize the chords to the song that's just started playing. "November Rain." I know this is Edward's favorite song.

 _If he asks me to dance to this, then he likes me_. No sooner have I thought it than Edward's in front of me. He says nothing but extends his hand.

I take it to stand up, and he doesn't let go.

"Bastard!" Garrett claps Edward on the back. "I was just going to ask her!"

"Too bad. I've got her." Edward lets go of my hand to sling his arm over my shoulder. He starts walking, and I put my arm around his waist. We make it to the edge of the dance floor before he swings me around and pulls me so close that my face is pressed into his chest. He bends his lanky frame over so his head's on my shoulder. I'm sure we look super awkward, but I'm in heaven.

He's rubbing my back gently, and just when I'm thinking this can't get any better, he turns his head and I feel his lips on my bare shoulder.

 _Is that a kiss?_

 _Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!_

His lips linger for a second before he turns his head into my neck and pulls me even closer. I need to adjust my arms, and I decide to be as bold as he's being. I keep one arm over his shoulder, but I slowly let my other one drop down to his chest. I leisurely drag my hand down to his waist and then around to his back, hooking my thumb into his belt loop. He responds by moving his hands into my jean pockets.

Edward's holding me so tight that my back is bending backwards. This song seems to be crazy long, and by the guitar solo, he needs to straighten up. He says something to me as he stands, but I can't understand what he's said at all. He keeps his hands in my pockets and rests his cheek against mine. The corners of our mouths are touching.

Every now and then, I feel Edward's lips move, but I still can't understand what he's saying.

This night can't get any better.

* * *

I'm pretty surprised when I hear my phone ring. It's after one in the morning, and I should be sleeping, but I'm reliving the night over and over again.

I don't even bother to check the caller ID. I pick the phone up before the first ring ends. I can't risk Charlie hearing it. We're fully in the rage stage, and things that weren't an issue before are going to become issues now.

"Hello?"

"Hey." My hand drifts to my shoulder as I hear Edward say my name. I swear I can still feel a tingle on the place he may have kissed. "It's not too late, is it? I was just tossing and turning, and thought I'd give you a call."

"No. It's not too late at all."

We talk about nothing for a few minutes. I'm working up the courage to ask him about Tanya, about what maybe happened between us tonight.

"Soooo..." He hesitates by dragging the word out. "I got rid of my woman."


	14. Tear In Your Hand

**I know this is a wee late, and I'm behind on my review replies. September is a busy time of year... Thanks for all the birthday wishes this week!**

 **Once again, my eternal love and devotion to Sri, Nic and Iris. Even when I hurt them, they stick with me.**

* * *

"Tear In Your Hand" - Tori Amos

...All the world is dangling

dangling… dangling for me, darling

You don't know the power that you have

With that tear in your hand

February 21

I wake up in the morning to the obnoxious beeping of the dial tone. I must've fallen asleep on the phone with Edward.

He broke up with Tanya!

Of course I was a sympathetic friend, asking him if he's all right. I wonder if he could tell I was dancing around my room while he told me he was more than all right?

We stopped talking about Tanya pretty quickly and went back to safe topics, like what we're listening to. I don't know what to expect next. I think he likes me. Is he going to ask me out?

I make it through a long Sunday shift. It's hard to think about Edward when the bakery's so busy, but it's so hard to not think about him.

I hurry into the house and right past Charlie.

"And just where do you think you're going, young lady?" I'm desperate to get upstairs to check for messages, so I'm not as careful with him as I need to be.

"My room." I roll my eyes and keep going.

"You think you can roll your eyes at me? Just who the fuck do you think you are?" It's not quite a scream, but he's on the cusp of losing it.

I freeze on the stairs. Sometimes staying still and quiet makes this go a lot faster.

"I said, 'Who the fuck do you think you are?'"

I turn around, debating which way to handle this when I see my mom's puffy eyes behind Charlie. She shakes her head at me in warning.

I still don't answer. There isn't a right answer to this.

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, you're sorry? And just what do you think you're sorry for?"

"For rolling my eyes." I _try_ to keep my voice even and my eyes down. I don't want a fight today. I want this to be over.

"Do you see that, Renee? Do you see that? That ungrateful bitch doesn't appreciate a goddamn thing we do for her." Apparently, he does want a fight.

"I'm sure she does. Come on, Charlie. Let's go out to dinner. You just need to relax. It's been a long day." She reaches out her hand to take him with her, but he just turns on her.

"Don't tell me what I need!" And he's lost it. He swings round at Renee, backing her into the wall.

It's her wincing that sends me into action. I fly down the stairs and get between them.

"I said I'm sorry! I was at work. Leave her alone!"

"Bella…" She's pulling me away from him. "Bella, just go upstairs. Please. Just go upstairs and let me handle this."

This is the game. He baits me, I snap, and she fixes it. Somehow, he always wins.

"Bella, please." She's pushing me now. I give up, because I know being downstairs won't make anything any better.

"I'm telling you, Renee. One day… One day, you're going to have to choose between us!" He shouts at her as I run up the stairs. I close my door to drown him out. Now the waiting game begins.

It's not long before Renee's sitting on the edge of my bed, apologizing for Charlie.

"He's had a really hard day. Don't let him get to you. You know he doesn't mean anything he says when he's like this. Just let me deal with him." It's almost a script by now. "We're going out for dinner." Then, she gives me a crumpled twenty-dollar bill. It's crumpled, because she's stuffed it in her hand to hide what she's doing from him. "When we're gone, go out and get something."

I look at my mom, sitting so defeated on the edge of the bed, and I know I never want to be her. I love her so much, but I don't ever want to be her.

* * *

Jake's talking over the song he's trying to get me to listen to when I shut off the engine.

"Hey! It wasn't even at the bridge. You need to hear what he does with the drums−"

"You said you wanted to go to Strange Angels. We're here." I gesture across the street. Parking's pretty easy on a snowy Sunday night. I'm not in the greatest of moods. I was hoping when Jake asked me if I wanted to go out that it wasn't just going to be the two of us. Now that Edward's free, I was really hoping he'd join us. What happened to them being joined at the hip? Jake called as mom and Charlie were leaving, and I was eager to get out of the house. There's no point in sitting around and fretting about what's to come. It's never just once with Charlie. We've got a while of him exploding before things settle down. I may need to pick up more shifts.

Or get a boyfriend.

Something to get me out of the house as much as possible.

Jake holds the door open for me. The place is dead, so we end up in the window seat that faces the street. Winter has passed the point of being pretty, and now it's just the eternal shit storm of grey slush. Watching the snow glisten in the Christmas lights that light the patio, whether or not it's in season, reminds me of the early days of this Edward infatuation. I sigh audibly.

"Are you okay?" Jake puts down his menu. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now." My head still hurts from crying this afternoon. I feel like I'm on the edge of something, like I'm just dangling there, but I don't know what it is.

The waitress comes and takes our order. I stick with tea, and Jake gets something cake-like and two spoons.

"I've got to tell you something." Jake blurts out to me as soon as she's walked away.

"You do?" I pull my attention from the window to look at Jake. Now that I'm really looking at him, I see how fidgety he is. Like he's nervous.

"Um… I don't really know how to say this…" Jakes looks out my window, and then reaches over and grabs my hand. I feel the chill as the door opens behind me, but I ignore it. Jake has my full attention now. I feel my stomach drop as he leans forward. "The reason I brought you here is because they have a notice board by the bathroom. There's a flyer up for group counselling for survivors of sexual assault." He squeezes my hand as he sits back, but he doesn't let go.

I'm so touched. And I feel so guilty. I thought he was going to tell me he has feelings for me, but he's really just being a great friend. I don't want to go to counselling, but I feel like I owe it to Jake to at least get the number. "Okay. I'll go check it out." I let go of his hand and sling my bag over my shoulder. When I turn around, I'm surprised to see Ben and Angela sitting a few tables behind us.

"Oh, hey, guys!" I exclaim before I notice they're trying very hard to not look at me. Odd.

"Hi, Bella!" Angela answers, finally looking my way. Things look tense at the table. They aren't their usual lovey-dovey selves. I hope everything's all right.

"I was just going to the bathroom. Do you want to come?" I figure it will give her a chance to talk about whatever's going on between the two of them, and it gives me a reason not to look at the flyer.

"No. I'm good. Thanks." I feel like Angela's dismissed me, so I head off alone.

When I get back to the table, crisis center number folded and in my wallet, Jake has his jacket on and there's a takeout bag on the table. "I, uh, asked if we could get it to go." He nods toward Ben and Angela, and makes a little face. He's obviously noticed something's up between them, too. I'm not even surprised when he helps me put my jacket on. He's such a nice guy.

* * *

February 24

There's a countdown in my head. I said I'd give him 'til March. They've broken up. He hasn't called me since the night he told me. Is a week enough time? It should be, if he dumped her to be with me, right?

Of course, I could call him. I pick up the phone while I'm still feeling brave and start dialing. I'm still pressing buttons when I hear a voice come through the receiver.

"Sorry. Hello?" But instead of a voice back, I'm now on the receiving end of buttons mashing, which is followed by a laugh.

I know this laugh. I love this laugh.

"Is this how we're communicating now? Through code?"

"If you must know, I was dialing your number." I try to make my voice sultry. I hope he gets what I'm doing. I hope he doesn't think I have a cold.

"Well, then. You know what they say: great minds and all that…" I think he gets it, because his voice is doing the same thing. And it's doing things to me. "Has anyone ever told you that you have a sexy voice?"

"Sexy? Uh… No." And it's gone. I'm back to being so uncool.

"It is. It's very soothing. Why do you think I call you so late at night? I love listening to your voice before I go to sleep. It gives me sweet dreams."

"Well, then… What do you want to talk about?"

* * *

February 25

Staying on the phone until 3:00 a.m. is catching up to me, especially after a quiet shift at the bakery. I spent some time seriously considering curling up in the back room. We were so dead that I don't think anyone would've noticed.

I can hear Charlie's loud snores from the couch as soon as I come in. It's not even 11:00 and the two of them are passed out. I hate how he drags her through hell with him.

Edward's number shows up on my call log, but he hasn't left a message. It's too late to call him back, so I resign myself to getting caught up on my sleep.

* * *

February 26

When I get home from work tonight, Edward's number has shown up on my log again, but this time, there are messages. All of them are from Jake. Once again, it's too late to call them back, but tonight, I put my stereo on and wait. I have a feeling they'll call again.

My suspicions are confirmed an hour later. It's Edward's number but Jake's voice. I'm disappointed, because it probably means he's sleeping over, which means I won't get a chance to say much to Edward.

Jake's off tonight. He keeps bouncing around in the conversation. I get the feeling he isn't even listening to half of what I'm saying. I'm about to say goodnight when he asks Edward to go make some popcorn.

"It sounds like you guys have lots of video games to get to, so I'll−"

"Bella, listen. There's something I need to tell you." Jake cuts me off. It's the same thing he said last week. I doubt he's going to point out a flyer, and that sinking feeling is back.

"I haven't called them, yet." I'm pretty sure he isn't talking about the counselling, but I don't want him to say what I'm suddenly so frightened he's going to.

"I've been trying to tell you this for a while now. Oh, man... I don't know how to say this."

I should tell him to stop talking. I should. I don't.

"Okay, so… Here it goes. I wrote you a song."

Is that it? I thought it was going to be something a little more… Wait a second. "What's the song about?"

"It's called 'Girl on a String.' Oh, man. So, it's about this girl I know, who likes this friend of mine, and he's just got her on a string, and she can't see how much I like her."

"Oh." He doesn't need to give names. I know exactly who he's talking about.

"Shit, Bells. I'm so sorry. I've wrecked our friendship. I'm so sorry."

"It's all right, Jake." I feel really bad right now. "But I'm going to let you go. I'm… uh… I'm really tired."

"Okay, Bella. But we'll talk about this later?"

"Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah. No problem." I stumble through my way-to-fake-a-casual goodbye.

Even though it's the middle of the night, I quickly change into my running gear to tear through my neighborhood. I need there to be a reason for this feeling, like I can't breathe right now.

* * *

February 28th

It's the end of February. This was the deadline. He hasn't asked me out, but we've made plans to see a play together at the end of the week.

Okay. It's a school play.

And a bunch of us are probably going together.

But it's something. Maybe?

If we sit together, if it feels like a date… Then maybe I'll make a move.

I've kind of ignored Jake since our last conversation. Well, it's not ignoring him if he's left me alone, right?

Right now, Edward and I are listening to the _Aladdin_ soundtrack again. I think we may have a thing.

"Do you miss Tanya?"

 _Holy fuck, Bella. What was that?!_

"That's a nope." Edward laughs a little.

"Are you sure?"

 _Why can't I stop?_

"Absolutely." Edward pauses, and I manage not to fill the silence with another Tanya bomb. "Is there anyone you're hung up on? What about that guy at your work who always wears the spandex?"

I laugh, because I know exactly who he's talking about. "Owen? Well, he does have those great cycling legs…"

"You know, Bella. I find you really intimidating sometimes."

What? That came from nowhere.

"Intimidating?"

"Yeah. Hey, so what's your favorite accent?"

My favorite accent? This conversation's giving me whiplash, but I decide to play along.

"British. Definitely British. But not London. Liverpool, like Paul McCartney."

"Paul McCartney? Well, guess I've got some travelling to do to figure that out."

I wonder if travelling will help me figure Edward out.

* * *

March 5

I haven't spoken to Jake or Edward all week. As I figured, going to see the play evolved into a bunch of us going. It's Garrett's big debut. Four years, and he's finally landed the lead role. There's no way we wouldn't be here for him; although, our support has also involved a lot of jokes about jazz hands in gang fights.

When Alice and I get there, we're the last to arrive. She slips off, hoping to walk in close enough with Tyler that they end up sitting together. I notice Edward seems to be hanging back, and we end up falling in step together. He doesn't say anything but gives me shoulder a little bump with his. I look at him, and he has that same sheepish expression he had when he did that in Jess' basement. I hope he isn't expecting to wrestle here.

Oh, who am I fooling? I'd totally do it.

"So, are you two, like, dating now?" My little moment of bliss is interrupted by Lauren. _Of course_.

"What? Me and Bella? No."

And there it is. It's so matter of fact. It's like he never even contemplated it.

* * *

March 6

I'm sitting in McDonald's with Ben, waiting for Jake to get changed. He called me and asked me to pick the both of them up after their shift. I think he guessed I'd say no if it were just him.

I've just caught Ben up with what Edward said to Lauren last night. I don't know why I'm dumping this all on him. He's gone from being a big Bella-Edward cheerleader to being downright cold to me.

"You know what, Bella? I think I was wrong. I don't think Edward wants a girlfriend for a really long time. I think he's been burned just a little too much, you know?"

I don't. What happened between him and Tanya? And what happened between me and Ben?

"Jake," Ben calls across the restaurant. It's just past midnight and empty. "Let's go!"

* * *

Jake asked me to stop at Ben's again. I expected them both to get out, but we've been here chatting for an hour. So far, _it_ hasn't come up.

So of course, I'm the one to inevitably bring us there.

"So, Ben just said something about Edward−"

"Really, Bella? You're going to bring him up? After what I told you?" He looks at me like I just punched his cat.

"Oh. I didn't really think you meant it. Or you'd be over it by now. Come on. Weren't you dating Kate a week and a half ago?"

"Jesus, Bella!" He whips his hat off his head, and it bounces off my windshield. "Can't you see I'm in love with you?"

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. He wipes at his cheek, and I see now it's a tear he's trying to hide.

"Come on. Get out of the car." I don't know exactly what getting out of the car will accomplish, but seeing him like this is ripping me up.

We're standing in my headlights looking at each other.

He looks so broken, and it's absolutely killing me that I've done this to him. "Come here. Let me give you a hug."

He steps toward me, and I hold him for a second.

His girl on a string.

He pulls back a little.

"Jake?" I whisper.

"Yeah?"

I don't answer.

I lean forward.

I snap the string.

I kiss him.

And when it's done, I feel like I've just gone all in on a poker game and no one's explained the rules.

Jake doesn't notice. He's beaming.

He initiates the second kiss.

* * *

March 19

I've asked Jake to keep our dating a secret. I told him it was so I had a chance to talk to Emily, but it was really to give me time.

And now I've had time. After school today, I told Emily I was going to start seeing Jake, and she was totally cool with it. So here we are, making our debut as a couple.

We enter Edward's basement holding hands.

In the craziness our arrival causes, between the girly squeals of 'I knew it!' and 'Way to go, man'' from the guys, I notice Edward heads upstairs.

Jake's let go of my hand in all of the excitement, and I slip away and upstairs. On a hunch, I head outside. Edward's sitting there. He says nothing, and I sit down beside him.

It's the second time this month I've sat with a boy while he's cried.

I don't know what to do or say, so I sit there a minute more and then head back inside.

* * *

Edward said nothing to me all night, so when his name shows up on my call display, I'm surprised. I assumed he knew about Jake, because the calls stopped after the play.

He's very casual in the conversation, like I didn't sit with him a few hours ago while he cried.

I want to call him out on it. I want to call him out on it all. The way he led me on for months. The way he acted like Tanya was nothing to him.

"You must really miss her."

"Who?"

"Tanya."

"No. Why do you think that?"

"You…" I don't know if I should point out the tears. "You just seemed pretty upset tonight."

"You thought I was crying about Tanya? No, Bella. I've only ever cried over one girl before, and it's not Tanya."

"Oh." That sinking feeling returns to my stomach, like the night I kissed Jake.

Like this is the end of that poker game I don't know the rules to. This is where I find out who held the winning cards.

"Who's the girl you were crying over?"

Edward's laugh is bitter, not the one I grew to love. "You know who, Bella."

"I do?"

"Bella, it's you."

I've made a huge mistake. I can't fix this. I've made my bed and all that. And who does he think he is? Now that I'm dating someone, he finally comes clean about his feelings? What kind of fucking game is he playing?

"I should go now, Edward. I don't think you should call me anymore."

* * *

 **So, I know you hate me right now. As Nic would say #trust.**

 **Bonus Song:**

"Bad Timing" - Blue Rodeo

I never meant to make you cry

And though I know I shouldn't call

It just reminds us of the cost

Of everything we've lost

Bad timing that's all

And maybe soon there'll come a day

When no more tears will fall

We each forgive a little bit

And we both look back on it

It's just bad timing that's all


	15. Part One Epilogue If

**I've loved reading your responses to the last chapter, they've been wonderfully all over the place in terms of who's at fault.**

 **This is the epilogue for part 1, "If..." (Note the date). We're about to make a big time jump for part 2, "This..."**

 **Thanks Sri, Nic and of course Iris. You challenge and support me and I'm eternally thankful.**

* * *

April 2, 1994

A year.

A fucking year.

I gave him a fucking year, and this is where I am, running from the bar. Because he's not just brought her, but she's the lead singer in his fucking band.

"I'm going to puke." I stop and bend over, and Alice grabs my hair just in time. I puke and puke until I'm dry-heaving and crying, and I'm on my knees, and I don't even know how I got here. "We broke up eleven days ago. How?" I sob, but I know. I flash back to all the calls lately, to the 'That was no one' responses, and the times I couldn't get a hold of him and no one could meet my eyes.

"Don't let him do this to you. You're worth so much more than this. He was never worth you."

I start to cry harder, because I feel like nothing. I'm so nothing.

"Don't let him make you feel like this," Alice coos as she rubs my back.

That's good advice. I'm never going to let anyone make me feel like this again.

I stand up, wrap my arms over my stomach, and squeeze, as though I could put myself back together in one simple gesture. Alice waits with me until the tears stop.

"Do you want to go home?"

"No fucking way. Jake isn't going to see me defeated. I'm going to walk in there with my head held high. Fuck him. Fuck her." I squeeze myself even tighter, because I know he's fucking her now.

"Okay, honey. If you're sure." She gives me a big hug, trapping my arms between us. She stands back and looks at me. "Let's get you cleaned up a little first before we go back in there." Alice takes my hand and leads me to the donut shop across the street from The Ambassador, the bar that hosts the All Ages Night upstairs every Friday. The bar I stupidly came to in order to see Jake's band debut.

I let Alice wash my face and fix my makeup. I'm so glad she's home from her first year away.

"I've missed you." She stops what she's doing. She knows I don't just mean because she's been away. Alice and Jake not getting along was too much for me, and I chose wrong.

I always choose wrong.

"You, too. Now let's go show that fucker he didn't break you."

I keep hold of Alice's hand as we march back across the road and into the bar. I keep it together while I don't pay attention to their set at all. His parents are there, and they're both so nice to me that I nearly fall apart again.

"I'm so sorry." His mother hugs me. It's like we're at a funeral.

I guess we are. Here lies the relationship of Jake and Bella. RIP.

I hug her back, and then I excuse myself. Their set's just finished, and I don't want to see them together. I don't want to be here anymore. The fire escape door's been propped open, and I slip outside and close it behind me. I sink down onto the stairs, lean my head against the wall, and let the tears fall. I don't move when I hear the door open behind me. I assume it's Alice.

So I'm surprised to see long legs stretch out in front of me.

I don't even bother to wipe my tears as I turn to look, my suspicions confirmed. It's Edward. I don't remember the last time we've actually spoken to each other, despite the fact he's my boyfriend's − ex-boyfriend's − best friend and bandmate.

I don't say anything now. I just return my head to the wall and let the tears silently fall.

Edward says nothing and, after a few minutes, stands up. He doesn't leave right away. He lingers a few moments more before I hear the door open. The noise from the bar fades as the door closes behind him.


	16. Prologue This

**Thank you so much for your patience! Real life has been kicking my ass and taking all of my emotional and creative energy. If I did post during this time it would've just looked like this:**

 **bv gnhbhjnmhunmhjimnjhgyjbnhbgnhgyjubjhujknmu nb gbvhgbb vnbhvgnb**

 **^that's me hitting my head against the keyboard. That's pretty much what I spent a lot of time doing.**

 **Today's post is a wee one. A short prologue to the the second part of the story: _This_. (Part One was _If_. Guess what the final section is called). There's a time jump and a change in POV (but fear not, we'll be back to Bella with the next chapter).**

 **Thanks to The Lemonade Stand for their continued support. Thanks to Karen Twilightladies, author of _I Do... Maybe_ for recommending this story. You're probably all ready reading her because she is awesome, but if not, go do that now!**

 **A MASSIVE thank you to those of you who nominated me for 8 (!) Twi Fic Fandom awards. They are the love child of my fantastic beta and such a positive thing in this fandom. Go and vote for the stories, authors, betas, pre-readers, promotors, etc that make this fandom great!**

 **Much love to my team: Nic and Sri, who read this first and where a huge support when I was struggling. And to Iris. Where would I be without you girl? (Lost, but also frolicking in the Ocean hoping beyond hope to hug you! xox)**

* * *

*Brie's point of view. Who's that? You're about to find out.*

July 1, 2007

So _this_ is the woman my maybe-fiancé's in love with. Only he doesn't know it, yet. I can see it in his smile. He stood a little straighter when she came by. He isn't aware enough to correct himself when she's near.

I'm being paranoid.

I watch him. His eyes don't linger when she walks away. He turns to me and resumes our conversation. Their chat was brief, and she held someone's hand almost the entire time, only letting go once to make an emphatic point about something. I wasn't really listening. I was smiling and nodding and watching, looking for something in her, in him. There was nothing obvious, but I know. Even if they don't.

I'm probably being paranoid. The guy she was with was hot − all buff and already tanned. He looks like he lives outside. Scruff you want to run your fingers over and scratch at your thighs. A real manly man. Not that my Edward isn't hot. He is. Well, he's pretty. And he's fit, too, but he's thin and toned. He rides his bike all over Montreal, and it shows. But he doesn't look like he could break a tree in half. If Bella likes brawn, then she isn't looking twice at Edward.

I can see their seats from ours. They're on the third-base line, and we're on the first. I can't tell if he's noticed. There's nothing different in the way he's watching the game, but there's something different about him… I can't name it. It's all instinct at this point. In the middle of the seventh, she gets up from her seat. His knee starts to bounce, and I start to count. I get to 48 before he stands up. He tells me he's going to take a leak. I nod. Do I follow? Are they meeting? I watch. He disappears from the stands as she returns to her seat, two beers in hand.

I'm being paranoid.

I need to let this go.

Edward would never cheat on me.

I guess it's just my guilty conscience getting to me.


	17. We're Going to be Friends

**Twice in the same week!**

 **It's really great to be back at this story, thank to all of you for sticking with me. We're at the point in the story where this veers into pure fantasy. The characters in part one ("If") were ripped from my formative years, but these guys grew up into their own people.**

 **Thanks to my amazing team, Nic, Sri, and Iris. This story wouldn't be here without them.**

* * *

 **"We're Going to be Friends"**

 **-The White Stripes**

 _Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed_

 _when silly thoughts go through my head_

 _about the bugs and alphabet_

 _and when I wake tomorrow I'll bet_

 _that you and I will walk together_ _again_

 _I can tell that we are gonna be friends_

 _Yes I can tell that we are gonna be friends._

.

May 7, 2006

I have to get up.

Ten more minutes.

I can already hear Jeremy getting ready in the bathroom.

I have to get up.

Maybe if I open my eyes, this thing will happen for me.

Nope.

"Jesus, Bella. You've hit the alarm three times already. This is your fucking run. Get up."

"Why did I do this?" I whine as I pull on the covers Jeremy has pulled from me. He's laughing as he pulls them again.

"Because you're kind of amazing. Now get the fuck up and show everyone else."

"I _am_ pretty awesome, but I'm not a morning person. I should've organized a night run, not this..." I trail off to check the display on my alarm clock in the pitch black room. "Oh, God. 5:15. This is nonsense."

"Yeah. You're used to 5:00 a.m. from the other side."

Jeremy flicks the lights on, and I squeal and pull the pillow over my head. But he's right. I sigh and throw the pillow at him.

"I don't know how you do this every day." I'm still complaining, but I'm up and moving now.

Jeremy and I keep nearly opposite hours. It's probably why we're still together. Jeremy says nothing as I walk by him. He knows not to bother talking to me before dawn.

Why, oh why, did I think I could pull off this early morning run?

* * *

It was actually pretty amazing.

I feel high, as though I've actually run the race. I can't believe I pulled this off.

"Bella, honey, thank you for everything you've done. This was phenomenal. Truly." Board member Elizabeth Platt hugs me again. We're having a celebratory lunch at my partner-in-crime's house, and I think some of us have done more celebrating than others. Rose walks over to us and fills Elizabeth's glass one more time. I'm relieved I haven't had a chance to have my first glass.

"Bella's a queen." Rose puts her arm around me. "She needs to keep hearing how awesome she is; she doesn't believe anyone."

"Nope. I'm actually feeling it right now." I pat Rose's hand, but this only encourages her.

"Dude! You doubled our fundraising goal! For the year. In a single event." Rose kisses my cheek, and I laugh. I love her. We met our first year of college in a group counseling session. She's been with me through my darkest days. The absolute least I could do was use my corporate connections to help her raise money for the abused women and children she works with everyday.

"I already have ideas for things we can improve for next year."

"See? She's amazing." Rose is back to singing my praises to Elizabeth before turning back to me. "Now we just need to find you an amazing boyfriend."

And this is how I know Rose has had enough to drink. She doesn't hate Jeremy; she just doesn't get why we're together. And I get that. She was with me in the beginning of the relationship, when I was never sure if I'd agree to another date.

But then my mom got sick, and he was a rock. Renee's life of self-neglect meant she missed a lot of early warning signs. Skin cancer was supposed to be the cancer you wanted, but by the time it was caught, it had metastasized to her brain and there wasn't much we could do. It didn't take Charlie long to realize he was free. My mom had been dead for a couple of weeks when he told me he was selling the house and retiring to Florida. I thought he was joking; he was only 45. Turned out Renee had a pretty good insurance policy. I heard from him for a few Christmases, and then for the longest time, there was nothing. Last year, he sent out a mass email and must not have realized I was included. It was a picture of him holding a newborn baby. He wanted to let everyone know that "the love of my life has just given me the best gift and made this old man a father."

I didn't reply.

I left Charlie's house and moved into Jeremy's. A crisis can turn a relationship that likely would've fizzled into something else. Rose just doesn't get that. She doesn't need to. She met the love of her life on the job, and he's been sweeping her off her feet ever since. Not everybody gets a big, bold love like that.

I'm ignoring Rose as she starts to tell poor Elizabeth about my boring boyfriend. It doesn't take her long to realize she's gone too far. "Oh, who am I to make fun of safe boyfriends? I married a cop, for Christ's sake!"

Elizabeth laughs. "I know he's the same age as my son, so I'm not supposed to say this, but we're very happy you married him. I'm sure you've noticed how many women suddenly appear by your office when Emmett stops by to see you."

Now we're all laughing. It's impossible to stay mad at Rose.

* * *

By midweek, the weekend euphoria's gone and I'm back to coding long into the night. It's nearly midnight when I check my inbox one last time before leaving the office. It's pretty standard as I scroll through. There's a whole bunch of spam I clear out, a couple of work-related things I'll take a look at when I get home… and then an unexpected surprise.

When I see the name in the subject line, I do a double take. I'd like to say my stomach didn't do a double flip, but I'd be lying.

 _Edward Cullen._

Wow. I'm pretty sure he's one of the last names I'd ever expect to see in my mailbox. I have a few bridges I burned at the end of high school, and he was standing on most of them.

Before I open the message, I take a minute to wonder what this could possibly be about. Our once close friendship died when I started dating his best friend. I only have a few memories of any interactions between us once Jacob and I started. There are even less from when we ended. I have a vague memory of him being at Alice's party − uncharacteristically without Jacob − on the night I regrettably sort of hooked up with Jacob's older brother, Paul. He was probably at The Embassy to see the same bands I was seeing, as I spent six months working my way up the lead-guitar ladder until I temporarily committed to the one I knew Jake worshipped. Once that ended − about as quickly as it began, because it turns out neither one of us was actually all that into the other − I quit those boys and that scene for good. The last time I saw Edward, I was with Jeremy. I ran into him at a typical mainstream bar the summer after our first year of college, not the dives I'd given up.

"So that's the guy you're with?" is how he responded to my surprised 'hello.'

So here I am. It's twelve years later, and I'm wondering what he could possibly have to say to me.

I may as well open it.

 _Hi, Bella. Long time no talk. Congrats on organizing the 'most successful single fundraising event in the history of the Women's Community House.' (My mom, Elizabeth Platt, volunteers there. She sent me the_ Free Press _article. She speaks very highly of you. She's also how I have your email address.)_

 _Hope you're well,_

 _Edward Cullen_

Wow.

That was actually pretty cool.

But more importantly, holy fuck! Elizabeth is Edward's mother?

 _Edward,_

 _Hey! Great to hear from you. How've you been? I had no idea Elizabeth was your mother! She's amazing. Crazy to think the woman I spent six months emailing with was the same woman I used to bug when I was looking for her son. I didn't meet her face to face until the actual run on Sunday._

 _So you read the article? I guess that means you know all about me. (I'll catch you up if you didn't: I'm a full-time computer programmer, part-time volunteer planner of awesome, still a resident of The Lesser London because I never managed to escape). Where are you now? What are you doing?_

 _Bella_

I head to the break room to grab the dinner I haven't had yet and throw it in my bag. When I get back to my desk, I realize that not only did I leave my computer on, but I'm still logged into my Gmail. The email has totally thrown me off. It feels so strangely good that he sent me that message. It's been a long time. I wonder if he'll reply… Where's he living now? I remember how furiously jealous I was when I found out he was going to McGill in Montreal. That was my school, my plan of escape.

I'm about to hit the X to close the program when a new message pops up.

Edward Cullen.

And so it begins.


	18. Could We

**Wow! A big thank you to everyone who voted for me in the first round of the Twi Fic Fandom Awards! My complete story _Goodbye Peter Pan_ made it to the second round!**

 **Thanks so much to my team. Nic, Sri, and Iris, you girls are the bomb-diggity.**

 _Could we_

 _Take a walk?_

 _Could we_

 _Have a talk alone_

 _In the afternoon?_

Cat Power - "Could We"

June 23, 2006

Rose and Emmett have a rare, shared weekend off, and we're taking the train to visit Alice and Jasper in Toronto. Taking the train lets the three of us pre-game, so by the time we get to Union Station, we're in the right frame of mind to hit the dance floor.

"I thought Jeremy was going to join us this weekend."

The drink cart has barely passed us when Rose brings up the empty seat beside me.

"He was, but when he found out we're going to Velvet to dance, he changed his mind." That's mostly true. He wouldn't have wanted to come to Velvet, but he also had plans this weekend. I may have waited until I knew that to ask him. Sometimes it's just easier than having to wait for him to come up with an excuse not to go.

"I can't say I'm disappointed." Rose smiles at me. "Now we can hit Queen Street while Jazz and Em get their game on." Rose pauses for a second, obviously thinking over what she's about to say. "It really doesn't bother you that he never comes with us?"

"No. I've told you, Rose. We like our lives the way they are. He has his friends and interests, and I have mine. I wouldn't want to hang out at the gym with his friends, and he doesn't want to go on a bender with mine. We've been together long enough to know this works for us." It's the honest–to-God truth. Jeremy and I enjoy our time together, and we enjoy our time apart. "Now, you guys enjoy _your_ time together." I wave my hand back and forth between her and Em. "I'm going to test my patience with the spotty Wi-Fi and try to get some work done."

I pull my laptop out and figure out how to get connected. I made Rose and Emmett agree to the business class seats; I need to put in time this weekend, and getting things done on the train will free up a lot of actual fun time over the weekend.

I need to go through my email before I can get started on the project that has me working like a dog lately, but it's the email I'm not really expecting that brings a smile to my face.

 _Bella,_

 _I want to say I'm ecstatic about the end of the school year, but that wouldn't be the whole truth. I really love this job. I mean, come on. I get paid to play dodgeball all day._

 _(You know I'm kidding, right? That's not all I do. There are other sports, too. :p)_

 _Have you found out if you got the promotion, yet?_

 _Fingers crossed,_

 _Edward._

Since his first email nearly two months ago, we've exchanged emails weekly, and I'm now caught up on his life. He went to McGill, studying kinesiology and biology, and then he followed it up with a Bachelor of Education. I'd seriously underestimated his smarts when we were back in high school. He's been teaching high school P.E. for the past five years in the English Board in Montreal. He has a girlfriend, who he's been with for about a year.

I glance up over my screen to find Rose staring at me. "Good news?" she questions.

"Just going through my email," I answer nonchalantly.

"You look pretty happy. I thought you'd heard some good news."

* * *

 _This is going to hurt_ , I think to myself before I open an eye. _Ugh_. I don't drink very much anymore, and now I'm remembering why. Luckily, the blinds in Alice's living room are still drawn, so I can batten down on her couch until this passes. I know from spending many weekends in this condition, in this location, that Alice and Jaz won't be up for a few more hours, either. The five of us will head out for an early afternoon brunch and then get ready to go out tonight.

I realize I'm not as bad as I feared when the door slams closed behind Rose and Em. They're sweaty and laughing together. They look like they've come in from a Lululemon photoshoot, not an actual lakeside run.

"How are you two so perfect?" I groan, pulling the pillow off my head and covering my eyes with it. Emmett immediately pulls it away from me and hits me with it. I know I need to get up and fold the blankets for the day. Alice has one couch, and I'm hogging the whole thing.

Before I head upstairs to shower, I make my way over to my laptop, which I left charging by the window. I sit on the floor and open it up.

"Seriously, Bella? Are you going to work all weekend?" Emmett's the one on my case now. He throws the pillow he assaulted me with earlier. I catch it easily and put it behind my back. It's somewhat comfortable, but I don't plan to be here for long.

"I just have to check my email."

I log in to my personal email first, but there's still nothing about the job. I guess that's not entirely unexpected. It _is_ a Saturday, and I just had my first interview on Thursday. I go to close my laptop but hesitate before opening it again. I open up my Gmail. Edward and I exchanged a few emails while I worked on the ride up to Toronto. It's the first time our emails evolved into a conversation.

I'm not entirely surprised to see there's a message from him. I am surprised at the time stamp. 2:32am.

 _Hey! Hope you had a good time tonight._

"Did you get a second interview?"

"Hmm?" Confused, I look to Rose, but then I realize why she's asked. Like yesterday, I'm once again smiling at my computer.

"No, just a funny email," I reply and close my screen.

"Did you forward it?"

"Nah. It's just nerd jokes."

I'm not ready to talk about this emerging friendship, yet.


	19. Flower

**Thanks to my team; Sri, Nic, and Iris. You guys rock my socks off.**

 _Every time I see your face,_

 _I think of things,_

 _Unpure,_

 _Unchaste._

"Flower" − Liz Phair

August 21, 2006

I'm coding with my earphones on and my Gmail open in the background. With Edward away camping, my Gchat's been pretty quiet after regular work hours this week, but it's a habit now to leave it running. I know he's back tonight, but he also told me he'd be getting in late, that I probably wouldn't hear from him until Monday.

So when I hear the little ping telling me I have a message, I'm surprised. It's too late for Rose or Alice on a Sunday night, and Jeremy went to bed an hour ago.

 _Hey. I just got back. What are you doing?_

For a second, I wonder whether he just got back to home in Montreal or home in London.

 _Coding. Why?_

 _I literally walked in the door, unpacked, and now I have a load of laundry in. I'm thinking it's_ Buffy _time. Follow up question: Why the fuck are you working at 11:45 on a Sunday night?_

" _Buffy_ time" is something we started a few weeks ago when we discovered we both owned the complete DVD set. We spend a couple hours a week watching the same episode and chatting about it together.

 _I'm a senior developer now. Promotion, remember? Plus, we're going live with this on Tuesday. The last few days are always crazy. How was Ithaca?_

Edward and 'a bunch of friends' spent the past week camping, hiking, and cycling around the Finger Lakes in New York. It sounded awesome, even if he was needlessly vague about who he was with.

 _Amazing. Hold on. I'll send you a picture. This was from the end of my first century (that's a 100-mile ride. I did two this trip!). Get season two set up while you wait._

Before he left, we'd just finished season one. Last Friday night, we had a four-hour marathon so he could get it done before he went away.

 _Okay, but I only have time for one, and then I have to get back to work._

 _Perfect. I'm bagged anyway. It'll keep me up until it's time to throw my load in the dryer, and then I can crawl into bed. My legs are still dead._

By the time I sit back down, I have a message from Edward with an attachment in my inbox. After I open my beer, I open the email and wait for the attachment to load.

I'm expecting a picture of Edward and his friends, but I'm not prepared for _this_. There's a lot of new information in this single snapshot. I know I'm talking to adult Edward, who just turned 31 at the beginning of the summer, who's both the same and very different from the boy I used to have a crush on. But I still pictured that boy: tall and gangly, a little baby-faced, hair too long and in his eyes. I recognize Edward right away. He's still tall − the tallest one in the group shot − but he's filled out. I can tell just how filled out he is, because he's standing in front of a bike wearing spandex shorts. Oh, man. His legs. There's a voice in my brain screaming, "Abort! Abort!" and begging me to close this picture at once. I'm not completely sure why I'm so into it. Jeremy's a super buff dude, but he may be a little too beefy for me. Edward's slim and strong. You don't want to be too built if you're dragging your body up mountains on a bike, I guess. His face has thinned out, too. He was a cute boy, and time's been pretty good to him. He's handsome. No. Scratch that. He's hot _as fuck_. His hair's short now, and it's the happiest I've ever seen him. I remember him being a little mopey, but he's smiling with obvious pride at what he's just accomplished. There are six others in the picture, and two have bikes. I'm trying to figure out which of the two beautiful women is Brie. I rule out the one holding hands with a guy who has a baby strapped to his chest.

 _Wait a second. I know that guy._

 _Is that Jake?_ I fire off my question before I realize I should probably compliment him on accomplishing something he trained all spring to do.

 _Yeah. Sorry. Didn't think about that before I sent it._

 _Oh, no worries. It's cool you're still friends._ I guess. But I don't add the last part. I'm mostly telling the truth. I was a mess for a while after that break up, and I swore I'd never let anyone make me feel like that again. I look at the picture once more, this time paying a little more attention to Jake. His wife's beautiful; she's shorter than he is and blonde, cute, and curvy. Jake's grown rounder, too, but he looks happy. It's actually pretty cool to realize any hurt feelings are long gone.

 _Actually, we weren't for a while at the end of high school, and then I moved away for school. I thought that was that. Then he started dating my cousin, and we REALLY weren't friends. Things got better when he married her, though._

 _I guess they'd have to,_ I reply. I don't really know what to say about Jake marrying Edward's cousin. I'd really like to know why they weren't friends. I try to look for any family resemblance between Edward and his cousin, but this means I'm just looking closely at Edward again. He looks really good, but I'm not going to tell him that, so I settle on what I should've said from the start. _By the way, congrats on finishing the century!_

 _Thanks. I think I may try a triathlon next summer. Don't tell anyone, though, just in case I change my mind. I don't want people thinking I wimped out, even though I'd totally be wimping out._

 _That's cool. I'd love to do one, but I don't think I could do the open water swim. I'd for sure get kicked unconscious and drown. Also, I'm not sure the dog paddle's an accepted stroke._ I need to change the subject, because I'm now imagining Edward coming out of the water in swim trunks. This is not good. _Is that Brie?_ That question's a nice cold shower.

 _God, no! She doesn't do camping. I don't pay for five star hotels, so we haven't been on a vacation together, yet. We've been together awhile, but it's not very serious. We're just having fun._

Now that I can relate to. _Be careful with that. That's what I thought Jeremy and I were until shit hit the fan and I moved in._ I hesitate before I press send. This friendship works because we are both in committed relationships and there's no chance of an attraction. Now that I've seen that picture of him, I realize an attraction absolutely could develop on my end, and that's not what I want at all. I hit the backspace until my message is gone. _Cool_ , I type. _Now press play. I'm running out of_ Buffy _time._


	20. Young Folks

**Happy Belated Thanksgiving, American readers!**

 **This week, as always, I give thanks to my fantastic team - Nic, Sri and Iris. They are the bestest.**

 _If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be_

 _Would you go along with someone like me_

 _If you knew my story word for word, had all of my history_

 _Would you go along with someone like me_

\- Peter Bjorn and John, "Young Folks"

 **September 4th**

 _Hey. Just a heads up that I may be going dark for a few weeks. Back to school's always madness._

 **September 6th**

 _Hey! Remember in June when I said I wasn't looking forward to summer? Can't wait till June._

 **September 8th**

 _Good job not responding to me. I'd hate to get distracted from all this work I have to do. I'm guessing you're doing actual work and a much better job than I am at being focused on it. Do you think you'll be around this weekend to get an episode of_ Buffy _in? We're nearly at Angelus!_

I didn't mean to ignore Edward, but I really thought the first two messages weren't looking for a response. But now he's called me out on it. _Did_ he call me out on it? I'm feeling a little confused. Maybe even a little chastised… It's weird that I'm struck with a sudden mental image of Edward spanking me. That's not even a thing I'm into. I realize, though, there are currently parts of my body that would disagree with that.

 _I was trying to keep_ you _focused. I'm on my way out for drinks with some office peeps right now, and I'm out with some girlfriends tomorrow night. Are you too exhausted to do late nights, or are you still on summer hours?_

I shut my computer down, because I'm already late and we're out to celebrate September birthdays, mine included. I can't be out too late, anyway. My party's tomorrow night, and I don't want to ruin it by being hungover from tonight.

And I have a few episodes of _Buffy_ to watch.

* * *

I should've known a quick drink after a stressful week would turn into four. The house is dark, which isn't a surprise at all. Jeremy will be up early tomorrow to hit the gym before work, and then he'll be back at the gym before dinner; he can only have cheat days on double workout days. So many women think they want a guy that looks like Jeremy, but I wonder if they'd still think that once they realize how much of his life would be spent obsessing over nutrition and workouts. I come second to his body, and he comes second to my work, so I guess we're even.

I grab a beer, throw the DVD into the player, and fire up my laptop. It's just past eleven, and in the summer, this would be _Buffy_ time. I'm not at all surprised to see an email from Edward asking where I am. The timestamp says it was sent at 11:01. I'm amused by his eagerness. He must be really excited to see Angel turn evil.

 _Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm here, and bonus! Now you get my witty almost-drunk commentary._

His reply's instantaneous.

 _Sweet. I'm pressing play and adding more rye to my Coke. I guess I need to catch up._

I press play and wait for all the "Coming Soon" trailers to finish before I can select episode thirteen.

 _All set to go. Tell me when you're ready._

 _Go_. Once again, his reply's immediate, as is his follow-up.

 _Just how many drinks have you had? I've got the bottle beside me, and I need to know how much to pour. It's been a brutal fucking week_.

 _I'm on my fifth. Get to it._

 _Oh, shit. I've already passed you. Drink up, Swan._

I lift the glass to toast the screen, realize what I'm doing, and stop. That's dumb.

 _What's going on? Difficult class?_

 _No. It's not the class. They kids are great. Just life stuff. No talking. Get watching._

Well, whatever's going on, Edward isn't ready to talk about it, yet.

We get through most of the episode with minimal distraction. We're at the part where Buffy and Angel are not quite kissing and confessing their feelings, and then I'm typing my frustrations.

 _What the fuck was that fade to black? Come on, Joss! Couldn't he give us a little more than a tight shot of kissing (HOT — I'll give him that), but then we just have to assume what happens before Angel wakes up and bolts out the door?!_

 _Okay, pervert. You remember she just turned seventeen, right? You're pissed because you couldn't watch a teenager have sex with an old, dead guy?_

 _Whatever. I'm just saying I'm a little disappointed._

 _Left you all hot and bothered, eh? Want me to let you go so you can wake up the guy to take care of it?_

 _HA! Nah. Once he's out, that's it. I guess I'm on my own._

Oh, fuck. Did I really just send that? I should _not_ be drinking and emailing. Obviously.

 _How long do you need before we watch the next episode? The next one's a real mood killer, so you better get off now._

Gah! I need to change the subject.

 _It's fine, funny guy. I'm good. Just press play for the next episode._

 _Done already? Nice._

Oh, my God. Is Edward really teasing me about masturbating while watching TV and talking to him? He shouldn't be drinking and chatting, either.

 _Just. Press. Play._

 _All right, speedy. Already done. Pressing play that is. I'll need a little more time to catch up to where you are..._

 _Drop it._

I can't stop laughing.

I wonder how much more time he'd need.

* * *

We've both settled down, and the conversation's been pretty minimal in this episode. He was right; it is a mood killer.

 _How good of an allegory is this episode for a teen's fears about sex?_

Edward's question surprises me a little, because it's a good one. It's also one that, if I'm speaking of my experience, has an answer that weirdly involves him.

 _I think that for some girls, it's pretty true. Girls are afraid the guy they went to bed with will turn into a monster in the morning._

I don't know if I should add any more to my answer, because the joking around between the two episodes has calmed down. Maybe this isn't the night to talk about high school.

 _I'm guessing your first time was with Jake, right? Did you have those fears?_

 _No. I was ready. I cared for him, and I thought he cared for me. It was actually really nice._ _It was after Lollapalooza in an old motel._

 _You mean you were giving up your V-card while Mike and I were staying in the room beside you?! How did I not know this?_

He didn't know? I'm oddly proud of Jake for not immediately blabbing about it to his friends. I wonder if Edward knows Jess wasn't as respectful to him a few years later.

 _I think the fact you didn't know is good enough proof he didn't turn into a monster the morning after. We had a good few months. Jake was really good about all my past shit._

 _Your past shit?_

Oh, fuck. I need to be better at filtering.

 _Yeah. It's pretty heavy. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. Don't worry about it._

 _I_ am _worried about it. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?_

I'm trying to decide what to say when another message comes through.

 _This is how you know my mom, isn't it? Jesus, Bella. I had no idea._

I realize he's managed to find out exactly what I wasn't confessing.

 _It's kind of why I know your mom. I started working with the shelter, because I wanted to do something to help women, but I didn't think I could work directly with victims of sexual assault._

 _Before my mum worked at the shelter, she worked with the sexual assault line._

I knew that about Elizabeth, but I'd forgotten. I'm still not ready to talk about this, so I decide to change the subject.

 _Dude, your mom's fucking cool. When did your parents split up? They were together in high school, right?_

 _They're still together… unless you know something I don't?_

 _Nope. No juicy gossip. Her last name, though? She's Platt, and you're Cullen._

I wonder if I'm being too nosy.

 _Like you said, she's just cool. My mom's a kick-ass feminist. She didn't change her name when my parents got married, and in the 1970s, that was pretty ballsy. My last name's actually Platt-Cullen, but I dropped the Platt when I was a dumb teen._

Huh. Well, then. Elizabeth just keeps getting cooler and cooler.

 _Do you think I can be your sister, and then Elizabeth can be my mom?_

 _Is that your way of telling me you don't want to talk about your past?_

 _You already figured it out._

I want to ask if that's his way of avoiding the question I just asked him, but I don't have a chance.

 _I get it. I'm not going to push you. I'm just really sorry you were going through that. I had no idea._

 _Actually._

I type and erase the word three times before I decide to go on.

 _You helped more than you knew. It happened when I was fifteen, and for the longest time, guys creeped me the fuck out. I hated being touched. Then a guy came along and tickled my knee, and I didn't want to puke. He kept pushing the touching, and I kept wanting more of him touching me... You meant a great deal to me in high school, Edward. That massive one-sided crush I had for you helped me get over something pretty big._

I send it before I chicken out. My hands are shaking. I don't know if it's because I'm talking about something that can still surprise me with how raw it can be, or if it's because I've just admitted to Edward I had feelings for him and I'm channeling me at seventeen.

 _You had a crush on me?_

 _Do you have no memories of high school? I was like a little puppy for you._

 _I don't remember a lot, but I don't remember you being like a puppy for me._

 _Do you remember_ me _in high school?_

 _Of course I do._

 _I seriously have no idea how you can remember me but claim to have no clue I was into you. It wasn't a secret._

I realize that maybe he's trying to be nice and brush off his lack of feelings for me as just a thing he can't remember. Maybe I should drop it, too, before I make things awkward.

It may be too late, because the quick back and forth has stopped. I'm trying to think of what to say to get back to our easy conversation when I get his message.

 _You were Jake's girl._

 _I'm not talking about when I was dating Jake. I mean before that._

 _I remember, but you were always Jake's girl to me._

What does that mean?

 _What does that mean?_

I have to wait a little before he replies.

 _I just mean that you were always his girl, even before it was all official. I always saw you as his girl._

That's not true. I don't know if he's deliberately lying right now or just remembering wrong.

 _I remember things differently. If you only saw me as your friend's girl, you were pretty flirty._

Again, I have to wait a little before I get his response.

 _I guess it's my turn to confess. I didn't want you to be Jake's girl, but he laid claim to you before I told him how I felt about you. The way I was with you caused problems between us. In the end, we decided we'd let you choose. You chose him._

Ouch. Things could've been so different. Any positive feelings I just developed for Jake quickly evaporate. I realize I was played in a major way. I'm trying to figure out who I'm pissed at when Edward sends me another message.

 _I guess it's for the best._

I don't agree with Edward's follow-up.

 _How do you figure?_

 _You still talk to Jake?_

 _No._

 _See? This is so much better than me doing something stupid when I was seventeen and you never talking to me again. You may not remember this, but I was a pretty awful boyfriend._

Oh, I remember, but I don't type it.

 _You weren't ideal, no. None of us ever met Tanya until you brought her to grad._

 _I_ sucked _. I just didn't know how to be a good boyfriend, and I wasn't even interested in her. She was just there. I was just there. We did nothing together. We didn't talk, and we barely hung out. Nothing more than kissing. We deserved each other_.

 _Is that why you guys got back together? Better the devil you know?_

 _Something like that. I took a chance on someone else. It didn't work out, so I went back to a sure thing. Not a sure thing like "I'm getting laid" sure thing. Just someone I knew who wasn't going to reject me… Long after Tanya and I broke up, it was still a while before I was ready to have sex, and it ended up being a big regret, anyway. Immediately after, I had that feeling like I just put all my chips in and all I had were Jokers… Does that work? Do you use Jokers in poker? I know a Joker poked her._

And now I'm laughing again.

 _That's terrible. How did you even type that last sentence without dying?_

He's said a lot before ending it in jokes. I want to go back and ask him more, but not right now. He's neatly steered me away from that. We watch one more episode of _Buffy_ before calling it a night.

 **September 13th**

I wake up early with Jeremy, and we go for a run together. It's his version of breakfast in bed for my birthday. I'm suddenly struck with how much I actually hate that we do almost nothing together.

"Do you want to go on a date tonight? Dinner out for my birthday?" I ask him as I strip off my sweaty shirt.

"Come on, babe. We went out for dinner on Saturday with all your friends. I can't have another cheat day this week. A date sounds good, though. Want to go the gym with me?" He pokes my belly. "It'll do you good. With the way you've been skipping the gym lately, you could do with skipping a few birthday celebrations." He laughs and steps into the shower.

I know he's joking, but for a moment, I hate him. I say nothing, but I don't join him in the shower like he's expecting, either. I walk into my home office and check my email instead. I'm supposed to be meeting Rose for lunch, and she told me she was inviting Elizabeth. I'm curious if she'll be there. And nervous. I haven't really talked to Rose about Edward, yet, and while I'm sure he hasn't said anything to his mom, I think I should double check before Rose ends up finding out at the table and accidentally puts her foot in her mouth.

I already have an email from Edward. The time stamp says he sent it at 6:40 a.m. I'm not sure this guy sleeps.

 _Hey. I know I don't remember much from high school, but I think I'm remembering that it's your birthday today. Am I right?_

And in a simple question, Edward's just let me know he really was paying attention in high school. Because he never celebrated a birthday with me.


	21. Steady as She Goes

**I know this has been a long time coming. Unfortunately, my real like has some things going on in it that have to take precedence right now. I'm working on the next chapter already, so it shouldn't be as long. Trust me, I'd way rather be back to weekly updates too. Thanks for your understanding and patience!**

 **Thanks to my amazing team: My pre-readers Nic and Sri, and of course my wonderful beta, Iris.**

 **Nic and Carrie has JUST opened a new must read contest,** ** _Control. Possess. Seduce._** **Check it out!**

 _Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)  
So steady as she goes (steady as she goes)  
Well here we go again, you've found yourself a friend that knows you well  
But no matter what you do, it always feels as though you tripped and fell  
So steady as she goes  
Steady as she goes_

 _Settle for a girl neither up or down  
Sell it to the crowd that's gathered round  
Settle for a girl neither up or down  
Sell it to the crowd that's gathered round_

"Steady As She Goes" – The Raconteurs

I haven't had a chance to email Rose or Edward back. This morning's slight girly-swoons over Edward remembering my birthday quickly dissipated when I read Rose's. Along with the details of the reservation, she noted Elizabeth would be joining us for lunch. She assured me this isn't a birthday lunch, but we can use the opportunity to start planning next year's race. I'm thinking it's likely she told Elizabeth it's my birthday, which means Edward probably didn't remember my birthday so much as his mom let it slip. For the first time since we've reconnected, I question Edward's motives.

I get to the restaurant early, but Rose is already there. She jumps up when she sees me and wraps me in a hug. "I'm so glad you're here. I know you hate the ongoing birthday celebrations, but I have a little something for you. Quick! Open it before Elizabeth gets here!"

She thrusts a package toward me as I sit down.

"What's the hurry?" I laugh as I pick up the bag.

"I don't want to embarrass you, since this is lunch meeting and not technically a birthday lunch. And also—"

"Oh, my God, Rose!" I drop her gift back in the moment I clue in to what she's given me. I could tell the moment I wrapped — or rather, almost wrapped — my hand around it. I peek in the bag just to make sure. Yep. "Sometimes I question why we're even friends." But I'm laughing, so she knows I'm all talk.

"You love me, and you also love sex."

I try my hardest to get it together. "One of those is true. I only tolerate you. I absolutely adore sex."

"And I know you aren't getting any right now."

"Wait. What? How do you know that?"

"Oh, honey," She puts her hand on my knee in comfort. "Do you not remember spending a great deal of time complaining about the lack of action in your life to me and Alice Saturday night?"

Clearly, I don't. Jeremy and I have conflicting schedules, and that's bled into the bedroom.

"It's just a dry spell. I'm not sure I need this guy just yet." I peek back in the bag. It's not nearly as offensive as I feared.

"I don't need to go all therapist on you, do I? There's nothing wrong with a little self love."

"Don't worry about that, Rose. I freaking love myself all the time these days." I'm still laughing, but then I look at Rose to see she's turned serious on me. "What?"

"I don't want to ask why you're with him… but have you ever thought about _not_ being with him?"

"Rose." I sigh. I've thought about not being with him. The truth is that I have amazing friends, but they have families of their own. I'm on my own in the world, and the weight of that is crushing. Jeremy may not be the perfect partner, but he's a partner. While I have thought about it, I don't want to get into it with Rose right now. "Self love is great and all, but what about when I just need a good fuck?"

"Oh, I think I'm a drink or two behind for this conversation, but give me ten minutes and I'll catch up."

While laughing at me, Rose stands to greet Elizabeth, who's now standing behind my chair. Of course she is. Of fucking course she was standing behind me while I was at my crassest. This is a woman I admire and respect, and she came in at _that_ point of the conversation. I stuff the gift bag from Rose into my purse before I stand to welcome her. "I'm so sorry, Elizabeth. Rose brings out the worst in me."

"Have you seen my husband, darling? Trust me. I know the value of a good fuck."

"I need to introduce you to the office douche. He's always telling me feminists hate men." These are the words my mouth says, but in my head, I'm realizing this is Edward's mother telling me how much she loves sex. Somehow, she's gone from my friend to my friend's mother. I'm also wondering what Edward's dad looks like. Do these guys get even better with age?

"Today's my day off, and I'm meeting my Carlisle later to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Would either of you girls be opposed to my ordering us a bottle of wine?"

"Hell no. I'm out of the office for the rest of the day, my condo's across the street, and I'm sure Bella's office won't even notice another employee day-drunk at her desk. In fact, they're expecting it. It's her birthday after all." Rose winks at me. She loves teasing me about the amount of alcohol that can be consumed in the office once a project is completed. Her living a block away from my office has come in handy more than once.

"Bella, honey! It's your birthday today? Then we're definitely celebrating as we plan!" Elizabeth leans over and kisses my cheek before she sits down beside me. She seems genuinely surprised it's my birthday, which makes me unexpectedly delighted. "Before I forget, my son, Edward, asked for your email after the run. I know months have passed, but you didn't mind that I passed it along, did you? Did he ever contact you?"

"Of course it's fine. He did contact me, and it was lovely to hear from him after all that time. I had no idea you were his mother! And to think that all those times I hung out in your basement—"

"Hold the phone!" Rose interrupts. "Do you mean to tell me that Elizabeth's Edward is _the_ Edward?"

"' _The_ Edward'?" Elizabeth looks between the two of us.

"Oh, my God!" Rose is still going. "Edward? Of Edward and Jacob-Edward?"

I knew not telling Rose was going to kick my ass.

"Yes, Jacob's friend Edward is Elizabeth's son." I'm hoping she'll clue in to my phrasing. It was hard enough confessing my old feelings to Edward. I don't want to do it for his mother. I turn to explain to Elizabeth. "I was Jacob's girlfriend for a little while in high school

"Yes. Edward reminded me. I was singing your praises, and he stopped me to ask your last name. I had no idea the sweet girl who used to call the house was you."

I don't know what to say. I feel like anything could be too much. The waiter mercifully shows up, and Elizabeth engages him in a friendly conversation about wine. She also orders three cosmos. Oh, man. I'll be getting nothing done this afternoon. I glance at Rose, and the look on her face tells me we'll be talking about this later.

Despite Rose's impression of my workplace, I'm back in my office — sober — by the early afternoon. I don't think I can say the same for Rose or Elizabeth. Before I get sucked back into my work, I reply to Edward to confirm that it is indeed my birthday.

It's nearly 5:00 when he replies. There's no text, just an attachment, which I open immediately.

It's amazing.

It's an image I've seen before. It looks like a standard travel postcard. Traditionally, it reads "Greetings from Sunnydale" splashed over a black and white graveyard. Within the letters of Sunnydale are characters from _Buffy_. Edward's obviously, and terribly, used Microsoft Paint to add his own text. It now reads "Birthday Greetings from Sunnydale  & Edward."

I love it.

 _Amazing. I'll be home from work by 8:00. Are you free to catch an episode?_

His reply's instantaneous.

 _What? No big birthday plans? Isn't that fellow of yours taking you out?_

 _I'm too old for weeknights out. Grabbing take-out and watching_ Buffy _is pretty much all the excitement I can handle these days._

 _I remember you being a bit of a party girl after Jake._

Oh. So he remembers that.

 _Well, I'm a good girl now._

 _:)_

 _Yeah. So, I'll be home by 8:00._

I close my Gmail tab before he can reply. I've got a lot to get done if I want to get home by 8:00.

It's just after 8:00 when I open up my computer and set up the DVD.

I already have an email from Edward. The subject is a single exclamation point.

 _DO NOT TAKE MY MOM OUT FOR LUNCH AGAIN AND GET HER DRUNK. THE VOICEMAILS! YOU'RE KILLING ME._

As usual, I'm laughing at Edward's email. I wonder if Elizabeth let him know how much she appreciates his dad.

 _Suck it up, buttercup. I'm ready when you are._

Because I'm curious, I send a follow up.

 _P.S. Sorry about your mom. A lot was said at lunch. What, specifically, did she leave you messages about? If you like, I can fill you in on what she left out._

 _I didn't think you'd be willing to talk about it. She sure had lots to say about you. And your likes. And your present._

Oh.

Man.

 _Funny, because she had a lot to say about your dad. And her likes._

 _Why would you do that? Why would you take something awesome and sully it like that? No more talking. Press play._

Something awesome, huh?

I like the idea that he's thought of me in that way… more than I should.


	22. Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing

**Thanks for you lovely reviews, kind words, and continued patience. This is short, but there's another one coming soon.**

 **My love and gratitude, as always, to me fantastic team: Nic and Sri for pre-reading (even though this quick post my be a surprise for Sri!) and my super quick and all 'round fantastic beta Iris.**

 **Take care if you're about to get snowed in, curl up with a hot drink, a warm blanket and enjoy it!**

* * *

 _I played my game, a fantasy_

 _I pretend, but I know in reality_

 _I need the shelter of your arms to comfort me_

"Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing" – Marvin Gaye

 **October 28th**

I can't pinpoint when it happened, but there's been a change to our messages. A charge.

I have no idea how we ended up in this conversation this afternoon. Like always, there was a natural flow to our conversation, and then we somehow ended up with Edward asking me about dick-size preference.

 _I'll tell you, but you've got to keep it a secret. All the women got together and agreed we'd make men sweat this out. Payback for all the impossible beauty standards and all._

 _Obviously necessary. Long dicks: yay or nay? Go._

 _Nay._

 _Really? Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm fine with average appendage, above-average skills._

 _Seriously. Vaginas are tunnels that end. Too long, and it's just a waste._

 _So when girls want a big dick, they mean girth? You've all decided to make us think it's long dicks, but it's fat dicks you want?_

 _Yeah, but nothing too crazy. Average, you know? Like a Coke can._

 _Oh, of course. Totally average dick._

"Oh, my God! Who has a Coke can dick? What the fuck would you do with that?"

While giggling over the stupidest dick conversation ever, Alice has come up behind me.

"Not really, Alice. It's just a silly conversation with a friend."

"A friend named Edward?" Rose smiles too innocently at me. She's been dying to bring this up around Alice, I'm sure.

"Hold the fucking phone! _Edward_ Edward?" Alice is looking between me and Rose in complete shock. I really was going to tell her about this.

Rose puts her hands in the air. "Preach, girl. That's exactly what I said."

"Oh. My. God." Alice raises that damn single eyebrow at me. "I have _so_ many questions right now."

"Since May, not that much at first, now daily, it's not like that, and we're both in relationships," I answer, anticipating her questions.

"Okay. Those were the basics. I'll let you off with that for now. I need to change the subject. I know we had an epic pre-Halloween night out planned, but are you guys okay if we just come back here after dinner? We'll still costume up, and I've got a ton of booze here…" Alice trails off. "I've just been really exhausted lately, and…" When Alice trails off this time, she pulls a Ziplock bag from the pocket of her jeans and holds it in front of her. There's a stick inside.

Rose and I look at her and then at each other.

"Is that a pee stick?" I ask. I know that Alice, like Rose and I, has been ambivalent about babies.

"It's a _positive_ pee stick!" She grimaces, but there's a trace of a smile there, too.

"And you feel…?" I think I already know the answer.

"I'm positively giddy!"

And with that, Coke can cocks are mostly forgotten about. The three of us are hugging, and Alice is in tears and apologizing for being emotional. Emmett and Jasper walk into the room. Emmett's obviously just been told. He picks Alice up and whirls her around while Rose and I congratulate Jasper.

I notice the look that passes between Rose and Emmett. I don't think she's ambivalent about kids anymore.

Once everything's settled down, I head back to my computer. I really do have a lot work to do, but I have a series of new messages from Edward.

 _It feels like you went away. Are you grabbing a Coke?_

 _'_ _You can't beat the feeling.' I bet_ you _can, though. Am I right?_

 _Come on, Bella. Ain't nothing like the real thing._

I know he's just throwing Coke slogans at me.

But I think I want the real thing.

I look over at my friends. One pair's starting a family, and the other may be contemplating it. They're my people, but I realize, as much as I may be important to them, I'm not their partner or their child. I have Jeremy. He's not perfect, but neither am I. Maybe I should put some effort into my relationship with him instead of this useless maybe-flirting online.

I've minimized my email window, but a little ping tells me I have a message. I open it up, and like I suspected, it's Edward again.

It's a link to the Marvin Gaye song "Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing."

I don't think he's sending me secret messages, but my musings about backing away from this friendship are forgotten.


	23. Fairy Tale In New York

**_Surprise!_**

 ** _Thanks so much for sticking with me!_**

 ** _Thanks to my team: Nic, Sri, and Iris._**

 ** _An extra big kiss to Nic, who spent nearly an entire Saturday keeping me pumped and focused._**

 ** _See you back here in a few days! (That's right!)_**

* * *

 _I've got a feeling_

 _This year's for me and you_

 _So happy Christmas_

 _I love you baby_

 _I can see a better time_

 _When all our dreams come true_

"Fairytale In New York" ─ The Pouges

 **December 23, 2006**

I'm nervous.

Rose and Em are on their way to pick me up. I didn't even bother to ask Jeremy. He's away for the weekend at his sister's place. I know I should've gone, but I couldn't get out of work commitments.

And there was Elizabeth's Christmas open house.

But it was mostly work, which is now done. The project's launched, and the bonus is in the bank.

Does my hair look okay up? Is this too much makeup? Am I trying too hard? What do I mean by that?

"Holy shit! Look at you!" Rose just let herself in and caught me standing in my hall, checking myself over yet again.

"Is it too much?"

"You're always stunning, but it's nice to see you dressed up."

"Thanks. After all the stress of work, it's nice to be able to have some down time. I thought I'd look like I'm celebrating."

"Okay. I'm sure that's the only reason you look irresistible." She rolls her eyes at me.

I don't bother denying it. Rose knows me as well as I know myself, sometimes even better. She's probably right to be sarcastic with me right now.

There's definitely another reason.

* * *

Even though I can tell he's watching the door, I spot him before he sees me. When we arrived, Elizabeth gave Rose, Emmett, and me a quick tour of the house, which means we arrive in the kitchen the long way — through the living room and then the dining room — instead of the direct route from the front hall. It's actually the first time I've been here that I didn't just go straight downstairs to the basement.

He looks so fucking good that it hurts. He's got a purple button-down tucked into his jeans, a vest, and a tie. But my eyes go back to the jeans. Cycling's a very good sport.

I don't have long to watch him. He finally looks away from the door, and I manage a wave to catch his eye. He's talking to a couple that must be friends of his parents. I'm surprised when he doesn't just wave back at me but makes his way through the crowded kitchen. I don't think he even excused himself from the conversation.

He stops in front of me. "Hey," he breathes out quietly.

I'm smiling like a fool and too stuck to respond quickly. "Hi," I finally manage.

"Come here." He sounds more confident now as he pulls me into a hug.

I melt — just a little — into him.

 _I'm home_.

I stiffen as I think the words.

Edward must feel my reaction because he steps back. He looks a little apologetic.

"Sorry."

"No. Don't be sorry. Oh! This is Rose and Emmett." I gesture to Rose, grateful she moved into my sightline. "Guys, this is my friend Edward, Elizabeth's son."

They shake hands, but I can't take my eyes off of him. He's polite and makes small talk with them while I stand mute beside them. He catches me looking so many times I realize I should be embarrassed, but I also know that means he's looking at me, too.

I realize this is the first he's seen me since that one night we ran into each other after high school.

I get the feeling he likes what he sees.

* * *

I may have forgotten how much Elizabeth likes to share her wine. I think I've already had three glasses when I wander into the kitchen. Edward stood with the three of us until his dad came by to pull him away to meet someone or other a few minutes ago. Elizabeth was right about her husband; he looks like Edward but a bit older. This is an insanely attractive house.

As soon as I walk into the kitchen, I spy Edward talking to his mom by the fridge. He immediately waves me over, and I smile when I catch the flash of red in his hand.

"I didn't know you liked Coke." I smile innocently at him.

His eyes widen. He knows exactly what I'm referring to. I don't know why I was nervous about how we'd be around each other without the comfort of the screen between us. I guess I forgot about what booze can do.

"I don't. I got it for you." He passes me the can. I came in for a beer, but this is so much more fun.

"Thanks. I love Coke."

"Nonsense, darling," Elizabeth interrupts us. "Let me fill you up here." She's filling my wine glass again. "And you, Edward! Offering our guests Coke! What's gotten into you?"

"Sorry, Mom." Edward looks at me with a straight face. "I thought Bella said something about wanting to get some Coke into her."

Elizabeth looks between us. She's on to him. But instead of saying anything, she smiles and walks away.

I smack his chest. "I can't believe you! In front of your mother!"

He pokes my shoulder. "You started it!"

I poke him back. "You had the Coke. You know what you were doing."

He smiles at me. "You're right, Bella. I _do_ have the Coke, and I _do_ know what I'm doing with it." He deliberately brushes against me as he walks away.

 _Oh, my God._

* * *

I nurse the wine Elizabeth poured for me in the kitchen. I've wandered around and found Rose again. She's talking to a group of women I recognize from when we planned the spring run. I chat with them, but my attention is across the room. Edward's laughing along with his dad and a group of guys at something Emmett's saying. It turns out Em knows Carlisle and many of his colleagues who showed up tonight from work. I'm sure they're laughing at Em's extensive list of what he describes as "firefighter burns." There's a ruckus of "Ohhhhhhhh!" from all but one of the group that confirms my suspicions. The lone hold-out's too busy smiling at me.

Rose and I have wandered back to Edward and Emmett. The four of us move to the living room and the cozy leather couches there. I'm relieved to finally be sitting down. These heels may look great, but I'm not the kind of girl who's used to standing in them for hours. Edward sits beside me, and Rose and Em are across from us. I notice how much easier the conversation flows with Edward than with Jeremy.

Edward's leg brushes against mine every time he leans forward. Sometimes it's to emphasize a point; sometimes it's to reach for his drink. Every so often, we reach for a chip in the bowl in front of us together and our hands graze against each other. Whenever he's deliberately including me in something he's talking about, he touches me — my hand, my arm, my leg.

If he didn't live ten hours away, Jeremy would be history.

The thought has me reeling. I excuse myself and head downstairs to the bathroom I know is there. Heading down the staircase feels like I'm going back in time. The last time I remember doing it, I'd just been outside sitting with a crying Edward. I wonder if he remembers that.

I wash up in the bathroom and take my time. I'm a little dizzy from the wine, the memories, and what I'm starting to realize.

More than twelve years have gone by, I'm back in Edward's basement, and I'm still with the wrong guy.

I'm a little tired and a more than a little tipsy. These shoes and the stairs are not combining well. I'm so busy watching my feet navigate them that I completely miss there's someone heading in my direction until I run into him.

"Sorry," I mumble as I lean against the wall and out of their way.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

My head snaps up, because I recognize the voice. Edward moves past me to stand on the step below me. Between the staircase and my shoes, we're now the same height. His face is just inches from mine.

"Yeah… I just…" I trail off. I don't know what I'm going to say.

"I know," Edward whispers, his hand moving to the side of my neck. I close my eyes at the contact, and when I open them a moment later, Edward has moved toward me, a smile playing on his lips. As much as I want my lips to be on his, I know I can't.

"I think I've had too much to drink." As I finish my sentence, I take a step back and up, breaking our contact. Now that there's a stair safely between us, I stop my retreat. "It was so good seeing you again. Talk to you in the new year."

I want to wish him a Merry Christmas and give him a hug, but I don't think I could stop with that, so I just turn away and walk back up the stairs, back to Rose and Emmett, and back the life I have now.


	24. Wolf Like Me

**_I know we are frustrated with Bella, remember her start in life._**

 ** _Thanks to my amazing team: Nic and Sri for pre-reading, and Iris for betaing this up. They've been slammed by me over the past few days and were nothing but encouraging. I know this is brief, but I think it needs to stand on it's own. I'll be posting fairly quickly for a few more chapters. We may as well do this fast, since Bella and Edward aren't :)_**

 _Say say my playmate_

 _Won't you lay your hands on me_

 _Mirror my malady_

 _Transfer my tragedy_

 _..._

 _My mind has changed_

 _My body's frame but god I like it_

 _My heart's aflame_

 _My body's strained but God I like it_

"Wolf Like Me" ─ TV On The Radio

 **January 3**

I knew when I left Edward on the stairs that the chances of us talking in the new year were pretty slim. All the silly flirting came back to bite us as soon as we had a bit too much to drink.

On Christmas Eve, I drove to Windsor to spend time with Jeremy and his family. I made an early resolution to work on our relationship. There was once a time when we were good together, something more than roommates. I owe it to Jeremy to get us back to there.

But that's easier said, or thought, than done. Now that I've let the possibility into my mind — the possibility I have feelings for Edward — I can't get him out. He's constantly on my mind. When I'm in the shower, he's pressing me against the tiles. When I brush my teeth, I imagine him taking me from behind and watching ourselves in the mirror. The only thing that gets me through an eye-gouging meeting at work is picturing him under my desk, my skirt pushed up and his mouth on me.

He's even invaded my dreams. I've just woken up, but I can still feel the burn of his stubble on my lips. I'd been kissing his neck in this dream, and we fell off the bed. This needs to stop. It's 5:00 a.m., and I can't get back to sleep.

Maybe it'll stop if I just talk to him again. I get up and head to my computer.


	25. Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken

**_I have The Best people in my life. Thank you Nic and Sri, for all that you do to make sure this is ready for Iris, the bestest fixer of docs ever._**

* * *

 _Jealousy is more than a word, now I understand_

 _You can't stay a girl while holding a boy's hand_

 _Hey Lloyd I'm ready to be heartbroken_

 _'cuz I can't see further than my own nose at this moment_

 _Hey Lloyd I'm ready to be heartbroken_

 _'cuz I can't see further than my own nose at this moment_

 _I've got my life of complication here to sort out_

 _I'll take myself to an east coast city and walk about_

"Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken" ─ Camera Obscura

 **May 19, 2007**

In a crazy twist of fate, Edward's in London. I'm in Toronto hosting Alice's baby shower, though. He flew home for the long weekend, saying he needed a break from some things and he'd talk to me about it when he landed. I tell him I'll be online at 4:00.

When I've got everything organized for tomorrow's shower and a hugely uncomfortable Alice down for a nap, I grab my laptop and head onto Alice's small patio. It's a beautiful day, and I wish I could join Rose, Emmett, and Jasper on their run by the lake, but I've got to talk to Edward first.

He's already sent me a message to say he's online. Like always, we chit chat about the little things, but the usual flirtatious tone of our messages has cooled since the stair incident.

 _Hey. Can we go off topic for a minute?_

 _Sure._

 _So here's something you don't know, because we've so far talked about Christmas a grand total of zero times: Brie and I broke up in the fall._

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So he was single when he maybe tried to kiss me? I'm not sure why that matters, since he knew I wasn't, but it somehow does.

Except I'm sure they're together now. He's mentioned her a few times lately.

 _But you're back together now, right?_

 _We're seeing each other again. Casually. But she told me last week that she's given her notice on her lease and wrote a letter of resignation._

 _What does that mean?_

I can't tell if I'm supposed to know what's going on.

 _She's planning on moving into my place. She says she hates her job, and if she's living with me, she can quit!_

Oh. Here I've been at the beginning of my plan to leave Jeremy and putting out feelers for jobs in Montreal, though my lack of French skills are killing my chances.

 _How do you feel about it?_

 _Like this is some straight up crazy bullshit!_

 _So you're not happy._

 _Obviously! We had a talk about this last week. I told her I wasn't looking for a roommate!_

 _Well, there's your problem. She doesn't want to be your roommate! That's not what she's talking about. You get that, right?_

 _UGH! Of course I GET it. I just thought that was a gentle way of telling her no. But maybe I should let her stay, if it's just going to be until she finds another job. Maybe it's time for me to grow the fuck up._

 _Trust me. You don't want to get yourself stuck in a live-in relationship with someone you aren't feeling that for. It's fucking impossible to navigate that._

 _Are you speaking from experience? I thought you and Jeremy were fine with how your relationship's going._

Fuck. This is the first time I've let on that things aren't good. I don't think it's a good idea to dump my relationship drama on him while he's got his own shit to figure out.

I hear the front door close. This isn't a conversation I want to be having right now, anyway. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears, and I don't want to spend the evening bringing everyone down with my high-school level emotional crisis

 _Sorry. Everyone just came back. I'll talk to you later_.

I close my laptop and brush away the tears that have started to fall. I'm realizing I may have missed my chance with Edward again. I figure I have a few moments to get myself together, but the opening of the back door tells me otherwise.

"Hey, Bella." It's Jasper. "I cut the run short. I wanted to get back to Alice. Where is she?" I point up, indicating their bedroom upstairs, because I'm on the verge of sobbing and don't want to break down in front of Jasper.

But today's clearly not my day, because instead of heading back inside, he sits down at the table across from me.

"Edward?" he asks gently. I get the feeling he already knows he's right, so I nod and put my head down.

I cry like I haven't cried in years.

When I finally feel like the tears are slowing down, I lift my head to see Jasper offering me a handkerchief. He's wonderfully old-fashioned sometimes.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I do, but not with Rose or Alice, who must be so tired of this by now. Maybe I need some dude logic to set me straight.

And maybe I need to say what I've really been thinking out loud. "I think he's the love of my life."

Jasper smiles and nods. I don't think this surprises him.

"But I don't think I'm the love of _his_ life." I wipe an errant tear and continue. "I think we're just always going to be friends, and I'm always going to be in love with him."

"How do you feel about that?"

"That's fine." The tears are falling again, contradicting my words. "He's the love of my life, but that doesn't mean we have to have a romantic relationship. Different loves fill different needs. We'll always be friends. Maybe my big love is just a platonic one."

"Oh, darling. That's so much bullshit that you just broke the ozone layer."

And as shitty as I'm feeling, I laugh through my tears and nod.

"I think it's time you cut Jeremy free, and you need to let Edward know. He might be sitting across from someone having this same exact conversation."

"It's not his fault I've developed feelings for him. I'm not going to end our friendship over it. I'm not going to burden him with this. I'm a big girl, and I can deal with my feelings for him."

But I also realize what's going unsaid: I also have to deal with my lack of feelings for Jeremy.


	26. You Had Time

**This is the chapter referenced in the prologue to "If" from Bella's point of view and "This" from Brie's.**

 **Thanks for sticking with me and these super frustrating people :)**

 **This week I've overwhelmed my team with chapter after chapter, and they just keep being awesome, supporting me, and making this story better. Thanks isn't a big enough word to convey my gratitude. I just love them so much. Nic, Sri, and Iris; you guys! You. Guys. 3.**

* * *

 _You are a china shop_

 _And I am a bull_

 _You are really good food_

 _And I am full_

 _I guess everything is timing_

 _I guess everything's been said_

 _So I am coming home with an empty head_

"You Had Time" − Ani DiFranco

 **July 1, 2007**

It turns out that breaking up with someone is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I spent the first two weeks in June trying to broach the subject.

"Are you happy?"

"With my second place finish last month? Yeah. Got some great feedback. I'm working on developing my traps—"

"No. This. Us. Are you happy with this?"

"Of course I'm happy. You're a cool chick. Why wouldn't I be happy? I'd be even happier if I could get you to do a fitness competition with me. I bet you could have a solid body in a year for bikini—"

"I'm not interested in fitness competitions, Jeremy."

 _I'm not interested in you._

I don't know why I can't say it. The idea of taking this big jump doesn't feel like I'm leaping toward freedom; it feels like I'm jumping off a cliff.

Like it's potential suicide.

At Rose's suggestion, I started therapy. It's not couples therapy; it's something just for me. I need to deal with my own shit. It turns out that being the daughter of an abusive alcoholic can fuck with your adult relationships. The little girl that learned how to please and keep her head down needs to learn how to stand up for what she wants now.

I'm going to see Edward today. For his birthday last month, I sent him a pair of tickets to the Canada Day game at Labatt Park. I knew he was planning a trip to see his parents as soon as school was done, and he'd mentioned he used to go the games with his dad when he was young. At Edward's urging, I bought myself a pair. I figured I could take Rose.

And that would've been the plan had she not found herself hospitalized for extreme morning sickness earlier this week.

And then an email from Edward last night changed my plans again.

 _I know the new original plan is for you to come with my mom and dad, but Crazy's shown up at the door. I really don't want to go into why that's an issue in front of my mom and dad. Why don't you bring Jeremy? We'll sit together, and then we can go for some drinks after the fireworks._

A quick visit to the ticket booth later, and I reply.

 _So I misread my tickets. I'm not beside you guys. I'm in the same row but in a totally different section. We'll see you at the game. Not sure about the drinks, though. Jeremy's in the middle of the competitive season._

 _Shit. How did I forget you're living with a body builder? He's not going to pound the shit out of me, is he?_

Maybe if he knew how I felt about you.

 _Depends on which team you cheer for._

Definitely the safer answer.

* * *

Jeremy's pretty excited to go to the game, which surprises me. I tell him we'll be meeting up with an old friend from high school, and he's even cool with that. I don't bother to ask him out for drinks after. I'm not sure I could trust myself to keep it together while drinking around Edward, Jeremy, and Brie. I may like to please everyone, but that's a lot of people I'm not being honest with in one small space.

Because I took so long to get ready, we're nearly late for the game. Edward told me to text his mother's phone when we're close. He uses that when he's in London to avoid long distance charges. I fire off a quick message as soon as Jeremy parks the car.

 _Sorry. Five minutes._

It's a hot and sticky day, but I don't think that's why I break out into a sweat as we approach the ticket gate. I can see Edward just beyond the entrance. There's a fucking model draped over him. I see why he's been so willing to put up with her for so long.

I surprise myself when I take Jeremy's hand. It's such a habit by now, but over the past few weeks, I've been trying to break it.

Edward pushes away from Brie as soon as he sees us. He doesn't hug me like he did at Christmas, but he shakes Jeremy's hand when I introduce them. Jeremy grabs my hand again, and I suddenly wish I'd just brought Emmett instead. I let go of his hand while I'm explaining where we sit, which involves another lie. I gave the seats I originally had — the ones beside Brie and Edward — away to one of the guys on my team. I stopped by the ticket booth on my way home from work and purchased ones across the field. I'm not sure if it's worse to watch them than to sit beside them.

Our second meeting is nothing like our first. Beyond introductions and me babbling about not being able to read tickets, I have no idea what was said.

Jeremy and I walk away first. I think he mentioned we just missed the anthem, but I didn't hear it over the blood pounding in my ears.

"Your friends seem cool," Jeremy tells me as we get to the seats.

"Friend. This is my first time meeting Brie." I'm happy Jeremy doesn't feel the need to inquire about Edward. I also realize he didn't introduce us, which is why Jeremy likely thinks we're friends.

"They invited us for drinks after the game. I figured you wouldn't want to go—"

"No. That sounds great. It's my cheat day. I went at it extra hard this morning, so I can have a couple of beers one more time before I get really serious."

I look at Jeremy for a moment and wonder why he's so quick to agree to go out. Is this him trying? I feel a little pang of guilt. I wish I was brave.

"I'll text him, then." I pull out my Blackberry.

 _Drinks after. Thorny Devil. See you there._

* * *

I make it through most of the game pretending to watch. Edward's absorbed in it and doesn't seem to talk to Brie once. I wonder what's going on with them. Considering the text he sent last night, he obviously isn't pleased she's here. At the seventh inning, the realization I've agreed to drinks with the three of them hits me. I need some liquid courage.

"I'm going to grab a beer. I'll be right back."

While I'm standing in line, a thought pops in my head.

 _If he texts me, then…_

But what do I want the _then_ to be?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Because if it's what I think I want it to be, then who am I? Because I don't really like _that_ girl.

I don't like myself because I'm a coward. I don't like myself because I'm in love with someone when I'm living with someone else.

 _If he walks in now, then I'll tell him how I feel._

I hold the pair of beers I've purchased and count to ten. The concession stands are dead. There's no one here.

I count to ten again. Still no one. I head back to my seat.

I hand Jeremy his drink and sit before I notice.

Edward isn't in his seat.

Timing's a bitch.

* * *

We stick around, watch the fireworks, and then walk across the river to the Thorny Devil. It's my after-work bar, and if the evening's going to be awkward, I may as well feel comfortable with the bar choice.

Of course, the first person I run into is the guy I gave the tickets to. I'm still talking to him when Edward and Brie walk in.

This time, I make proper introductions and then excuse myself to buy a round of drinks. I try not to roll my eyes when Brie asks for a 7 and 7 with ice and seven maraschino cherries.

Blended, if possible.

I'm leaning against the bar when I feel a hip knock against me. I'm about to apologize and make room when I look at who it is.

Edward.

"Hey!" he shouts. This place is pretty loud.

"Hey!" I turn to him, the battle to order drinks temporarily forgotten.

"So I'm guessing you didn't fuck up the tickets."

I'm caught. He's smiling at me, so maybe he gets it.

"Guilty as charged!" I hold my hands up in surrender. "I don't know. I thought the whole thing could've been… I don't know." I trail off. What am I supposed to say?

"Yeah. I get it." He looks away from me and catches the bartender's attention.

* * *

I'd planned to stay for a drink and leave, but it's actually been pretty great. It's mostly because Jeremy and Brie get along very well. If I cared, I'd have to describe it as a little _too_ well. She seems very interested in his fitness philosophy.

But that's left me and Edward with plenty of time to talk.

He comes with me to order another round of drinks. Brie and Jeremy dropped out after the last round, so now Edward and I are on our own. We hang back with our beers and watch people for a bit.

"Maybe we should swap." The words are out of my mouth before I think about filtering them. They're either bitchy or wistful. I'm not sure how they came out, but I'm very aware of what I want. His elbow nudges me.

"I don't know. I think I'm the one who loses out in that scenario." My head whips around, shocked he's dissed me so easily. "I mean, I get that he's buff, but he's not really my type." He turns to me and smiles too innocently.

"Asshat."

He laughs but then leans toward me. "But you better message me as soon as you're done with Brie. I want the details of that one."

I smack him. "Such a guy."

"Hey!" This time, it's him holding his hands up in surrender. "If you'd rather I watch, that's fine with me. That way, you don't have to worry about remembering the good stuff."

I'm laughing at him. "You're such a fucking dick."

"Join in then?"

The liquid courage seems to kick in, and I lean in so I'm pressed directly against his side. I put my hands on his shoulder and lean in further still to whisper in his ear. "Trust me. Once you're with me, you won't even remember her name, nevermind that she's in the same room." I let go and drop back from Edward, expecting him to have some sort of comeback. Instead, he just groans, bends over the bar, and puts his head down. I'm pretty proud of myself as I walk away.

It's not long after that Jeremy asks if we can leave. It's late for him, and given the three drinks he had tonight, I'm sure he's planning to go into the gym even earlier than usual.

* * *

Instead of working, I flip on the porch light and take a book and a glass of wine outside. I curl up in the hammock and read until I see the lights turn on inside. It's 4:30 in the morning; time for Jeremy to wake up and for me to go to bed.

I grab my phone from my purse, plugging it in before I fall asleep. I can't help but check my messages. One's from Elizabeth's phone.

 _Brie and I just broke up._


	27. The Last Day of Our Acquaintance

**Thanks so much to my amazing peeps: Nic, Sri, and Iris. I love you guys to the moon and back.**

 _Today's the day_

 _Our friendship has been stale_

 _And we will meet later to finalize the details_

…

 _This is the last day of our acquaintance_

 _I will meet you later in somebody's office_

"The Last Day of Our Acquaintance" − Sinead O'Connor

 **July 2, 2007**

They broke up.

Is it permanent this time? No. I can't write that. That's way bitchy.

 _Are you okay? Do you need to talk?_

I know the chances of Edward being able to talk are very slim. He leaves for a six-week vacation later today.

I don't know what this means for any possibility of a future for the two of us, but I should take a cue from him.

* * *

When I wake up, I have a message from Elizabeth's phone.

 _Check email._

Today's a holiday Monday, and Edward knows I'm trying to pull back from working so many hours. He knows I set myself a challenge to not touch a computer this weekend.

The house is quiet. Jeremy's probably taking the day to train top clients while the gym's officially closed. When you own the place, you can spend all the time you want there.

I pour a cup of coffee while I wait for my laptop to boot up. My hands are shaking. I'm not sure what I'm expecting.

I don't think it's this.

 _Bella,_

 _I know you're trying not to touch a computer, but I wasn't going to bother trying to send this by text._

 _I haven't been completely honest with you or Brie, and that's on me. It's something I want to talk to you about more when I get back. I was single at Christmas, and I think you know why that's important. We saw each other a few times in the spring before she dropped the bomb about wanting to live with me. We didn't see as much of each other as I may have implied. Again, I'll talk to you about that in person._

 _She thought our few meet-ups were us getting back together, though I gave her no indication of that. This is likely oversharing, but I didn't even sleep with her. But that's all my problem and the possibility I led her on is something I'm feeling bad about._

 _When she showed up on my parents' doorstep, I felt like an ass. My mother would be so disappointed in me if she knew the kind of boyfriend I'd been to Brie. That being said, it wasn't until Brie told me how surprised she was I didn't propose during the fireworks that I knew I needed to be clearer with her._

 _I know this is a lot of information, and it may just seem like rambling. Maybe it is. I'm on my way out the door to head to Toronto to catch my flight. I'm not sure how much access I'll have to the internet while I'm gone. We're planning to be on our bikes or camping most of the time. When we hit big cities, I'll try and check in with you._

 _When I get home, I'll be in London. Can we get together? I think we need to talk face to face._

 _Edward_

The door slams before I can even process everything he's said and, more importantly, not said.

"Hello!" Jeremy shouts from the front door.

I quickly close the message and then my laptop. There's nothing really said, but that's the kind of message that requires some explaining.

Jeremy's at the door as I'm standing up.

"Jeremy, we need to talk."

"Sure. I've got to take a shower. Can you come into the bathroom and talk to me there?"

"No, Jeremy." I put my hand on his arm. "Let's go sit in the living room."

I've practiced this so many times and in so many ways, but now that the time's here, I have no idea what I'm going to say.

"I'm so sorry."

I wait for a moment, and Jeremy sighs.

"So this is it, eh?"

"Yeah. I just don't think this is working for either one of us."

Jeremy looks past me and nods his head.

"Fuck."

"Jeremy, we do nothing together. We barely talk. We haven't had sex in nearly a year. This has been a long time coming."

He nods again and then looks at me.

"So how do we do this?"


	28. Maps

**Thanks to the darlings I have in my life. They've been there for me and gotten me through some tough times. Nic and Sri, thanks for reading and keeping me honest to these frustrating characters. Iris, thanks so much for not only turning these over so quickly, but for being an objective opinion when I needed it.**

 **Thanks reviewers. I tried to respond to all my reviews. If I missed you this week, it's likely because fanfic was being a dick and cocking things up.**

* * *

 _Pack up_

 _Don't stray_

 _Oh, say say say_

 _Oh, say say say_

 _Wait! They don't love you like I love you_

 _Wait! They don't love you like I love you_

"Maps" ─ The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

 **July 2**

By the time Jeremy and I figure out how we're going to separate, Edward's in the air. I send him a message anyway.

 _Edward,_

 _I have so much I want to talk to you about, too, but I agree that over email isn't the way to have this conversation._

 _Ride safe. I'm looking forward to hearing from you._

 _Bella_

I want to tell him I broke up with Jeremy and that he was the reason why, but maybe it isn't fair to dump that all on him while he's on vacation with his friends.

 **July 3**

 _Bella,_

 _I'll be in London August 15. My parents are picking me up from the airport. I'll be jet-lagged, but do you want to meet up? We could go see_ The Order of The Phoenix _._

 _Oh, yeah. Amsterdam's great. I may be having_ too _much fun!_

 _Edward_

 **July 3**

 _Edward,_

 _Yes! But are you going to fall asleep in the theater? We can see it on the 16_ _th_ _, if you want to get caught up on sleep._

 _I'm glad you're enjoying Amsterdam. Send pictures!_

 _Bella_

 **July 11**

 _Bella,_

 _I just cycled through the Arc De Triomphe like a motherfucker! I just cycled to motherfucking Paris, France!_

 _Okay, now that I've got that out of my system…_

 _(But seriously. 533 km in a week!)_

 _This place. I'm still speechless._

 _I won't fall asleep. That's what the plane's for. My flight gets in just after midnight, and I've got some stuff to do during the day. Do you want me to stop by your office when I'm done?_

 _Edward_

 **July 12**

 _Edward,_

 _I can't believe you're doing this! It's inspiring._

 _For sure stop by my office. Are you thinking 6:00? I'll buy tickets as soon as they're available, but by then, the movie will be a month old. The lines were crazy last night for the first showing!_

 _Bella_

 **July 12**

 _Wait! Did you see it already?_

 _-E_

 _No! I just drove by after work._

 _-B_

 _Okay. It's a date, then. Hey, promise me you won't go see it with anyone else, okay?_

 _-E_

 _Of course not. So long as you won't watch it with anyone while you're away._

 _-B_

 **July 13**

 _Why would I? You're the only one I want to watch_ Harry Potter _with. Do you want to do dinner after the movie? It'll give us a chance to talk._

 _The next leg of our trip starts tomorrow. I'm going to hit my first big climb. I think it may be a while before I'm online again. I just mailed you a postcard._

 _-E_

 _Dinner after the movie sounds great! Best of luck! By the time you get this, you'll have done it!_

 _-B_

 **July 19**

 _Hey, Edward! You should've arrived in Lyon yesterday. I just want to make sure you're okay._

 **July 20**

 _Bella! Sorry. We took an extra day, because the weather was shit. Are you online now?_

 _-E_

 _Yes. I'm working late. Someone cocked up this project and then quit._

 _-B_

" _Cocked up"? Great phrase!_

 _-E_

 _Yeah. Well, the cocksucker put us in a terrible position, and I can't even fire him!_

 _-B_

 _Bella, I swear that if you say "cock" one more time, I'm going to have to leave this conversation and find a moment alone._

 _-E_

 _To grab your cock? Come on. Don't be a pussy. ;)_

 _-B_

 _...Edward?_

 _-B_

 _...Edward?_

 _-B_

 _Did you really just leave this conversation?_

 _-B_

 **July 21**

 _Look, you were warned. I don't think you have any idea what that does to a guy when it's been a while and he's sharing a tent with two other dudes._

 _We're taking our time on the last stage (mountains), and we're hoping to take a side trip to see a leg of the Tour De France._

 _I'll likely be offline for a couple of weeks. As soon as I find an internet café in Bordeaux, you're the first person I'll contact. (Just don't tell my mom that.)_

 _-E_

 **August 7**

 _Made it!_

 _I can't believe this is nearly over. I fly home next week. My legs are dead. We're really happy with what we did and even happier we're done!_

 _I have so many pictures to show you, but by the time they load, I'll be home. I'd way rather show you in person. I'm sending you this one, though. We took it in a town we passed on the way to Bordeaux. It was one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to, but maybe I'm biased. It seemed fitting._

 _I won't be online until I'm home. I'll be at your office at 6:00 sharp. I can't wait._

 _-E_

The picture takes a while to upload. The file name, "Bellac, France," tells me where it was taken. I search the internet for pictures while I wait. He's right; it looks like a fairytale.

I flip back to the program I'm opening the picture in.

It's a picture of Edward standing in front of a road sign. His head covers most of the C so it reads "Bella." Edward's laughing, and he has one hand pointing to the sign and the other over his heart.


	29. A Little Lost

**A very extra special love and hugs this week to my team. Nic, Sri, and Iris. I just love you guys.**

 **My Facebook account is gone, but the Bled Dry group remains active. I'm also still on Twitter - 4ubleddry**

 **The frantic pace of these updates is coming to a close. This wraps up the second section of the story, _This._ The third and final part will resume in a few weeks.**

 **Love each other, people.**

* * *

 _I'm so unfinished_

 _Our love affair_

 _A voice in me_

 _Is telling me to_

 _Run away_

 _I hope your feeling isn't diminished_

 _I hope you need someone in your life_

 _Someone like me_

 _'Cause I'm so busy, so busy_

 _Thinking about kissing you_

 _Now I want to do that_

 _Without entertaining another thought_

"A Little Lost" Arthur Russel

 **August 15, 2007**

An unfamiliar number appears on my phone right at 6:00.

 _I'm on a bench out front._

I finish putting on my makeup, grab my purse, and practically run out the door.

He stands up as soon as he sees me. He looks — gah! — just so good. But different, too. He's tanned, and his legs, or what I can see of them through the shorts, are even more defined. I stop in front of him, unsure of what to do.

He seems to have the same dilemma.

We spend a moment looking at each other before he breaks the silence.

"So you broke up with Jeremy."

"How did— Your mom." It's not a question. Why didn't I think about the potential for her to know and pass on the information?

"Yep. So, I just want to be clear about something. You're single now, and I'm single." He moves his hands between us. "I consider this a date. I'd like this to be a date, not just two friends hanging out."

I'm speechless, and it sucks, because for the first time, I think we might be getting somewhere. I so want to respond, but my mouth's gone dry, and I feel like my tongue may fall out if I try to say anything.

But I decide to take a risk.

"Yes." I nod and then cringe, because it doesn't really make sense. But Edward laughs and takes my hand.

We make it about two steps when I realize something. "Edward, how did you get here?"

"I drove. I'm parked under your office tower."

"That's where I'm parked. It closes at 11:00. How about we drive in separate cars and meet there?"

He eyes me suspiciously, and I realize he might think I'm trying to get out of the date.

"It's still a date. I promise. I just really don't want to get a ticket if I leave it there overnight."

"Okay."

We say nothing more as we walk down the staircase to the car access. We stop at the first level where my car is.

"I'll meet you there." I take a step back toward the door that leads out of the pee-scented stairwell, but I don't want to leave.

Edward's still holding my hand; it seems he feels the same way.

Before I can lose my nerve, I step closer to him. I can see I've surprised him, and I lean in and quickly kiss him on the cheek as I let go of his hand.

I'm an excited, nervous wreck by the time I get to my car. I actually drop my keys because my hands are shaking so hard.

I'm going on a date with Edward Cullen.

Oh, my God. Why am I not with him right now? I totally could've swallowed a ticket to be with him. I'm such a fucking idiot. I pull out my phone and dial Rose's number, hitting "Send" as soon as I have a signal.

She doesn't answer until the third ring. "What's wrong? Shouldn't you be with Edward?"

"Oh, my God! Rose, it's a date. He clearly told me we're on a date!"

Rose laughs. "Of course it's a date, you sweet, stupid girl. What did you think it was going to be?"

"He knew about Jeremy."

"Get off the phone and get back to Edward. I'll try and wait up for you, and we can talk about all of this then."

* * *

Edward pulls up in a newish SUV. It's a lot of car for a single guy, but I guess it comes in handy with the amount of adventuring he does. He pulls up beside me as I'm getting out of my car.

"Hey."

His killer smile is back, and any nerves he may have had about our date seem to be gone.

"Hey," I reply. It feels a little like high school.

We stand and grin at each other until he grabs my hand again. "Let's go. We're running out of time before the movie starts."

I'm sure it was a great movie, but I have no idea. I could only focus on what it felt like to be holding Edward's hand and the fact this is an above-the-board, actual date. Every now and then, his thumb would brush over my hand and his hand would give me a little squeeze. Every time I looked over at him, he was already smiling at me.

At some point in the movie, I put my head on his shoulder. It feels familiar — not because I've done this long ago, but because it feels like this is where my head should be. It's as much terrifying as it is amazing.

Our hands are still together when we depart the theater. He uses our joined hands to point at a movie poster. "Want to see that next?"

I look at him to see if he's serious, to see if he doesn't remember how much I hate torture movies. He's trying not to laugh.

"Nope. Thanks, though. This was fun and all, but I don't think it'll extend to a second movie." I give his hand a squeeze and try to conceal my own smile.

"You're such a pussy, Swan."

I falter a little, and he knows he has me.

That word coming out of his mouth… I guess he got even for "cock" this summer.

The parking lot cleared out quickly, but our conversation continues. We haven't talked about anything important yet — about Brie, Jeremy, or how this is going to play out when we live so far away. I think we're both enjoying this moment of joy we're finally allowed to have together. I send a quick text to Rose to say I'll be late. I'm still leaning against his SUV, and he's still leaning against my car. He's teasing me, calling me a pussy again, so I kick his foot. It's all a game, really. He can keep saying it. I'd like to hear him say it in other contexts.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Why so obsessed with my pussy?" Oh, shit. Where's my filter? As much as I'd like him to talk about things he'd like to do to my pussy, I really shouldn't have said that.

His eyes widen, and he coughs a bit. This is behind-the-screen talk. This isn't how we talk in person. It's not even a good comeback.

"Whoa, Swan! Filter."

"You started it"

"Oh, really?" He laughs and stands straight, coming off the car. "This is how it's going down? Some old school, juvenile— Got your phone!" he yells, snatching it from my hand and holding it high above me. Now I'm laughing and trying to pull his arm down. He keeps twisting away from me, causing me to turn with him. I smack into his car, and he quickly reaches over me and puts the phone down on the roof. Then he grabs my arms and holds them pressed to my sides. His head is back, and while he's still laughing, I'm not.

His head finally lowers, and he looks at me. The laughter dies on his lips. He keeps looking at his hands on my arms, his legs on either side of mine, at the length of his body pressed into mine.

"Jesus…" he breaths out, moving off of me. He brushes his hands down my arms, squeezing my hands as he steps further away. "I'm sorry."

I watch his fingers trail under the palms of my hands.

"It's okay." I look away from my hands and at him. I have no idea what he's sorry for. He looks like he's studying me. I've never seen him have any expression that isn't light and full of humor. Even the time he maybe-almost kissed me on the stairs, he was grinning. Now he's looking at me with an intensity that betrays him.

Suddenly, his hands are on my face, and he's inches from me. His eyes are open as he whispers, "I'm not sorry." But he doesn't move. He's frozen, holding my face and staring.

And then it's me. It's fucking me. I don't know if I'm calling his bluff or being brave, but I lean in. As I grab each side of his open sweater, I pull him to me and lean up. I kiss him gently, because I'm still aware this is probably nothing or an experiment he's going to pull away from. We've spent all this time in a chicken match, and any moment now, he's going to pull back, admit I've called him out. He'll say I confused feelings of friendship for something else. Suddenly, I question everything about tonight.

Really, it was nothing, just a brush of the lips. As I predicted, he pulls away. He's back to staring at me, hands on my face. I can feel his rough thumbs moving against my cheeks. I'm expecting him to laugh, to congratulate me on pushing him. But his eyes… His eyes are dark and burn a trail from my eyes to my lips. As his chest continues to press against mine, each rise and fall comes quickly, as though we've been at it for much more than the second it was.

And now it's him. It's fucking him. He's pressed me against the car, and his mouth is on me, and I'm eager. I should be embarrassed, but I can't focus on anything other than his lips moving against mine.

The frantic pace we started at slows, and then Edward pulls away. Any doubt I'd had before he kissed me has evaporated. This thing I feel for him, and have for a long time, he feels it to. I suddenly feel as sure of that as I have about anything before in my life. The realization gives me confidence and spurs me on. He pulls away from, me but I follow him, kissing his jawline to his neck.

"Come back to my place." His voice, rough and desperate, whispers in my ear.

That stops me.

"Your parents' place?" Are they not home? Is this real life?

"No. My place." His smile's killing me; it's fucking radiant.

"I have to work tomorrow. Besides, I can't wait ten hours." I pull him back to me. I may scoff at his parents' place, but I'm not above the back seat. His SUV looks pretty roomy.

"No, Bella. _My_ place. It's just a few blocks from here." He stops to take in my reaction. I'm dumbstruck. "I moved to London. I moved here for you."

"Dude…" I have so many emotions moving through me right now. "If we're going to be together, we're going to need to learn how to communicate."


	30. Supernova

**And here we are, the final third of _If This... Then._ When we last saw these two they were heating things up in a movie theater parking lot. Edward suggested they take it back to his place.**

 **All my thanks and love to my team: Sri and Nic my pre-readers, and Iris, my beautiful beta.**

 _I have looked all over the place,_ _  
But you have got my favorite face.  
Your eyelashes sparkle like gilded grass  
and your lips are sweet and slippery  
Like a cherub's bare wet ass ..._

 _'Cause you're a human supernova,_  
 _A solar superman._  
 _You're an angel with wings of fire,_  
 _A flying, giant friction blast._

 _You walk in clouds of glitter_  
 _and the sun reflects your eyes._  
 _And every time the wind blows,_  
 _I can smell you in the sky._  
 _Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16_  
 _And you fuck like a volcano_  
 _and you're everything to me..._

"Supernova" Liz Phair

I leave my car in the theater parking lot. I'm not sure of the logistics of this whole thing. I'm pretty sure I know where this is heading. Do I get a cab here when we're done? Do I stay the night and ask him to drop me off in this parking lot before work? I met Jeremy when I was nineteen, so I don't know how to do this as an adult.

All my questions evaporate when I feel him tug on my hand a little as we wait for the light to change. When I turn to look at him, he leans over and quickly kisses me. He turns away, the light having turned green, and he's back to paying attention to the road.

But I'm now paying attention to him.

He's smiling that big, wide smile that radiates joy and sends my insides flying. _I_ put that smile on his face. He glances my way, and he's trying to make it seem casual, like he was just glancing in the rearview mirror, but I'm staring at him and catch him. He doesn't seem to mind that I'm unabashedly watching him. Judging by the way his smile grows even wider, I'd say he likes it. He pulls my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles gently.

If I were a girl who swooned, I'd totally be swooning right now.

Oh, my God. I think I'm swooning. He's turned me into a swooner.

There's something moving through me I don't think I've ever felt before. I don't have a word for it yet. Bliss, maybe? Whatever this is, I want to hold on to it forever. I feel like it could bubble up enough to carry me away with it. This should terrify me, but it doesn't. I want to chase this feeling of no longer having to chase Edward forever.

He's right; we weren't far from his house at all. Just after the lights, we turn right into a neighborhood I've never been in before. A few more turns, and he pulls into a driveway of a newly built home. I never thought of the possibility of him having roommates, but I assume he's renting a room here. He's looking at me a little nervously. Is this the part he tells me we have to be quiet because he doesn't want to disturb the people he lives with?

"So this is me. Just remember I'm still moving in. While I was away, I had my furniture delivered, but the place is still mostly boxes. Wait there." He lets go of my hand and gets out of the car. As I suspected, he's come around to open the door for me. "Hey." He grins as he opens the door, holding his hand out to help me.

"Hey," I say as I slide out of his SUV. He takes a step back, enough to give me room to get out, but it means we're chest to chest and he can't close the door. I wonder if I'm looking at him the way he looks at me. It makes me feel like I'm the only girl who's ever existed. It gives me the confidence to lean in and initiate another kiss before I whisper, "Take me inside." My lips brush against his at the request. I'm sure where this is going, but I don't feel nervous at all. I don't think I've ever felt more confident in my entire life. This feels so right. This time, he doesn't take my hand; he just puts his arm around me and pulls me to his side.

He unlocks the front door but doesn't open it. It's probably because I have him pressed against it. Now that I'm finally allowed, I'm a little wild for him. I think he feels the same, because he spins me around and presses me against the door. He groans and presses into me as my tongue strokes his lips. "We need to take this inside before we give my neighbors a show."

I murmur an agreement, but it still takes him a moment before he moves away from me enough to open the door.

"Remember that I just got home this morning."

It looks it. There are boxes everywhere. We slip our shoes off, and he takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen. "Can I get you a drink?" I shake my head. I'm starting to realize something.

"Do you live alone?"

He smiles. "Yeah. I bought this place when I was here in May. It was a model home, so I had the keys by the end of June."

"You didn't say anything."

"I wasn't sure… As soon as I heard from you that things weren't great with Jeremy, I decided to come back. It wasn't hard finding a job here; I start at a French immersion school in September. The hard part seemed to be telling you what I was up to."

I have a lot of questions for him, and there's so much more we need to talk about, but talking isn't what I want to do right now. I feel like we're going to have a lot of time to figure things out. I've waited too long for this moment to kill it. He bought a place and found a job here. This isn't temporary. And he's already told me, twice now, that it was for me.

"I know we have a lot to talk about." His words echo my thoughts as he approaches me. "But…" He says nothing more, his lips now busy with mine. He reaches past me and braces his hands on the wall behind me. I want them on me. I mimic my move in the parking lot, grabbing the edge of his sweater and pulling him against me, but his hands don't budge. He just bends his elbows and continues to move his lips over mine. He's a little more reserved than he was at the door and against the car. I run my hands over his chest and then around his shoulders. I break the kiss but only to move to his neck, I lick and nip, hoping to coax something out of him. He presses against me. "Bella." I run my hands from the outside of his shoulders and over his biceps. I need him to touch me. "Bella," he repeats. "If my hands come off this wall, they'll be on you, and once they're on you, they aren't coming off. I'm just about done restraining myself around you."

"I don't want you to be restrained." I pull at his arms.

"I want to be gentle with you and give you what you want, not just take from you." He pulls back a little so he can rest his forehead against mine.

I realize why he's holding back. It should be a mood killer, but it's not. Not at all. I've never been so turned on in my life. He's checking in with me, making sure I'm okay. He's asking what's okay. That thing that's moving through me? That feeling? It intensifies. I nearly have a word for it.

I pull his arm, and this time, he lets me, dropping it to my shoulder. "I know I'm with you. I want you to show me how much you want me. I want you to take from me as much as I want to take from you." I watch his eyes close as he licks his lips. I wait until he opens them before I put my hand over his and move us until my breast is under his palm. "I need…"

But he doesn't let me finish. The "you" I was going to finish my sentence with is lost to his mouth, which is back to devouring mine. I scrape my teeth gently on his bottom lip, and the resulting groan does something to me. I'm peeling his sweater from his arms and trying to back him up. I think there's a couch somewhere behind him, but we'd need to navigate through the boxes that separate us from it.

We disconnect for the moment it takes us to lift shirts over heads. I manage to utter, _"_ Couch," and Edward's reply is simply to pick me up. I wrap my legs around him, and I can feel his muscles flexing as he walks us to his living room. I can't wait to see what he looks like shirtless, but I don't want that as much as I need him in me.

He gets us there, only bumping into a few boxes in the process. He's somehow maneuvered us so he's sitting and I'm straddling him. Then my bra is off, and I'm on my back. His hands are everywhere, and his mouth follows.

I'm undoing his jeans while he licks his way across my chest to the nipple he's been teasing with his fingers.

"Fuck, Bella," he hisses as I finally wrap my fingers around his cock. "Fuck," he repeats. "I need a condom. Hold on." He pulls off of me, and I finally get a chance to look at his body. He lowers his shorts as he looks at me. Cycling's a very good sport.

"I'm going to buy a bike tomorrow."

"What?"

"Your body's a fucking work of art."

"Looking at you, I don't think there's much you can improve on, but I'm happy to take you out bike shopping. I'm looking forward to riding behind you." He winks at me before he darts off to grab a condom. It's us; it's still us. He's become my best friend, and he's about to become my lover. And we're not going to fuck this up, because even now, we can joke around with each other. I can hear him in the kitchen behind me. I undo my own shorts and start to shimmy them down my legs. "Stop. I want to do that." Edward's suddenly over me. He climbed the back of the couch and is picking up where he left off by licking his way down my stomach before leaning back and pulling my shorts with him. "God, Bella. You're perfect. I…" He says nothing more as he peels my panties down, too.

I've never felt so exposed before someone before — not physically, but this is something else. I have no time to dwell on it. He rolls on the condom and is crawling back up my body, kissing as he goes. When he plants a kiss between my legs, I can't control myself; my hands are in his hair, and my legs spread even farther apart. His tongue on my clit is heaven, but I still want more. I want so much more with him. Once again, we seem to be on the same page. He slowly moves back up, taking the time to lick and suck until his mouth is on my neck and his cock is pressing into me.

I was wrong before; _this_ is heaven.

My breath catches as he enters me. He raises himself up, away from my neck, and holds my eyes as he moves in me, tentatively at first. Nothing about me is tentative, though. My hips grind to meet his, and my hands claw at his back. I need more than what he's giving me.

"Bella… I… Fuck…" And then his mouth is on me. His hips meet mine, and his tongue moves in my mouth at the same pace as his cock is moving in me.

He shifts back onto his knees, pulling my hips with him. In this position, I can't keep up with him anymore. He thrusts into me at such a frantic pace, and then he puts his palm on me so his thumb can rub against my clit. And it's exactly what I need. I cry out as I come, and he follows.

This isn't heaven. This is everything.


	31. Girlfriend

**Thanks to my wonderful team! This wouldn't be here without their amazing support. Nic and Sri, thanks for reading this first, and Iris, my amazing beta.**

 _Don't you need to be back_

 _In the arms of a good friend?_

 _Oh, 'cause, honey, believe me_

 _I'd sure love to call you my girlfriend_

"Girlfriend" − Matthew Sweet

"I'm sorry that was fast. I swear it's a compliment." He props himself up to look down at me.

"I finished before you, remember?"

"That's right." He lowers his head again to kiss me. "Next time, I'm hoping you'll get to finish a few times before I do. Just give me half an hour or so, and I'll make good on that." He kisses me once more and then gets up. I'm a little disappointed when he pulls his boxers up. "I'm just going to get cleaned up. I'll be right back." He leans down and kisses me one last time.

When I hear what I assume is the bathroom door close down the hall, I give myself permission to do a little happy dance. I did it — _it_ — with Edward Cullen. Finally! And it was amazing. More than amazing. I get up and quickly search for my clothes. My panties are in one direction, and my bra's in another. I'm just getting it fastened when Edward reappears. He stops and looks at me, that big smile somehow even bigger. He says nothing as he watches me fasten it.

I'm a little uncomfortable under his intense gaze and suddenly nervous about my near nudity in the middle of his living room, so I look around at anything but him. "Um… Do you know where my shirt is?"

"Fuck, you're beautiful." I can tell he's making no effort to look for my top.

I'm about to make a self-deprecating remark and point out he's the beautiful one in the room, or maybe remind him I've put on some weight since high school, but he's not looking at me like he's disgusted I have a soft belly now. Whatever the opposite of that look is, that's the one Edward's wearing. I keep my mouth shut. The way he's looking at me? I believe him.

* * *

Edward was pretty confident this date was going to end up here. Maybe not with me half naked at his breakfast bar, but he made sure he had some wine in the fridge. He's just ordered us some Vietnamese takeout, and I think we're both trying to behave so we're decent when the delivery guy gets here. But the truth is that I'd like to pull him onto the countertop and have my way with him. I wonder if the reason why he's standing on the other side of the counter from me is because he doesn't trust himself any more than I trust myself.

"My mom swears this is the best pho she's ever had," he tells me as he pours the wine. "And since you're sitting across from me in my shirt and little else, I'm going to trust her judgment a lot more than I used to."

"I'm not sure how those two things are related." I smile at him and tilt my head, questioningly.

"My mom and your friend, Rose, meddled quite a bit to get us together. Don't you remember it was my mom who gave me your contact info?"

"She said you asked for it."

"She told me she'd been working with you long before then. She remembered you, although she didn't let on. She knew all about what you were to me back in the day."

This is new information. I want to ask him more about what I was to him back in the day, but there's a more pressing concern.

"So you didn't want to get a hold of me?"

"Oh, no!" He reaches across and grabs my arm to emphasize his point. "I did. I asked for your contact information when you first started working with Mom, but she told me she wasn't passing it on while you had a boyfriend. I think she was looking out for my heart a little."

"Why did she eventually cave? I had a boyfriend until very recently."

"She found out from Rose he wasn't good enough for you. Sorry. Their words. But I'm going to go ahead and agree. Mom thought it was time for me to get in touch. I don't think she thought it would take us this long to pull our heads out of our asses, though."

I laugh along with him. If I'd have known last year where this was going, I would have done so many things differently. But even as I think that, I realize how good it was to become friends again with Edward first. I have some things to work out, even still, but I get the feeling Edward's willing to be patient with me. This thought sobers me up a little. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure things out, but I think you needed some time to figure out things for yourself, too."

And then Edward laughs again, but it's less jovial this time. "You don't know how right you are." He says nothing but starts to tap on the edge of his wine glass. He looks like he's contemplating something. I stay nothing else, just in case he needs time.

"So, here's the thing. I'm a shitty boyfriend. I know that's all you've seen of me."

I can't dispute that.

"And we'll talk about this another time, but what you've seen with Tanya and Brie isn't how I can be. I know this for a fact. With Tanya, I was a dumb kid. The thing with Brie was a reaction. A few heartbreaks can turn a good guy into an asshole if he's not paying attention, and I wasn't. One of the guys I was cycling with is a therapist, and during our trip, he helped me out with a lot of things."

This shocks me. I know the kinds of things therapy has helped me to deal with. I wonder what Edward needed help with. "What do you mean Brie was a reaction?"

Edward shrugs. "I was with someone for quite a while before her. It turns out she wasn't the person I thought she was."

I'm not ready to go into past people with Edward, yet. I want to focus on the future.

He opens his mouth, like he's going to keep going, but then hesitates. "Do you mind if we talk about that another day? I'm not saying I want to keep it to myself, but I want to focus on you, on us, right now."

My stomach flips at the way he says us. There's an us, an Edward and Bella. His eyes fill with a fire as he looks at me, like he felt something too at the idea of us. He leans over the counter, and I lean in to meet him halfway. The doorbell rings, halting whatever was going to get started.

Actually, I think I know what was going to get started. It's been more than half an hour since Edward and I got up from the couch.

* * *

Elizabeth was right again; this pho's amazing. But what's even better is the person I'm sharing it with. The heavy areas our conversation was heading into are lightened up while we eat. He's telling me about his trip and the favorite places he cycled through. He stops suddenly, his chopsticks hanging in the air. "Bellac really was beautiful." His voice has changed; it's softer, huskier. I swear there's a slight pink taking up residence on his cheeks.

"I loved the picture you sent me." It's the first time I've had the chance to thank him.

"I wasn't sure if it was too much. It was a pretty bold gesture."

I smile, because it was, but it was just what I needed. "I think I need bold when it comes to you. I spent my life playing this false logic game with you. I thought fate would figure it all out for me. If you did this, then this is how you felt. Going forward, I'm going to try and leave that game in the dirt. If I'm unsure, I'll ask. I won't try to divine anymore."

"Bella?" Edward puts his takeout box down and looks at me, the fire back in his eyes. "If you put down that food, I'm going to kiss you."

I practically drop my box on the counter.

"If I kiss you, then I'm not going to stop at your lips."

He's making his way around the counter. I like the If This… Then game the way Edward plays it a lot more than when I do it on my own.

"If I'm kissing you like that, then I'm taking you to my bed. And If I'm taking you to my bed, then I want you to stay the night."

He's in front of me now, holding my face in his hands.

"Stay the night, Bella?" He doesn't kiss me. He's waiting for an answer.

"Yes." It's not snappy or even the grammatically correct response, but with the way he's looking at me right now, I'm lost. I'd agree to anything.

* * *

Edward's made good on his promise to kiss me everywhere, and while he teased and explored with his mouth, he also made good on his promise that I'd finish a few times before he came again. This has been the best twelve hours of my life, and I don't want our time to end. It's still early in the morning, and Edward's asleep beside me. I drag myself out of bed to grab my phone. I don't know if Edward has plans today, but I'd like to spend more time with him. I ignore a bunch of texts from Rose and send a quick text to my manager to let him know I won't be in. We're not very busy right now, and I have a bank of stored vacation time, so I know it won't be a problem. I grab the cord I always keep in my purse and plug my phone in before I head back upstairs to Edward's room.

When I get there, he's up and sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.

"Hey." I'm going to comment on the fact he's up, but that's lame. Of course he knows he's up.

"You're still here?" Apparently Edward's okay with commenting on the obvious. I'm about to joke about this when I notice the expression on his face; he's relieved. "I woke up and thought you'd left in the middle of the night. I was starting to brood a little." He looks at me sheepishly. "I thought you'd panicked, or that I'd done something wrong." He reaches out to me, but instead of taking his hand, I straddle his lap. He's still naked, and I only have a shirt on. When he feels me hot and wet against him, he lets out a low groan and pulls me closer to him.

I kiss his neck, because I can't be this close to him and not kiss him. "No I just sent my boss a message telling him I wouldn't be in today." My teeth lightly pull on his ear, and he grabs my hips. He rocks me along the length of his erection.

"Amazing. I've just got to call a buddy. He was going to come by in about an hour to help me unpack." I continue to kiss and nip as my hips roll against him. Everything he says sounds normal, but his voice is strained, like he's fighting to keep control. I want him to lose it. "Just let me call him and cancel. Don't move." He adds the last bit as he leans over to grab his phone from the bedside table.

I kiss him until the phone rings, but then I get an idea. I'm off him quickly and on my knees before I change my mind.

He makes a strangled sound as I lick my way up his erection. I'm watching his response, and his eyes bulge just a little as I take him in my mouth.

"Hey, Matt. It's Edward."

His eyes close tight in concentration as I slowly make my way down his cock. He pauses, but I'm not sure if it's a response to what my tongue is doing as I take more and more of him into my mouth.

"I'm good. Sorry if it's too early."

I hesitate when I realize it's because he's actually talking to his friend and not just leaving a message. Edward senses my hesitation, so he puts his hand lightly on the back of my head and nods his own. His eyes are still shut.

"Yeah. Change of plans. I don't need you to come by today."

He moves his hand off my head, but I stop him. He bites his lip, and his head falls back slightly. He seems to like the idea of controlling me.

"No, no. Everything's fine."

His hand encourages me to move, so my tongue swirls over his cock as I pull back.

"No, man. It's just…" He pauses briefly when I get to his tip and put my hand on his, urging him to set the pace. I've never done this before, but I trust Edward.

"It's just that my girlfriend's going to come over and…" He pauses again while I let out a moan around his cock.

 _His girlfriend._

"Yeah, man. No. I'll talk to you about it later. Okay. Gotta go. Bye." He rushes out the last part and slams the phone onto the bed. "Oh, my God, Bella! Yes!"

* * *

It's mid-morning by the time we get out of bed to find breakfast. Our hunger's well and truly earned. Edward may have been prepared to have me over after our date, but it's obvious he wasn't ready to have me overnight. His coffeemaker, along with most of his kitchen, is still in boxes. He left me here to go grab us breakfast. I'm using the time to read through the series of texts from Rose.

 _Hi, Bella. I'm going to bed. I'm waking you up in the morning so I can have details before I go to work._

 _Hey, Bella. it's just after midnight. You aren't here, yet. I hope this means things are going well._

 _Okay. It's after 3:00am. Things must be going well. Don't stay out too late. I'm still waking you up for details!_

 _BELLA! It's morning, and you haven't been home yet! You dirty girl. I'm stopping by your office with coffee, and we're going for a walk. I NEED details now!_

 _I went to your work, and they said you called in sick. You've never called in sick. Glad you're finally getting your vitamin D. CALL ME!_

I figure I have enough time to give Rose a quick call before Edward gets back.

"Bella! Details now!" Rose doesn't even bother with a hello.

"Rose, I've had so much Vitamin D, I don't think I'll ever walk straight again!"


	32. Hey

**Hello wonderful readers, if any of you are still out there. Sorry about my prolonged absence, I've been struggling with some wicked writers block. I know where these guys are going, but man, the words to get them there just dried up.**

 **This starts with the end of the last chapter, just in case you forgot what was going on.**

 **A big thanks to Sri and Nic. They read this first and make sure I'm on track.**

 **Extra special thanks to Iris, she beta'd this thing lickity split so I could post it before I head out into the wild.**

* * *

 _Hey_

 _Been trying to meet you_

 _Hey_

 _Must be a devil between us_

 _Or whores in my head_

 _Whores at my door_

 _Whores in my bed_

 _But hey_

 _Where have you been?_

 _If you go I will surely die_

 _We're chained_

"Hey" - The Pixies

It's mid-morning by the time we get out of bed to find breakfast. Our hunger's well and truly earned. Edward may have been prepared to have me over after our date, but it's obvious he wasn't ready to have me overnight. His coffeemaker, along with most of his kitchen, is still in boxes. He left me here to go grab us breakfast. I'm using the time to read through the series of texts from Rose.

 _Hi, Bella. I'm going to bed. I'm waking you up in the morning so I can have details before I go to work._

 _Hey, Bella. it's just after midnight. You aren't here, yet. I hope this means things are going well._

 _Okay. It's after 3:00am. Things must be going well. Don't stay out too late. I'm still waking you up for details!_

 _BELLA! It's morning, and you haven't been home yet! You dirty girl. I'm stopping by your office with coffee, and we're going for a walk. I NEED details now!_

 _I went to your work, and they said you called in sick. You've never called in sick. Glad you're finally getting your vitamin D. CALL ME!_

I figure I have enough time to give Rose a quick call before Edward gets back.

"Bella! Details now!" Rose doesn't even bother with a hello.

"Rose, I've had so much Vitamin D, I don't think I'll ever walk straight again!"

That's when I hear the keys drop behind me. Of course. Of fucking course he's behind me to hear that.

"Okay, Rose. I gotta go. Talk to you later. I'll see you at home tonight!" I say, racing through my parting. Apparently undecided on how to get off the phone with Rose, I go through a bunch of possibilities.

"Oh, my God. He walked in behind you, didn't he?" Rose is laughing—maybe even dying, by the sound of it.

"Yup."

"Okay, my little freak. I'll let you get back to it. Don't worry about hurrying home." Her laughing stops, and she pauses. "Bella, I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks, Rose. I'm really happy, too. We'll talk about you meddling in my life later." I'm the one laughing now. I could kiss her for whatever part she's had in bringing us together.

I hang up the phone to find Edward still smirking away behind me, likely still amused at what he heard me say to Rose. His hands are full, with coffee and breakfast and a joke of his own.

"You're laughing at me, but you're standing there with two cups of coffee and a can of coke, so I'm not the only one making dick jokes today."

He's fully laughing now, but so am I. I've never felt like this in my whole life.

"Were you serious last night when you said you wanted to buy a bike?" he asks as we settle down.

"I said I wanted to buy a bike?" I'm trying to recall at what point I would've blurted that out.

Edward runs his hands through his hair. "Um… Yeah. When we were undressing, you mentioned you wanted to buy a bike. I think you were joking around, but if you wanted, we could go look at some this afternoon. I'd love to help you buy a bike."

He's a little nervous, and suddenly, I get it. Cycling's something that's important to Edward. He wants to share it with me, but he doesn't want to be _that guy_ , the one I just left.

"I'd love for you to take me bike shopping."

* * *

"Oh, my God, Rose. My _ass_."

She's laughing at me from her couch. "I thought you didn't do anal."

"Okay. You're hilarious," I deadpan.

"And yet, you're the one standing in my living room in spandex." She tries but can't keep a straight face.

"I bought a bike."

"I see that." She gestures to the bike that's propped in the hall behind me.

"I rode the bike home. It's only two and a half miles, but after last night… Oh, God, Rose." I sink down on the couch beside her.

"I can't believe you bought a bike after being with him for less than a day. You're pretty smitten, eh?"

I nod. I am. And this was maybe crazy.

"I really like Edward, and I know he means something to you, but just don't get lost in him, okay?"

* * *

The plan was for me to ride home, shower, and pack an overnight bag. Edward was going to drive my car over, and then we'd go back to his place. I should've had enough time to be ready for him, but a chat with Rose and then taking way too long to think about things in the shower have left me scrambling to get ready. I can hear the timber of his voice chatting with Rose, and every now and then, I hear one of them laugh. It puts me a little more at ease. Jeremy never got along with Rose. They never felt comfortable around each other. Edward just seems to fit so seamlessly into my life.

I don't bother to blow-dry my hair. I can't wait to get back to Edward.

"Hey." It's our official greeting now.

I practically skid to a stop. I thought we'd just be going back to his place to do more unpacking, but based on how he's dressed, I'm very wrong. "You're in a suit."

"I am."

He offers no explanation and just smiles at me.

"Are we not going back to your place, then?"

"Eventually." The smile's getting a little too smirky. He knows he's being an ass.

"Ugh. You're so infuriating! It's a good thing…" I hesitate, because words I'm not really ready to say nearly spill out. "It's a good thing you're so hot." Edward doesn't seem to notice anything, but I can tell Rose caught what I nearly said. Her eyes are wide with shock.

"Come on, Bella. I'll help you get a little more presentable than your current cut-offs and tank top." Rose struggles off the couch, her beautiful baby belly making things a little more awkward than normal for her.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

"But how will I know what to wear?"

"I know. I'll make sure you're dressed appropriately." Rose replies instead of Edward, taking me by the arm and guiding me to the guest bedroom I'm currently borrowing. Jeremy and I sold our house quickly. The money I made on it, along with what I had in savings, allowed me to make a sizable down payment on a one-bedroom apartment in this same building. I'll be out of here just in time for Rose to turn it into a nursery.

"You love him," Rose states as she hands me my favorite dress; a simple, retro-style halter top with polka dots.

"It's been a day."

"It's been years."

I shrug, because I don't know what to say. But I think maybe she's right.

* * *

The restaurant choice is perfect. We're on the patio of a tiny Italian bistro. It's the prettiest patio I've ever seen, with string lights and intimate tables. Though the place is packed, I feel like we're the only two people in the world.

"I've always wanted to come here," I confess over my risotto.

"I _may_ have known that." It's his turn to confess.

"Rose?"

He nods in confirmation. "I've had the reservation for weeks. I made it the minute I found out you were single."

"Your mom told you to bring me here?" I'm a little confused about the timeline of Edward learning of my breakup.

"No. She told me you were single. I sent Rose an email asking for suggestions of where to take you. Wait." He pauses and grabs my free hand across the table. "You aren't disappointed that I didn't come up with this on my own, are you? Because I promise that the rest of the date is all my idea."

I shake my head, a little too moved to answer right away. "No," I finally manage. "I'm not disappointed at all. I can't believe you went to all that trouble while you were on vacation."

"Trust me. It wasn't any trouble at all. Once I knew you were single, I couldn't wait to get home, and based on her email back to me, I think Rose felt the same way."

"I can only imagine."

"The gist of it was to not fuck this up."

"Yeah. That sounds about right."

We look at each other, our hands still together. I'm expecting him to laugh or at least smirk at Rose's warning, but he's so serious. I'm wondering if he's thinking about the same things I am: all the time, all the wrong people, all the things we had to learn, and all the things we had to go through before it was our time.

* * *

If I was impressed by his restaurant choice, I'm positively swooning at what's come after. We're sitting in a small lecture hall, listening to a sweet, old man tell us what we're going to observe later through the telescope above us. It's my perfect geeky date. Jeremy would never do Italian food and learning. Edward, on the other hand, has been super nervous since we pulled up to the university. After watching him fidget through the lecture, I decide to call him on it on our way up the stairs.

"What's up?"

"Hmm?" He turns to look at me, "What do you mean?"

"You seem nervous."

"I am." He says nothing long enough to make me think that's all he's going to say. We take a couple more steps before he leans down and whispers in my ear. "This is my idea of a perfect date. I'm hoping you enjoy it."

The combination of his breath down my neck and his nervous revelation sends my stomach into a flurry. They don't settle down as I watch him with the telescope. He's like a kid; unbridled enthusiasm at the unknown. Every time he looks, he has more questions for our guide. When it's my turn, he puts his hand on my lower back and whispers his own commentary about what I'm viewing. I'm melting. Being with him is so much more than I imagined it would be.

* * *

I can't keep my hands off him while we walk to the car.

"You look amazing tonight. I'm not sure I've told you that enough." He's pretty handsy with me, too. It's a good thing the Boy Scout troop that made up the rest of the viewing gallery went in the other direction.

"Are you going to look this great every time we go out?" I stop and pull him in front of me. "Because I can barely keep this suit on you. It's quite the dilemma. You look so freaking hot in it that I want to get you out of it."

"I just want," he begins, kissing me lightly, "to be worthy of you."

In this moment, there's a vulnerability to him. I recognize it because I feel it, too.

"Ditto," I manage to breathe out before he's kissing me again.

Tonight, when we're together, it's different. It's not the same frantic pace as the night before. We don't stop kissing. This feeling is almost too much. I can't get close enough to him.

* * *

August 24th

I open Edward's garage and lift my bike onto the hooks he's installed for me to store it on when I stay over, which has been most nights in the nine days we've been together. This is only the third time I've ridden to work, though. Until my ass gets used to the saddle, I'm only riding every other day. The ride to work isn't so bad, but I'm a sweaty mess coming home. I close the garage door and peel my shirt off as I enter the house.

"Hey!" I call into the house. "Fancy a quickie in the shower before your party tonight?" Edward's invited some local friends and his family over to see the new place.

And to meet me.

"Hey, classy lady," he calls to me as he enters the little hall I'm standing half dressed in. "We have company."

He's a little off, maybe because I'm standing in my bra and have announced to whoever's here that I'd like to get laid before they're supposed to show up. Before I have time to put my shirt back on, there she is, vaguely familiar and standing behind Edward.

"Hello." She steps forward and reaches her hand out to me. "I'm Edward's cousin, Vanessa. Bella, I've heard so many wonderful things about you."

And before I have time to process where I've seen her before and why it's important that Edward's cousin is introducing herself to me, there he is.

Jake.


	33. Ice Cream

**Hello! It's me, I hope you're all still out there.**

 **Big thanks to my team: Sri and Nic who read this first, and Iris who cleans it up and makes it readable. They've really been above and beyond lately. This writer's block a bitch, and these guys talk me through it.**

Your love is better than ice cream

Better than anything else that I've tried

And your love is better than ice cream

Everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down

It's a long way down

It's a long way down to the place

Where we started from

"Ice Cream" – Sarah McLachlan

Last time…

 _ **August 24th**_

 _I open Edward's garage and lift my bike onto the hooks he's installed for me to store it on when I stay over, which has been most nights in the nine days we've been together. This is only the third time I've ridden to work, though. Until my ass gets used to the saddle, I'm only riding every other day. The ride to work isn't so bad, but I'm a sweaty mess coming home. I close the garage door and peel my shirt off as I enter the house._

" _Hey!" I call into the house. "Fancy a quickie in the shower before your party tonight?" Edward's invited some local friends and his family over to see the new place._

 _And to meet me._

" _Hey, classy lady," he calls to me as he enters the little hall I'm standing half dressed in. "We have company."_

 _He's a little off, maybe because I'm standing in my bra and have announced to whoever's here that I'd like to get laid before they're supposed to show up. Before I have time to put my shirt back on, there she is, vaguely familiar and standing behind Edward._

" _Hello." She steps forward and reaches her hand out to me. "I'm Edward's cousin, Vanessa. Bella, I've heard so many wonderful things about you."_

 _And before I have time to process where I've seen her before and why it's important that Edward's cousin is introducing herself to me, there he is._

 _Jake._

I'm standing in my bra in front of Jake and his wife.

And Edward, who's now _my_ Edward and looking pretty sheepish.

I know Jake and Vanessa were invited, but the last I heard, they couldn't come. Obviously, that's changed, because they're here. I'm a sweaty mess in my bra and should probably say something.

"Hi. l'd shake hands, but…" I gesture at myself. "…I'd rather go have a shower." Oh, God. Was that rude? Do I care? At least this is a nice bra, and I know my rack's amazing. Just about everyone here has seen it, anyway. "I promise I'll be much more presentable in twenty minutes, and then we can do proper introductions."

"Of course. We just surprised Edward a few minutes ago. This is all our bad." Vanessa smiles and moves out of the way.

I head up to the bedroom, and I can hear Edward excusing himself and following me. I feel like I should be mad, but I'm not. It was such a long time ago that Jake was anything to me. There's a me from long ago that would imagine this meeting in which I'm happy and have the upper hand, while he grovels and cries about what he let go. But I'm not her anymore. I wish I'd been a little more dressed when I ran into him again, but I'm also happier than I've ever thought possible.

And the reason for that happiness is closing the door behind me.

"I'm so sorry. I called and left a message to warn you, but you were already heading home. I'm—"

"Edward, stop. It's okay. I knew I'd have to run into Jake one day. He's married to your cousin. We've already talked about that."

"So, here's the thing. Jake and Vanessa knew they were coming to meet my new girlfriend, but I never had a chance to tell Jake that the Bella I was dating was you. Vanessa knew, but I asked her not to say anything to Jake until I had the chance. He got home from his conference a day earlier than expected, and that's why they decided to come to London tonight."

"Oh." Now the doubt creeps in.

"Stuff happened between me and Jake that you and I haven't talked about, yet, and this moment isn't the time to get into it. But I wanted to tell him face to face. I wanted to tell him what you mean to me."

The look on his face erases anything negative I may have been feeling. "Oh." I repeat, softer this time. I have an idea how he feels for me.

It's how I feel about him.

We stare at each other for a moment, and I'm not sure what to say to him. The first time I say what I _want_ to say, I don't want to be the hot mess I currently am.

His lips part, like _he's_ going to say something, but he hesitates. "Go take a shower." He nods to the bathroom door. "I don't think I'm going to be able to take you up on the quickie you offered, but I'll bring you some towels." He leans down and kisses me quickly, stopping any chance I have to make a smart-ass comeback.

He takes a while to get the towels, so I'm already undressed and in the shower before I hear him knock on the door. He's so respectful that it's adorable.

"Come in!" I yell over the spray.

"Hey. They're fresh from the dryer. I'll just hang them on the back of the door."

"I love you." My hand flies to my mouth. What have I done?

Edward laughs an awkward laugh. "You're welcome."

Oh, my God. But now that it's out there, I don't want him to think I'm throwing it around because he brought me dryer-fresh towels. I open the shower curtain a little so I can look at him. He doesn't notice because he's facing away from me, looking down, while his hands play with the back of his neck. He's nervous.

"I know you like them a little warm from the dryer, so I put them in so they'd be ready for you when—"

"Edward, I'm in love with you."

That grabs his attention.

"I'm sorry if that's too early for you to hear…" Now I'm the nervous one, but he's shaking his head.

"No. It's not too early. Say it again." He takes a step toward me.

"I love you." With his next step, he's pushing the shower curtain aside and in the shower with me.

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear that from you. I'm so fucking in love with you, Bella."

I can't say anything in return because his mouth is moving against mine. He spins me so I'm pressed up against the tiles, and then he's frantic and urgent against me. He breaks off the kiss and holds my face. "I love you, and I'm so sorry it took so long for you to hear that."

I haven't ever wanted anything more than I want Edward right now, but the offer of shower sex is a bit of a joke since it's something we've tried but found too awkward to actually get to the sex part. That isn't stopping me now, though, as I peel off Edward's wet shirt.

"Hey," he says between kisses. "As much as I want you right now, I want to take my time and we've got guests arriving downstairs."

* * *

I finish my shower with Edward's wet clothes piled in the corner. When I get downstairs, he's the first to greet me, his hair still damp from the shower. He kisses my cheek and whispers "I love you" quietly in my ear before pulling away. It's a good thing he keeps his arm around me because I'm positively weak in the knees. "Come to the backyard. My parents, Rose, and Em just showed up.

"Is Jake still alive?" I may not hold grudges, but I can't say the same for Rose.

"He's fine. I think he's still getting over the shock of us together, so he hasn't even noticed Rose's glares, yet.

Vanessa's the first to notice us. This is the cousin Edward used to visit in Montreal. They're the same age, and he thinks of her like a sister—that much I know—but where Edward's a little shy, she's the opposite.

"Bella! Now I can finally hug you! You've been a hard secret to keep!" She quickly makes good on her promise to embrace me, but Edward keeps his arm firmly around my waist so it's even more awkward than it needs to be. "Good shower?" She winks at me as she messes with Edward's hair. I notice his ears turn pink, and I fall a little more.

"The best," I reply. It's hard not to like Vanessa. I imagine she's a force with Jake; they're both so outgoing, and if I weren't his ex, I'd even describe him as likable.

He's avoiding us. I'm certain of it. I wonder what it feels like to know you were such a shit to people and they're happy anyway. I'm grateful now. It's much better that Jake was the practice boyfriend instead of Edward. I wasn't innocent in the demise of mine and Jake's relationship. I was jealous, and given how he'd wooed me, I hated any female friend he had. I was unsure of how to be in a relationship, and the model I'd grown up with was far from healthy. In the beginning, Jake had been patient. It's not easy to lose your virginity to a girl who sometimes had flashbacks to the wrong hands touching her. We ended terribly, but if I'd had been with Edward, we wouldn't have made it past high school, either. We certainly wouldn't have this.

We've now made our way around to most of the guests. I've only moved from Edward's arms to hold Alice's sweet new boy, William. For the first time in my life, I can actually imagine motherhood, and when Edward takes a turn with William, he coos and cuddles him in a way that makes me think he's a natural dad.

"Are you ready to put Jake out of his misery?" Edward leans in to ask the question, but he also flicks my earlobe with his tongue. He's driving me wild.

"I don't think I'm supposed to tell you I've kind of been enjoying watching him struggle tonight."

"No. You can tell me. I've enjoyed it, too." He winks conspiratorially at me. "Fucker has it coming to him." Edward pauses and then adds, "Even if he's my friend now."

We approach Jake together. He sees us coming and steps away from the friends he's talking to. For a moment, we stand together, but nobody says anything. It's Edward who finally breaks the silence.

"Jake, I'm sure you remember my girlfriend, Bella."

"Of course." He turns to me and extends his hand. "Bella." We shake hands, and then we go back to awkward silence. Jake finally turns to Edward. "So, Bella? I'm happy for you man!" He embraces Edward in one of those dude hugs.

I'll never get boys.

* * *

I leave Edward and Jake to get caught up. I'm about to steal William from Alice for a little, because cuddling a baby seems like a pretty good way to pass the time, but it's Vanessa that catches me on the way to Alice.

"So you finally put my boy out of his misery?"

"Which boy is that?" I'm purposely obtuse.

Vanessa just laughs.

"Well, maybe both of them, but I meant Jake."

"Yeah. If he was miserable being ignored by me, I guess I fixed that."

"I think he was. He feels bad about what he did to Edward back in the day."

I wasn't sure if Vanessa knew the whole extent of our story, but she apparently does. I'm just not sure whose version she knows as the truth.

We make it to the coolers together, and she hands me a beer. "I was Edward's sounding board back when we were all kids. I knew then what was going on. I guess it worked out for all of us in the end, though." She clinks the neck of out bottles together. "For all his faults, my Jake's only been punched twice, and Edward's the one who did the punching."

Now that's news to me. I can't imagine Edward being in a fight, and honestly, I can't believe Jake's only been punched twice. Vanessa must see the look on my face and reads me correctly.

"Yeah. It surprises me, too. When Edward found out Jake and I were dating, he clocked him right in front of our entire family. It was pretty amusing. I guess I shouldn't have been all that surprised. I knew about Edward and Jake's first brawl. I'm so glad I get to meet the cause of that one."

"Edward and Jake fought _before_ their fight over you?" I remember Edward alluded to things not being good between him and Jake in the early days of Vanessa.

"Of course they did! Don't you know? Edward beat the shit out of Jake when he broke up with you. It's the reason their band broke up."

Even more new information. As soon as Jake and I were done, I was done with everyone, but I saw their band that one time after our breakup.

"I don't think they fought about me. I saw their show after our breakup. It must've been a different girl."

Vanessa laughs. "As if. No. You should ask Edward about it. After that show, something happened between them. Edward end up beating the shit out of Jake. Apparently, it was quite the show."

I remember the show and Edward sitting outside with me after but not saying a word. I guess he expressed everything he needed to all on Jake's face.

I need to confirm these tidbits that Vanessa's dropped, but I don't find Edward for a while. I've just said goodnight to Jasper, Alice, and William when Edward stops me at the front door. He turns me and presses me against it. As my head softly thumps against it, I forget there's probably a reason I shouldn't beg Edward to take me here and now.

"I've missed you," he whispers as his tongue flicks over my neck.

"Oh, God," I moan, not asking him the questions I need answers to.

And then he's off me, and I follow him back to the party.

This is how most of the night goes. I follow Edward from group to group and make small talk before he finds a spot in the shadows to molest me. It's intoxicating. I don't have a chance to ask him about his fight with Jake. Elizabeth finally breaks us up. She asks Edward to find his dad while she simultaneously drags me to the kitchen for help with something. I can't remember what exactly. I may be a little drunk on Edward and the three beers I've had.

"So… You and my son, eh?" she asks as she pulls things from the fridge.

"From what I've heard, you and Rose had some influence there."

"Guilty." She holds her hands up in surrender. "But I wouldn't change a thing." She smiles at me. "I've never seen either one of you happier."

* * *

Eventually, the guests depart, and I cash in on his advances. After the last guest leaves, I take him in the hallway.

He's in my mouth before his pants hit the floor. His hand fists in my hair, and I take him as he thrusts into my mouth, running my tongue along his cock and moaning against him.

All his teasing tonight has done this to me.

He pushes me off him. "Up," he commands, roughly pulling me up and along his body. His tongue pushes into me as he backs me into his kitchen and then against the back of his couch. He bites my lip as he kisses me. "Over," he directs, turning me away from him and pushing me over the back of the couch. He pulls my pants and panties down at the same time, and he enters me with his hands on my hips, making me cry out.

It's messy. It's a little dirty. This isn't the making love I'd imagined after we finally confessed our feelings. This is more. This is claiming what is ours.


	34. Just Breathe

**Thanks to my wonderful pre-readers, Nic and Sri. And to my darling beta, Iris. They go above and beyond with their duties. Their encouragement, conversations, and gentle pokes are really helping my through this writer's block.**

 **There will be an outtake of that time Edward punched Jake posted separately, make sure you have me on alert if your interested in it.**

I wonder everyday

As I look upon your face, uh huh

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take, uh huh

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

"Just Breathe" – Pearl Jam

We're having a lazy Saturday afternoon after the party. I'm reading on one end of the couch while Edward plays his guitar. It's pretty homey. I love it. But it's time to have some questions answered.

"Hey… Tell me about the time you beat up Jake."

His next chord's a dissonant mess, a comical exclamation point to my question.

"Let me guess. Vanessa?"

I nod, eager to hear the story.

"Vanessa did her master's at Western, so she lived with my parents for the year. I came home for a visit when she graduated, and she showed up to her graduation party holding Jake's hand. I walked up to them and punched him."

"But why?"

"I thought she could do better." He shrugs like it's no big deal.

Obviously, he doesn't want me to know about the other fight he had with Jake, but that's the one I'm interested in.

"But you guys were friends, right? That seems pretty extreme."

"Oh, yeah." He puts the guitar down and looks away from me. "Jake and I didn't talk after…" He pauses. "…high school."

"After high school or after your _first_ fight?"

"Vanessa has a big fucking mouth," he mumbles as he shifts to face me. With a big sigh, he starts talking. "Do you remember that night you came out to see our band?"

I nod as I wince, because I do, and I'm embarrassed. I clearly remember Edward sitting beside me while I cried.

"Well…" He trails off in thought, clearly figuring out what he wants to say. "Do you remember that big fight you and Jake had in the cafeteria when you broke up with him?"

"Which one? If I remember correctly, there were a few." The last little while with Jake, we were constantly fighting and breaking up with each other.

"The last one, the one over Jane, because you thought he was cheating."

"Yeah. That was pretty much confirmed when they went public a few weeks later—a week after he dumped me for the last time."

"Yeah, well… I found out he _was_ cheating on you. I didn't handle it too well."

"But why did you care? We weren't even friends at that point."

Edward cocks his head to one side and looks at me in disbelief.

"We weren't friends because you were with Jake. I told you he'd called dibs on you, and you chose him. I wasn't interested in being your friend after that."

"Oh." It's dawning on me that Edward may have had feelings for me while I was with Jake.

"Jake and I have obviously dealt with it, but he did some pretty underhanded shit to get you to choose him… stuff I didn't even really clue into until after. I was a dumb kid and took everything people said to me at face value. I thought you liked me, but then you were suddenly dating Jake. I had this moment of clarity when I figured out how he'd manipulated us, and then he just cheated on you anyway. I was pissed."

"So you punched him?"

"Yeah, I punched him. Our band broke up. End of story. Then he showed up a few years later, and it turns out I still wasn't over it. The last thing I thought Vanessa needed was a guy like Jake. Turns out a girl like Vanessa was exactly what Jake needed… Wait. I'm sorry if that hurt you."

"Hurt me? Why would it hurt me?"

"Because things ended so badly with you and Jake. I didn't want it to seem like you weren't enough for someone… because you're everything to me."

Gah! How can one guy be so perfect? "So you hit him for me? I think I owe you." I nudge his thigh with my toe.

"I have a question for you." He misses—or ignores—my overture. "Did you really go to the movies with some other guy when you were with Jake?"

I wish the memory were fuzzy, but I remember that date clearly. I used the guy to give Jake a taste of his own medicine. It was pretty low.

"Not while we were together, but in that little in between, just before we broke up for good. We were so on and off the last few months. I'd break up with him, or he'd break up with me. I just thought that kind of passion was how it was supposed to be. You have no idea what my parents were like growing up."

"You ever cheat on anyone?" Edward looks at me intently.

"Define cheat."

Edward winces and pulls away a little. It's subtle, but I catch it. I remember him telling me Brie was a reaction to a broken heart, and I put two and two together.

"It's just that I think… Maybe a little on Jeremy… with you."

Edward nods and sighs, and I think it's in relief.

"Fair enough. Maybe you're right."

"Edward, I fell in love with you while I was with someone else. That's pretty shady."

To my surprise, he laughs. "You're right. We were pretty shady. At least once we figured out our feelings, we ended things."

"Yeah… Wait. Didn't you end things with Brie before Christmas?"

"I did, when I figured out how I felt about you."

"It's been that long?"

"So, us as the exception, you've never cheated?" he asks, not-so-subtly changing the subject.

I shake my head.

Then something dawns on me. "Oh, my God. Have you cheated?"

"No!" Edward recoils. "But like you, I've been cheated on. I swore I'd never be with a cheater again."

"Are you going to make an exception for me?"

"Just so you know, I don't consider you a cheater. Maybe a little dense about your feelings, but not a cheater." He winks at me as he says it to take the sting out of his words. "But I don't think you deliberately cheated on Jeremy. It just took you forever to figure yourself out."

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Not really, but since we're going over our pasts, this is a pretty big part of mine."

I wait for him to continue and feel a little heartbroken for him already.

"So," he takes a deep breath. "The reason I never came home from Montreal after I was done with school wasn't just because I'd found work there; it was because I'd met someone. We were together for a while, and I thought things were good…" He trails off and looks at me. He's nervous about this, but what can he say that he has to be nervous about? "Then she got pregnant."

Whoa. That's it.

I say nothing, because there's obviously more to the story. Edward's never mentioned having a kid, and I can't see him being a shitty dad.

"Turns out the baby wasn't mine." He shrugs like it's no big deal, but his expression betrays him. "She'd been banging her boss for the better part of a year. She thought she'd come clean, but we had to wait until the baby was born to know for sure."

"Did you stay with her while she was pregnant?"

"Fuck no." He shudders. "It was nine months of little contact. I wasn't even there when the baby was born. Don't get me wrong. If the baby had been mine, I would've wanted to be involved. I just didn't want anything to do with her. The test results were a huge relief."

Holy shit. Poor Edward. I'm not sure what to say to him.

"I was going to come home after all of that, but I didn't want her to be the reason I left. By then, I had friends and a job there, so I stayed. I had no intention of getting serious with anyone for a long time. That's why Brie was so appealing. In the beginning, she was just looking for fun, too. Then I contacted you." He pulls me onto his lap. "And suddenly, the idea of being with someone wasn't so terrifying." He kisses my forehead. "I just needed _you_ to not be with someone. I was willing to wait."

"You were very patient."

"Not really. Don't you remember my parents' Christmas party? I tried to kiss you on the stairs." His lips gently brush against mine before he pulls away. "I was devastated when you walked away from me, but I was also a little relieved. You weren't _that_ girl, you know?"

I _do_ know, because for a while, I was a little worried he was _that_ guy.

"Once I saw you and Jeremy together, I knew it was time to make a move. He had you, but he wasn't right for you. The chemistry you and I have is pretty hard to ignore." His hands roam under my shirt and trace patterns up my back. "Then my mom and Rose told me you guys broke up, and I figured it was time to make a grand gesture."

"That picture was exactly what I needed." I pause to kiss his neck and then lean back so he can pull my shirt off. We're nearly done talking. "You're right. I was pretty dense about my feelings, and I felt we had something when we were together, but it took that for me to realize you had feelings for me."

He slowly kisses his way up my neck as I talk but pulls back as I finish.

"Bella…" His voice is lower, gravelly with lust and something else. "Never doubt my feelings for you."

Then his mouth is on mine, kissing away any doubts that may have remained.


	35. Bobcaygeon

**Huge thanks to my team: My pre-readers Nic and Sri and my beta Iris. They turned this over so quickly and stand by me even when words don't.**

 **This week's song is by the Tragically Hip. They're a uniquely Canadian band, huge at home but never really made it outside of our borders. For many of us, The Hip's music is the background of our formative years. If you don't know them, but love poetry with your rock, seek them out. Their lead singer and lyricist, Gordon Downie, is dying of cancer. This Saturday, the band performed what is likely their last gig. They did it in their hometown and our national broadcaster, the CBC, interrupted their stellar Olympic coverage to broadcast the concert, commercial free, across the country. People got together in backyards and public parks by the 1000's to say goodbye. It was an emotional, and uniquely Canadian, evening.**

When I left your house this morning,

It was a little after nine

It was in Bobcaygeon, I saw the constellations

Reveal themselves, one star at time

Drove back to town this morning,

With working on my mind

I thought of maybe quittin',

Thought of leavin' it behind

"Bobcaygeon" - The Tragically Hip

 **September 1, 2007**

"Are you sure you want to go? It's your birthday weekend. We can do something else." We're walking back to my place after lingering over Saturday brunch. I haven't seen Rose since Edward's party, and I'm taking her to her surprise baby shower this afternoon.

"Edward, I love your family. I have no problem spending a weekend in a tent with them nearby."

"Jake will be there."

"So you've mentioned."

"He asked me if he could talk to you."

"Oh. You hadn't mentioned that. Of course he can talk to me. Why? Did you tell him he wasn't allowed?" I laugh. While it seems absurd, I'm not sure I'd put it past him.

"I thought about it…"

 **September 14**

 _No, I can't stay. I've booked this afternoon and the weekend off._

It's my first holiday in I don't know how long, but I don't add that to the email. Now that I have someone I want to spend time with, I'm realizing how much I give to this job. And for what? Someone else's trip to Hawaii? I already ruined whatever Edward had planned for my birthday last night; I was here until midnight trying to get our project finished. I really wish our sales staff understood how long it actually takes to do some of the shit they promise.

As if he knows my coming on the trip is in jeopardy, Edward calls me during his lunch.

"Hey, beautiful. I missed you last night." There's nothing but joy in his voice, but I feel guilty anyway.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I'll make it up to you."

"No. I'll make it up to you. It was your birthday. You had to work. No biggie. But I'm almost afraid to ask if you'll be meeting me at 3:00."

"Look, the car's packed, right? Can you pick me up here when you're done?" That means I'll be able to work right until 3:00. That's all I'm willing to bend on this. I hear Edward sigh on the other end of the line.

"I don't want to be an ass here, but we can't leave any later than 3:00. It's a four-hour drive, and I want to be able to set the tent up before it gets dark."

"Edward, I promise you I'll be waiting on King Street at 3:00.

* * *

It's five minutes to fucking 3:00, and I have hours of work still to do.

Fuck it. I'm not doing this to Edward. I quickly make notes of where I am and send them to my supervisor, Ted. I know he isn't going to like it, but I've been picking up slack around here for ages.

He stops me at the elevators.

"Bella, you can't just leave."

"Ted, I've stayed an extra three hours. I worked till midnight nearly every night this week. I'm going away for the weekend."

"If you want more money, we can talk about that, but we need you here this weekend, Bella."

"This isn't about money." I press the down button again. I want to get out of here before I go ahead and quit.

And then it's so clear. I _should_ quit.

The elevator doors open, and I step inside. "Ted, we'll talk Monday."

By the time I get into Edward's car, my hands are shaking.

"I think I'm going to quit."

"What?"

"On Monday, I'm thinking of quitting my job."

"Bella, what happened? You love your job." Edward puts his hand on my knee once he's merged into traffic.

"That's just it, Edward. I love what I do, but I don't know if I love my job. I certainly don't love it more than you. I think I want to open my own business. If I'm going to bust my ass developing software, maybe I should do it for me."

"Then do it." Edward's answer is so full of confidence in me, it brings tears to my eyes.

"I have a year's salary saved up," I whisper.

He looks at me and whistles. "You gotta do it. That's a year you need to get yourself up and running."

"The hours may be longer. I don't know..." I'm already changing my mind. Work's hard right now, but it's easy in some ways.

"But you're working for you, and you'll be happier. We'll figure it out."

* * *

I'm avoiding Jake. So far, I've put up the tent—okay, I intently watched Edward while he put it up, but I did pass him poles as he requested them—and got the bed ready. We're going to have to work on keeping the sound down as his parents have the site next to ours, but I'm ready for the challenge. Jake obviously wants to talk to me to apologize, but I don't know how to respond to that. It's all in the past… except it isn't. He's a part of Edward's life again, and that makes him a part of my life.

He's currently heading over to our site with Vanessa, and they each have an extra beer. I'm not sure if it means they're planning on staying at our camp fire, which Edward is earnestly starting, or if it's a peace offering.

Vanessa heads my way and passes me her extra beer, but Jake sits in one of the chairs we've set up around the fire pit. I guess they're staying. I make small talk, but I'm only half into it. The rest of me is watching Edward gently blow on the beginning flames, coaxing them to grow. He's so fucking sexy. It doesn't matter what he's doing. It's not long before the fire roars to life, and shortly after, we're joined by Elizabeth and Carlisle. They're with another couple, Vanessa's parents: Carlisle's sister, Carmen, and her husband, Eleazar. Edward's already explained to me that this is an annual family tradition. It's important enough that he made the nearly six-hour drive from Montreal when he was living there. He's never brought a girl before, though. This is something I learn from Eleazar as introductions are made.

They're lovely—of course they are—which leads me to wonder where exactly Jake fits into this family. I watch him get up and embrace his in-laws, then joke around with Carlisle. He obviously fits in fine, but then again, he was always so smooth.

The beers flow, as does the conversation, and it's fun to watch them interact. They're a close family, something I've always longed for. I never knew how much until tonight. It's not long before Edward brings out his guitar and they're singing along to Pearl Jam and The Hip. It's unfucking real how perfect this moment is. I wonder if Edward realizes how lucky he is to have them all. I'm jealous, but I'm hopeful. This is going to be my family, too.

The three beers I've had all hit my bladder at once. The bathrooms are a short hike up the road, so I excuse myself from the festivities and grab a flashlight. I shouldn't be surprised when Jake stands up.

"Mind if I walk you up there?"

 _Yes._

This is the conversation I've been dreading.

"No."

We make our way to the washrooms in silence. It's uncomfortable, but I'm not speaking first. If he wants to talk to me, he can talk to me. Nothing says I have to talk to him.

I finish up quickly, hoping Jake's changed his mind about talking to me and has headed back to the campsite without me, but when I emerge, I see I've no such luck. He's sitting on a bench under a light. He gestures for me to join him.

"I guess there's no reason to beat about the bush. I'm sorry for how I treated you when we were together."

I nod. I'm not sure what to say. I'm suddenly afraid I'm going to cry. That time in my life is full of men treating me like shit, and none of them, including my own father, has ever bothered to apologize for it before.

"I don't want to make excuses for who I was then, because I was a two-faced fuck. I know you know Edward and I made a deal to get you, and I'm so sorry about how shitty that was. And how shitty I was. I lied to your face so I could land you, and then when I had you, I treated you like absolute shit."

"You did." I surprise myself with my response. I know I wasn't a perfect girlfriend, but he was far worse as a boyfriend.

"I'm a better man now, and it's not just because I have a daughter. I did a lot of work to fix the asshole I used to be—"

"Why did you change?" I interrupt him, curious if Vanessa was the reason.

"In my early twenties, I found out I was just like my dad. Turns out he'd been having multiple affairs. I knew I didn't want to be that man. And yes, I know how misogynistic it is to only realize that because it affected my mother, but watching her heartbreak broke me. I'd never bothered to think about how I was hurting people. I could always justify my behavior. But seeing it done to my mom, hearing my dad make the same excuses I'd made… I just knew I had to be better than that."

We sit in silence as I think over what he's said. I'm strangely relieved he'd already started to change before he met Vanessa. It makes him seem more genuine. I don't know if we'll ever be friends, but he's a part of Edward's family, and I want to be a part of that, too.

"Thank you." I'm not sure he's forgiven yet. That will take more time, but I can at least acknowledge that I appreciate his apology.

Now it's Jake's turn to nod. We get up and walk back to the campfire. It's a little less uncomfortable this time.

* * *

Everyone heads to bed except for me and Edward. He pulls an old blanket out of the back of his SUV and lays it near the dying fire. We cuddle together, and as the embers go out, he starts pointing out constellations to me; some I remember from our date at the observatory, while others are new. There's something about being in the woods and watching the stars come out in ways I'd never see in the city that brings some clarity.

"I've never made a decision in my life," I blurt out, interrupting him.

"What's that?" He sounds amused.

"Everything in my life I just let happen to me… Dating Jake and Jeremy. Even my career. I always take the easy road. Even you. I had to wait until I was absolutely sure before I walked into this life with you."

"We were both nervous." He rolls onto his side so he can look at me. "I think we both know that this isn't just dating." His hand caresses my cheek, and he feels my tears. "Whoa. What's going on?"

"I need to start being an active participant in my own life. I can't keep letting it happen to me. I'm quitting my job. And when we move in together, it'll be because we choose to live together, not because I've run out of time and money. Okay?"

"Of course. I think I'd move you in on Monday if it were up to me."

I laugh through my tears, because I know he's teasing, but I'm sure there's a little truth to that statement.

"Thank you." I'm serious again. "Thank you for being so patient and waiting for me to figure things out."

"I want to say I'd wait forever for you, but that's not true," he whispers as he continues to caress my face. "I would've sent that picture even if you were still with Jeremy. I would've come home and asked you to make a choice. It would've been an asshole move, but I couldn't wait anymore. I reached my limit at Christmas. I don't know how I made it to July."

I remember him leaning in to kiss me on the stairs. I wonder if he really would've forced me to make a choice then. I wonder if I would've made it. I'm glad he didn't, though. That would've been terrifying.

"Well, I'm choosing things now, and I choose you. I want to be with you now and forever."

I'm not even worried about scaring him off. He said himself we're more than just dating. This life with Edward is my life now.

His mouth is on mine, hot and fierce. I've woken up something in him. He has our pants down quickly, and his fingers circle me before they enter. He's making sure I'm ready, but I'm always ready for him. His mouth leaves mine only for us to take a breath as he rolls onto me.

"Forever. I promise you forever," he whispers as he enters me.


	36. Home

**Here she is, the last chapter. There will be an epilogue after this, (I won't make you wait as long as you did for this chapter).**

 **An extra special thank you to my team: Nic, Sri and Iris. They have been instrumental in getting me through the past few months. This chapter wouldn't exist without their support. I love all of you girls, so hard. Thanks for finding me in this crazy fic world.**

 _Well, holy moly me oh my_

 _You're the apple of my eye_

 _Girl, I've never loved one like you_

 _Man, oh, man, you're my best friend_

 _I scream it to the nothingness_

 _There ain't nothing that I need_

 _Well, hot and heavy pumpkin pie_

 _Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ_

 _Ain't nothing please me more than you_

 _Home, let me come home_

 _Home is wherever I'm with you_

 _Home, let me come home_

 _Home is wherever I'm with you_

"Home" - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

 **October 31, 2007**

We're having a great time handing out Halloween candy at Edward's.

I haven't slept in my condo in three weeks. I don't even think of it as home; it's just my condo. Home is where I am with Edward. We spent a few nights at my condo when I first closed on it, but we both seem to prefer Edward's. It feels like we're building a home together here. I use my place for work, which has been steady since starting on my own. I'm making more money than I thought I would, and the work is increasing enough that I may need to hire a junior programmer to ease up my workload. I'm determined to succeed, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my relationship this time.

We're settled on his couch, enjoying the leftover candy, and watching _Buffy_ because we still need to finish the series since starting it together last year.

"So I've been thinking…" Edward starts as he pauses the show. "You know how you work at your place during the day but then work here at night?"

Uh-oh. Is this when Edward tells me I'm not achieving that work-life balance I've been aiming for?

"Why don't you just turn one of the spare bedrooms into an office here?"

"Then I wouldn't have any reason to go back to my place."

"That's what I was thinking. Why don't we make you being here official? You could lease out your place like we've talked about before…" He trails off.

"You don't think it's too soon for us to officially be living together?"

"Bella," he says, laughing lightly while taking my hand, "we're pretty much living together now. The thought of not spending a night with you?" He jokingly shudders.

I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past. Jeremy and I moved in together pretty quickly, too, but I know I ended up living with Jeremy because of convenience, not love. Living with Edward is all about love.

"How quickly do you think I can find someone to lease the condo?"

Edward doesn't answer with words. The candy and _Buffy_ are forgotten about as we celebrate our new arrangement.

 **November 6, 2007**

"Oh, Rose… She's perfect." And she is. This little squirmy bundle I'm holding in my arms is absolute perfection.

"A daughter, Bella. A _girl_."

Not once during her pregnancy did Rose bring up any concerns about having a daughter, but now that the reality is here, the anxiety is all over her face.

"I know, Rose." She's worried about her for all the reasons we know it's dangerous to be a girl: the unkind boyfriends, the preying strangers, the absent fathers. Rose and I bonded over these things. I shift little Ella so I can reach out and hold her mother's hand. "I can't see the future, but she's got you and Em for parents. She's just about the luckiest fucking kid I know."

Rose smiles and squeezes my hand. "You know we're going to have to cut back on the fucking swearing now, right?" We laugh together, but there are tears, too. I just let them fall, content to leave my hands holding people I love instead of wiping them away.

We sit in silence until Ella starts to wake up. "Oh, thank God. Pass her to me. I think my boobs are going to explode." Rose reaches out, and I'm happy to pass Ella along before she starts to cry. Emmett arrives as Rose has a boob out, trying to get her daughter to latch on, and I half expect him to make some sort of sarcastic remark, but the look on his face is pure admiration. He's completely smitten by the scene in front of him. Ella really is the luckiest girl.

I feel pretty lucky myself. I have Edward and two of the greatest friends in the world, who have seen me through the darkest of times and helped keep me sane. They make great mothers, and they'll be fantastic role models for me when I decide to become a mom.

"I have some news," I start, now that Ella is contentedly nursing. "In the new year, Edward and I are moving in together. I know that seems fast—"

"Bella! I'm so happy for you."

"What? No warnings about moving too quickly?" I really thought Rose would have something to say; she's usually my voice of reason.

"What am I going to say? It took you two a year to go on a date, Bella. I'm glad you're finally starting to move things along." She winks at me. "I've seen the way you two look at each other. He's the one. He's brought out the best in you. Look how well your business is doing in two months. I've never seen you happier or more confident."

I notice Emmett nodding out of the corner of my eye, but he says nothing.

"Look, I know in the beginning I warned you not to get too wrapped up in him, but you are. And he's equally wrapped up in you. I'm so glad you're finally happy, and he's worth it. You're worth it."

 **December 8, 2007**

I've secured renters for my condo for February, but Edward and I decide we want to spend our first Christmas together in our own place, which means I officially moved in today. It may have been the fastest move in all time. Or the longest. Over the past months, most of the things I need have drifted over here. Today, I brought the minimal furniture my apartment had—I never got around to decorating much—and dropped off anything we didn't need at Goodwill. It took us the morning.

We're currently just out of town at the local tree farm, holding hands and trying to find the perfect tree. Edward makes everything better. I've never particularly liked Christmas. Growing up, they were rife with tension. Charlie screamed because there was too much money spent on Christmas, or he was pissed because there wasn't enough money to keep up the illusion. For a long time, the best Christmas memory I had was the time Edward called. But here we are. We're together, and I'm a giddy fool.

"Here they are! White pines." Edward's been going on about the pros and cons of different trees, and it's honestly been an education. I didn't know there was anything to know beyond evergreens Christmas trees. Turns out that there's a whole lot of variety. Edward tugs my hand and pulls me off the main path into a sea of soft-green needles. The snow starts to gently fall, and Edward turns to me. "It's a sign. Our tree is nearby."

I can't help it. I lean in and kiss him. He's so frigging adorable right now. I don't pull away until there's the sound of someone coughing nearby. Damn it. Caught making out in public, but I can't quite muster up guilt. I'm so in love with this man that I don't care who knows.

His cheeks are slightly pink, maybe from the cold or from getting caught in a public display of affection. I know without a doubt this is the man I'm going to spend my life with. If I were a braver girl, I'd get down on one knee right now in the middle of Edward's white pines. Instead, I brush the gathering snow from his beanie and then follow him to find our tree.

 **March 2008**

If I'd known how much more I was going to enjoy this, I'd have done it years ago. It's been hard work, but I'm good. Once word got around I was starting out on my own, people sought me out. In six months, I've become busy enough to need two employees and space for us to work in.

It's nearly midnight, and the office is dead. I've sent everyone home for the night, but there are a few things I need to do to have the weekend with Edward. I'm happy I'm nearly done and really looking forward to going home to Edward. I message him to tell him I'll be less than an hour. And then, because I'm feeling saucy, I send a second message.

 _Last year around this time, I knew I was falling in love with you. I couldn't stop thinking about you. The only way I got through meetings was imagining you under the table with your mouth on me._

He doesn't reply to either message, which means he's still out or away from his phone.

It's likely for the best, anyway. If he had replied, we would've spent half an hour sexting. It's way better if I spend that time getting work done and then go home to the real thing.

I'm about to shut down for the night when my phone buzzes. A text from Edward.

 _Come open the front door._

I barely have time to turn the lock before he's on me. In a single move, he's spun us around so my back slams the door shut.

"Fucking Christ, woman. The things you do to me."

I'm pinned against the door and he hasn't even kissed me, yet, so I know he means the text message.

"You like that I thought of you that way?" He moans a little as I nip at his neck.

"You were falling in love with me. A year ago."

"I was figuring it out a year ago. I fell before that—"

Anything else I was going to say is cut off as his mouth moves to mine. His passion overtakes me, and I move a leg over his hip so I can grind against him. Suddenly, I can't get close enough. His hands stray down my body, stopping when he gets to my hips so he can lift me off the ground. I'm pinned between him and the door again, but I want to move against him.

"My desk," I say, panting against his lips. He doesn't answer, but we move from the door to my office down the hall. I'm still wrapped around his waist, and my mouth has moved to his neck. Once we move through the office doorway, Edward lets me down. I'd be disappointed, but he's removing my sweater. My pants come off next.

"Your chair." He says before he's kissing me again. We advance backward until I'm behind my desk. I lean against it and try to pull Edward down on me, but he pulls away. "Your chair," he repeats, pulling me off the desk and turning us around. "Sit," he commands, and I obey. Now he's the one leaning on the desk. "You were saying?" He smirks at me. Damn tease.

I'm in no state to tease back. "I used to imagine you under the table with your mouth on me." He kneels in front of me. His hands trace up my legs and back down, bringing my panties down.

"My mouth where? Here?" He kisses the inside of my knee.

I shake my head no. I'm at a loss for words. He's teasing me again, and I love it.

"I can't hear you, Bella. What about here?" He kisses the inside of my other knee.

"No," I say breathily.

He places my leg over his shoulder and then runs his hands up the inside of my thighs. When he gets close to where I want him, his hands move away and over my hips. He palms my ass and pulls me to him. He hasn't shaved, and his scruff scrapes my goose-pebbled skin as my thighs move by his face.

"Here?" he asks, turning and kissing the top of my leg. His cheek scratches against where I wish his mouth was.

"Closer," I manage to say, and then I moan as his lips ghost over me. He's holding my hips firmly, preventing me from pressing into him.

"Here?" His breath washes over me, his mouth teasing my pussy with his question.

"Mmm…." I can't form words. I'm so mad with desire for this man.

His lips press against me. His hands move, and he spreads my legs more. That's when his tongue finally makes contact. It's a good thing we aren't trying to be stealthy in my office because I'm coming undone. His mouth moves over me as his fingers enter me, and I'm moaning again. His free hand wanders over my body until it finds my nipple. His fingers pinch and play while his tongue licks and flicks. It's too much. I fist my hands in his hair and cry out with pleasure.

When I finally settle down, Edward stands over me still fully clothed. I'm completely naked and still sitting in the chair. It's incredibly sexy. I need him in me. But first, I want to reciprocate. I lean forward, cupping Edward in one hand, kissing him through the fly of his jeans.

"Get on your desk," he commands, pulling me gently away from him, and I comply.

Our hands are frantic on his belt and then his fly. Edward doesn't even bother to remove his pants and enters me as soon as his cock is free.

I always think I can't love him any more than I do, that things can't get any better, but then he does something that proves me wrong. Right now, it's the feeling of his clothes against my naked skin. It's the look on his face as he watches himself move in me, as if he still can't quite believe this is happening. It's how I feel, too. It feels good, better than usual, and the usual is pretty fucking amazing.

I watch him move in me.

Naked.

Oh, fuck.

"Edward!" I put my hands on his hips to try and get him to stop thrusting against me. "Edward, stop!"

He stops immediately. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"Condom." The pill and I don't get along, so Edward and I have _always_ used condoms.

Until now.

"Fuck."

"Did you bring any?"

"I did."

He makes no move to grab one.

I look him in the eyes, "This feels really good."

"It does." He looks back down to where we're still connected. This conversation hasn't taken the wind out of his sails. Maybe I'm about to.

"I'm not sure I want a baby, yet."

"Yet?" His eyes snap to mine.

This is the one topic Edward and I never talk about. He once asked me if I wanted kids, and I said no… but I was with Jeremy at the time.

"With you, I think I do."

"I want that. So fucking badly. With you." Edward leans in and kisses me. It's full of passion as he pulls at my bottom lip and then pulls back quickly. "Sorry. I should pull out."

I do some quick calculations in my head. It should be okay. And besides, what's the worst that could happen? Something that could actually be pretty great. I buck my hips against him, pulling him closer with my legs.

"You could, but don't."


	37. A Million Years

**Thank you, dear readers, for making it all the way to the end of this little story. I appreciate it.**

 **All my love to my three dear hearts: Nic, Sri and Iris. You do more than read this first and clean it up. You pull the words from me when I can't do it on my own. You encourage me when I feel all is lost. I don't know where I'd be without you. Thank you isn't enough, but I'll start there.**

I love you like grave danger

Like moon shining disguise

When I wake up with your makeup

And spread blush cross the sky

Like a meteor crush

I'm gonna tell the world

Been a million years full of tears

But I found my girl

"A Million Years" – Alexander

 **April 11, 2008**

I'm not pregnant.

It's sort of a relief. Once the lust cleared out, Edward and I realized that now may not be the best time to have a baby. I wanted to be a little more established in my career before I take time from it.

But there's a little excitement, too. One day, I'll be hoping to have the chance to take the test, and looking ahead to a future with Edward is pretty damn thrilling.

* * *

"I invited Alice and Jasper, too. It's going to be a packed house."

"You did? When? I had no idea."

"I wanted to surprise you. I know it's been a while since you all got together."

Tonight, Edward and a few friends from work are playing a show at the Queen Vic. It feels a little like we're going back in time. Only this time, we'll finally be there together.

"Please don't sing to me," I jokingly plead.

"I don't even sing, but now I wish I did." Edward grabs his guitar and puts it in the trunk by his amp.

"It's one of those things people think will be romantic, but it's just really awkward as fuck." I give him a little hip check as he lowers the hatch, just to connect with him.

"Are you speaking from experience?"

"Unfortunately. Remember Paul, the lead singer of Beta Fish? By the way, really dumb name for a band. What was wrong with us in the 90s?" I leave the back of the car and walk around to my side.

"No changing the subject." He looks at me with mock seriousness, "I want to hear all about other dudes being romantic with you."

"Well, then you're going to be disappointed."

"It's not going to be weird for you going back to the Queen Vic?" Now his seriousness is genuine.

"Nah. I'm looking forward to being there with you and, you know, actually talking to each other and stuff." I reference the last time we were there together and he just sat beside me while I cried over stupid Jake.

"Oh. There will be stuff." He wiggles his eyebrows at me. "I want to experience bringing a groupie up to the band room just once."

I laugh and slap his arm. "I'm up for that."

* * *

His set has been amazing. I haven't heard them practice much, so I'm pleasantly surprised they sound so great for their first time, but I guess we're all grown up now. No more banging around, trying to figure shit out in front of an audience. There's a little more self-awareness now, some time to sort it all out. It's really good.

I've been dancing with Alice and Rose, and I'm ready for a beer. I decide to go grab one when the lead singer, Alec, announces they're about to perform their last song. "But first," he says, turning to look at Edward, "I believe Edward has something he'd like to say."

My belly flip-flops just a bit. He didn't say anything about having something to say.

He takes his guitar off and hands it to Alec as they trade spaces.

"Bella, can you come up here?"

Oh, my God… The fool is going to sing to me. Perhaps a little reluctantly, I make my way to the side of the stage, passing Edward's parents on the way. Elizabeth steps in front of me and gives me a quick hug. Man, I love all of them so much.

I make my way up the side steps to Edward. I can't believe he's doing this. Not only have I sort of shit on his big romantic gesture, he's making me stand in front of all these people while he serenades me. I wonder if he added that part after I made the "no singing" request.

He takes my hand when I get to him. He looks nervous. I bet he's starting to realize I was right.

"When I was seventeen, I fell in love with the most bewitching girl."

The crowd, mostly friends and family, awes at his declaration.

"And I was too young and dumb to do anything about it. At the time, it was heartbreaking."

The crowd awes once again.

"Many years passed by, and I thought of her often. Then fate, I call her Mom, stepped in and put me in contact with her. From very early on, I knew I was going to fall in love all over again, and this time, I knew I had to wait, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I knew it would be worth it. But I'm done waiting now."

Edward drops to one knee, my hand still in his, and he's got an open box in his other hand.

Oh.

My.

God.

"Bella Swan, I love you, for now and always. Will you marry me?"

"Yes!"

I nod and maybe jump a bit, making it a little hard for Edward to put the ring on, but he manages. I'm vaguely aware of cheering, but all I see is Edward. He kisses me, holding me to him, obviously not worried about public displays of affection now.

When he pulls away, he puts his forehead against mine.

"Guess when I bought that ring?"

"Last week?"

"After our first date. I just knew. And like I said, I grew tired of waiting. We belong to each other, Bella. Forever."

"Forever."


End file.
